


I Promise.

by spicypistachio



Category: Captain America (Movies), Marvel Cinematic Universe
Genre: Alternate Universe - High School, Artist Steve Rogers, Bucky Barnes Needs a Hug, Early 2000’s, F/M, M/M, Pre-Serum Steve Rogers, Steve Rogers Needs a Hug
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-08-25
Updated: 2019-08-25
Packaged: 2020-09-26 05:36:28
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 34
Words: 58,097
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20384533
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/spicypistachio/pseuds/spicypistachio
Summary: Steve Rogers has lost everything, but hasn’t lost Bucky. James Buchanan Barnes has lost everything, but hasn’t lost Steve. They are both trying to figure out their own traumatic events, while also trying to figure out who they are. They may lose a lot along the way, but they’ll never lose each other.





	1. When the time is right.

**Author's Note:**

> Hi there! I really hope you enjoy this fic! I’ve spent a lot of time on it, and I really enjoy it myself. Before I posted it, I wanted to make sure that I wrote all the chapters so I wouldn’t abandon it. I’m really proud of it and I really hope you guys enjoy it too!!! Happy reading!

**_ 10/13/2001 _ **

_ Mom’s gotten really sick lately. I’m scared that the doctors are right and I’m going to lose her. I’m not sure I’m ready to lose her. I’ve already lost Dad, I don’t know what I would do if I lost her too, and quite frankly, I don’t want to find out. Today she asked to talk to Bucky. I asked him about it but he wouldn’t give me a clear answer. All he would say was: _

_ “I’ll tell you when the time is right, Stevie.” _

_ When will the time be right? My mom is the one that’s sick, not him. I shouldn’t be so frustrated, but I just want to know what she told him. I feel like I have a right to know what my dying mother told my best friend. I don’t understand why they have to keep it from me. Buck never keeps anything from me, unless it’s important to him. But this time, it’s important to me. _

I closed the book and set it down on my mom’s nightstand. She was asleep, so I let the tears stream down my face. I can't lose her. 

** _10/14/2001_ **

_ She’s not getting better. I’m scared. Everyone’s acting like she’s dead, she isn’t dead. She isn’t dead. She isn’t dead. Dear god I wish they would listen to me. She won’t die. I swear she won’t die. She can’t die. Bucky won’t listen to me. I swear she can get better. I swear. I swear. I kicked him out of the apartment. We’ve never argued so bad. God I can't think. She won’t stop coughing. Is this what I sound like when I have asthma attacks? I can't take it anymore. The blood in the sink. The blood in the toilet. The blood in her hands. The blood. It’s driving me insane. I clean and I clean and it won’t go away. It keeps coming back. God I need my medicine. I need anything. I want this to stop. I want to stop listening to her suffer. It hurts my head. It hurts my heart. It hurts Bucky. I yell at him constantly. He doesn’t deserve that. I don’t deserve him. _

** _10/15/2001_ **

_ It hurts. Dear god it hurts. Why did you leave me? I’m all alone. I’m just glad you are finally at peace. You deserve the peace. You couldn’t keep coughing. I couldn’t keep listening to you cough. You needed to get out. You needed to see dad. I’ll be okay, I think. I have Bucky. I’ll be living with them for the rest of school. I think I’ll make it. I mean, it can’t really get worse than this. You know ma, I drew you. I drew you in your youth. When you were happy. When you weren’t sick. I miss those times. I miss you. God it hasn’t even been a day yet. I’m miserable. When will you come home? I just pray to god you are at peace. That’s all you deserve. I’ll be okay. I’ll be okay. _

** _10/21/2001 _ **

_ The funeral went well. She would’ve enjoyed it. She looked beautiful. I’ve finally officially moved into the Barnes’ apartment. It’s really nice. It’s only slightly bigger than mine, which is actually enjoyable. I’m sharing a room with Bucky. I tried to live in the guest bedroom at first, but I hated being alone. I feel like if it was anyone else I would’ve hated it, but it’s him. He’s been really helpful through this. I’m glad that I have him. And I’m really glad he can’t see this journal. It’s just nice to appreciate him and not say it to his face. He’s not a very touchy feely person. Or at least, not to most people. He would probably kill Clint if he tried to lay a finger on him. He’d probably spare Nat, though. I don’t know what I’m trying to say here, but I do know that I’m glad he’s here with me. I’m just lucky to have him. Insanely lucky. _

“What are you doing up? It’s nearly 3 am?” Bucky said while wiping his eyes and yawning. 

“I couldn’t sleep, so I’ve resulted in just writing a bit. It calms me down.” I explained. 

“Are you stressed about something? You can always talk to me.” Bucky responded. 

“Well, these past few weeks haven’t been exactly easy, but I won’t keep you awake to just listen to me complain. You need to sleep, Buck.” I stated. 

“Promise me you will talk to me in the morning. I won’t sleep if you don’t promise.” 

I chuckled at that. It’s nice having someone who cares about you so much. It makes me happy to think about. 

“I promise.” I smiled. 

“Goodnight, Stevie. You have a big day tomorrow. Back to school.”

“Goodnight, Buck.” I whispered back at him. 


	2. Steven Grant.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Steve’s asthma has always been one of his biggest curses. Despite always trying to stay healthy, his body has always worked against him in crude ways. His asthma is one of those ways.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So before I start the chapter I just wanted to say thank you for literally anyone who is reading this! I also wanted to say that I made Spotify playlists based on each of the main characters with music from this era (extending to 2002). It was a really cool concept in my head, and it's actually really cool to listen to! My Spotify name is tripletemma and you should totally listen to them!!!

** _Chapter 2 _ **

** _10/22/2001 _ **

_ I’m not exactly sure how I’ve managed this, but you’d sure be proud of yourself. Somehow you were able to convince Coach to let you sit out in PE? I’m still surprised on how that worked, but I guess the “my mommy died” excuse works better than the “if you make me run a mile I may actually die” excuse. I’m not really sure how that one works and the other one doesn’t, but hey I’m not complaining. Less physical activity the better. I don’t think my tiny body would be able to handle it. Bucky, Clint, and Thor on the other hand, are absolutely killing it. I’m not exactly sure how they do it. It’s like they find joy in being tortured by the PE gods. I’m also not sure if Tony like pays the teachers or something, but right now he’s running at the slowest possible pace. I wouldn’t even call it running. I’d call it pathetically walking. Even I can run better than that, and I’m an asthmatic. I’m also realizing how insane I probably look sitting here alone, watching my friends run, while writing in an old, worn out journal. Another thing- I’m not exactly sure what’s going on with my feelings. Every time I look at Bucky, something happens? It’s really hard to explain. It’s like the asthma kicks in but I can still breathe. It’s not like anything I’ve felt before. It’s really started happening early this year. I’ve always had a soft spot for him, and he’s always been my best friend, but this feels so different. I notice everything. His steel blue eyes. His strong arms. His perfectly wavy brown hair. The way his smile is slightly crooked on the left side. The way he grabs me by the shoulders and hugs me. Everything about him is flawless. There’s no questioning why the girls go after him. He’s gorgeous. These feelings are strange. I want to push them away and say it’s wrong, but at the same time it feels so right. He feels so right. This feels so right.  _

“Hey bud, what are you writing?” Bruce strutted over to ask me. 

“You shouldn’t be over here. You can get in a lot of trouble, Bruce.” I warned him. 

“You didn’t answer me. What are you writing?” He asks again. 

“Some things I don’t want to say out loud, that’s all.” I put on my fakest smile. I can’t let anyone know about what I’m writing. Normally I’d tell Buck, but I feel like that would be a bit awkward right now 

“Banner! Finish your last lap!” The coach yelled. 

“Told you.” I teased. 

“Yeah yeah, it was nice talking to you.” 

“Right back at you.” 

** _10/23/2001 _ **

_ Is it wrong to draw him as he’s sleeping? I really can’t help it. I’m not exactly sure what’s gotten into me. Maybe my body is confused? I mean, my mom just died last week. I’m sure my brain is just trying to think of a coping mechanism, and that’s Bucky. This will all pass. These strange feelings will pass. He just looks so peaceful right now. His bed head always was something special. His hair is sprawled all over his face, his arm is behind his head, and he has the most peaceful look on his face. It’s almost as if he’s smiling while he’s sleeping.  _

“Shit. Smoke.” I mumble under my breath. I guess I’ve been too distracted to notice the smell. I’m a severe asthmatic, so even the slightest smell can set me off. It’s really strange, but then again I’m really strange. Bucky’s dad is a heavy smoker. He normally takes it outside, but sometimes he’ll sneak a cigar inside. The thought of my asthma must’ve slipped right past his head. The apartment is larger than ours was, but still really cramped and tight. Winnifred and George’s room is across from Bucky’s room, and that means the smoke is traveling right into our living space. I feel it happening. The coughing. The pain. Dear god the pain. I can’t breathe, dear god I can’t breathe. It hurts. It hurts so much. I can’t stop coughing. Dear god please make it stop. 

I reached to pull of my shirt so I could breathe, but I don’t have enough strength. Dear god please just get it off. The collar just feels like it’s choking me.

“Stevie?” Bucky calls out. 

I can’t answer. 

“Steve???” He’s panicking now. It’s dark and he can’t see me, and he can’t find the switch for the lamp. 

I still can’t answer. 

“Steven. Steven Grant?” Bucky is pleading now. I’m trying to respond, but the coughing won’t let me. My asthma attacks have never rendered me speechless, but I think this is more than that. I think I’m having an anxiety attack. 

Bucky finally found the lamp and he rushes by my side. He’s known me for years, and knows exactly what to do. He sits me up, and takes off my shirt. It’s easier for me to breathe without tight clothing restricting my neck. He tries to get us to breathe in sync. 

“Follow my lead.” 

I try to follow, but dear god the coughing. It’s getting better, but my throat hurts to much to even attempt to speak. I notice there’s blood on Bucky’s chest in the exact same place my hand was. I guess the coughing stressed my throat out. 

“Cigar.” I wheezed. He seemed confused at first, but then ran out of the room. I heard him screaming through the door at his dad. 

“God damnit, Dad! Are you trying to fucking kill him? Pretty sure we don’t want another one dead.” Bucky screamed. 

They had a pretty lengthy conversation, so while they were talking it gave my body time to calm down. I had no idea what they were talking about, but it must have been serious enough to make Bucky’s nose sweat when he walked back in the room. Bucky’s body was really strange. He doesn’t really sweat that much, but when he does sweat it’s normally his nose. Whenever he’s working out or stressed out the top of his nose sweats. I’m pretty sure I’m the only one that’s noticed that though. 

“Bucky, I-“ Bucky cut me short. He grabbed me and just...held me? That wasn’t usual Bucky behavior, so I was really confused. He always touches me, but he never holds me. That’s when I realized he was shaking. Violently shaking. 

“God damnit, Steve. You scared me shitless.” He said into the crook of my neck. 

“I’m really sorry, Buck.” I apologized. 

“It’s not your fault. I just-“ He stammered. “I’m just scared to lose you, that’s all.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If you made it to the end: Thank you so much! Because I’m already finished with this fic I’m going to try and publish as much as I can per week! I really hope you are enjoying it so far, and your reads mean a lot to me. Thank you!!! 
> 
> My social media just incase you ever want to contact me or just make a new friend :)  
Insta- buchanancandidate  
Tumblr- spicypistachio  
Twitter- mevemogers  
Reddit- icyzoomboy


	3. Bucky Barnes is addictive.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Steve is still trying to figure out his confusing feelings for Bucky Barnes, and there’s no better way to get this off of his mind than going to a Tony Stark Halloween party. Friendship bonding always helps with the confusing feelings towards your best friend.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi there! These chapters are still slowly dragging along, but I swear it gets better! Thank you so much for staying to read this! I appreciate it! Happy reading!

** _Chapter 3_ **

** _10/31/2001 _ **

_ I really try to keep up with this thing, but it’s really hard. I like to use it to write, but then again I get all caught up drawing in it. My latest drawing was a picture of my friends at Halloween. Every year on Halloween (which hello is today), Sam wears a bird suit. We aren’t really sure why, but he loves that thing. In fact, he wore it tonight at Pepper’s annual Halloween party. It wasn’t really a costume party, but Sam took it upon himself to wear the bird costume. However, Natasha was sporting a skin tight, black cat suit. I’m not sure how she wasn’t uncomfortable.  _

  * __It just looks hard to sit and breathe in __
  * _Nearly everyone was staring at her ass _
  * _The latex could strangle a man_

_ I asked her how she felt in it, and she said she was insanely comfortable. The combat boots were really cool, but other than that it looked terrifyingly uncomfortable. However, it did win over a dance with Clint. They aren’t dating, but they sure did look like they were having a damn good time. Oh! And I can’t forget Tony, who came in a fucking pumpkin suit. I’m still dumbfounded by the fact that he stayed in it all night. He said that Thor and Bruce had to help him get into it. Bucky was just wearing a shirt with a ghost on it, and I was just wearing the clothes I went to school in. Wanda asked me what I was dressed in and I said _

_ “I high schooler from Brooklyn.”  _

_ It earned a few laughs and Pietro said it was “very original.” It seems as though a lot of people came to the party dressed as high schoolers from Brooklyn. However, I think the best part of the party was seeing how happy everyone was. Rhodey and Pepper were handing out candy to the kids, and Tony was scaring them off in his terrifying pumpkin suit. Bruce and Thor still say how disgusted they were to see Tony in just his underwear. They said it was a very liberating experience. I was actually able to draw a lot from that night. Tony in his pumpkin suit, Clint and Nat dancing together, Rhodey and Pepper smiling while handing out the candy, and Bucky smiling on the dance floor. He would occasionally have a dance partner, but he looked happiest dancing by himself. He kept trying to lure me onto the dance floor, but I’ve never danced. I would just step on his toes. He did, however, make me promise him that I’ll dance with him before he dies. I really didn’t want to make that promise, but I feel like I owe it to him. He’s done a lot for me. _

I stopped my writing for a moment. I heard Bucky flip around from his side of the bed and grab his Motorola. I then got a text message from yours truly. 

**[Bucky 2:36 AM]** go. to. sleep. 

“You literally could’ve just fucking flipped over and told me that.” I snapped. 

“Too much work.” He responded. 

“That literally took more work.” 

“Turn the fucking lamp off and go the fuck to sleep.” 

“Whatever.” 

There was a pause for about two minutes as I was getting settled into my bed. Bucky then broke the deafening silence. 

“Hey.” He whispered. 

“What?” I asked. 

“Goodnight, Punk.” 

“Night, Jerk.” 

  
  


** _11/03/2001_ **

_ Man, sometimes it’s really hard keeping up with this thing. I guess I’ll just write in it when something good or bad happens? Today was definitely good. Nothing particularly shocking happened. It really just consisted of Sam coming over, and Bucky, Sam, and I chilling out in our room. It’s been a couple of weeks since the  _ ** _feelings _ ** _ have arrived. I keep trying to push it off, but they keep getting stronger. It’s like I can’t take my eyes off of Bucky. Sam has definitely noticed something is up. He would always tap me on the back when I would be staring for too long. Everyone needs a Sam Wilson type of wingman. I plan on explaining it to him sometime this week. He will probably hate me for the rest of eternity, but sometimes that’s okay. I’m actually surprised. I’m writing this entry fairly early. It’s only 5:43 PM. Normally I would wait till Buck was asleep to start writing, but he went to the store with his mom. Right now would actually be a great time to call Sam and talk to him about it. Maybe I should get on that?  _

I grab my phone off my nightstand. 

“You can do this Steve.” I say to myself. It made it seem like I was telling Bucky my feelings and not Sam. 

“You’re just trying to explain your feelings to a trustworthy friend. You’ve got this.” I repeat to myself. I type in his number and it pulls up his contact. I could do this. I’m going to call him. Before I can second guess this decision, I press the call button. 

**[Call beginning with Falcon: 5:48 PM] **

“What’s up? Everything okay?” Sam asked me. He actually sounded concerned. I never spontaneously call Sam. If I ever have to call him, I text him then call. He hates phone calls. 

“I really need a friend right now. I just. Need to talk it out.” I mumbled. 

“Did you and Buck get into an argument or something?” Sam asked. 

“No it’s just. Insanely complicated. Can I rant?” 

“Always.” 

**[Call ended with Falcon: 6:29 PM] **

I explained it all. The feelings. The everything. I explained it all to Sam. He said he wouldn’t think about me any differently, and that he totally knew I was into Bucky. This is one of the first times I’m actually thinking in my head and not writing down in my journal. I just really don’t have the words. I vowed to never tell Bucky. I can't ruin our friendship. Even when I had nothing, I had Bucky. I don’t want to ruin anything. Even at the thought of this I started crying. I’m sitting on my bed. Just crying. Sobbing. The tears won’t stop anymore. I don’t want to lose Bucky. I can’t lose Bucky. I want to make these feelings stop, but they won’t end. All I can think about lately was when I had the asthma attack, and he held me tight. He thought he was going to lose me. He held me like he’s never held me before. He slept in my bed that night. We both fell asleep together. It was insane. I knew he probably didn’t mean anything by it, but it meant everything to me. He means everything to me. It hurts. It hurts knowing that there’s no fucking chance. The girls love Bucky. Bucky loves the girls. I’m a scrawny, 5’4, 95 pound, asthmatic kid from Brooklyn. He wouldn’t love me. He wouldn’t care. It hurts. It hurts so bad. But I can’t stop. I take out my journal and write down one thing on the picture of Bucky sleeping that I drew. 

** _“Bucky Barnes is addictive.” _ **

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If you made it to the end of this chapter: thank you! I really hope you are enjoying it so far, and I’m s o sorry if it’s just dragging along. It gets a lot better! 
> 
> If you ever want to critique me you should totally contact me on any of my social media accounts ;) 
> 
> Insta- buchanancandidate  
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Twitter- mevemogers  
Reddit- icyzoomboy


	4. Punk.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Steve means everything to Bucky. Steve’s his whole world, so when Bucky notices something wrong his whole world stops. He wants to be there for Steve, but can he?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Welcome back! I really hope you are enjoying the fic so far, and I really hope you’ve had a great day! Thank you for your support and happy reading!

** _Chapter 4 _ **

“I’ll be back soon!” I yell to Steve. My mom decided that we needed to get some groceries, so I wanted to go with her. I’ve never really got to spend time with her lately. After Sarah died, I figured I should cherish my mom more. I don’t talk to her enough. 

“So, how's your new roomie?” My mom jokes. 

“Actually, it’s been pretty enjoyable. Steve’s super clean, and he respects my own space. He’s basically perfect. Besides the near death experiences every week.” Steve has basically been a blessing to me. I’ve known him since I was young, and he’s continued to stay with me. We’ve had our differences, but I can’t imagine a life without him. He’s everything to me. Even when I felt like I had nothing, I had Steve. I’d give him the world. He  _ is  _ my world. 

“I’m glad you’re taking care of him. Sarah would be proud of you.” My mom smiled at me. She knew how close I was to Sarah. She was basically like a second mother. It got me to thinking about my last talk with her. She asked Steve to leave her room so she could have time with me. Steve knew something was up. She never talks to me without talking to him too. She sat me down on the chair next to her bed. She made me promise her that I would take care of him for as long as he lived. She knew how much I loved her son. She knew how much we loved each other, even if Steve was completely oblivious. Steve completes me. He’s my everything. She told me that she trusted me, and that she loved me. The hardest part was walking out of the room and seeing Steve. He kept asking me questions, and I couldn’t tell him. She told me not to tell him. It hurt. It hurt so bad. He was yelling at me. He was calling me names, names that hurt. He kept telling me to fuck myself, go back home, and go to hell. He was calling me a bastard. He was doing things that weren’t Steve. He was hitting me. He was furious. I snapped. I punched him square in the jaw. Then I walked out and slammed the door. He took the hit like a champ. My goal has never been to hurt him, dear god I never want to hurt him. We were both frustrated. We were both upset. We both wanted Sarah to live, but we both knew Sarah living was just a selfish desire, so we took it out on each other. We were screaming and punching. He hits pretty hard for a tiny little kid. 

“Earth to James!” My mom was waving her hand in front of my face. “I’m finished checking out. Can you help grab the groceries?” 

“Yeah, sure. Sorry I was just… thinking.” I said. 

I walked up the stairs to our apartment. My mom unlocked the door and we started putting the groceries in the fridge and pantry. There was one thing that was strange though; Where was Steve? Whenever he would hear me come home, he would run down the stairs to see what we got. I didn’t hear his shoes. I didn’t hear his laughing. I decided to walk closer to our door and then I heard it. 

“Sam, I’m not sure what to do,” Steve’s voice cracked. “I just don’t want to ruin anything. He means everything to me. I love him.” I heard Steve start to break. I wanted to run and hug him, but I didn’t want to intrude, not that this wasn’t intruding. 

“Sam, I just… Even when I had nothing I had Bucky. He’s my world. He’s all I have left to live for.” Steve was crying now. Steve barely ever cries. 

“Thank you, Sam. Have a good night.” Steve finished. I heard him put his phone down on the nightstand and plop down on his bed. I heard him break. I heard his voice crack. I heard him break down. He’s scared of me? How does he not know? Natasha always tells me how obvious I’m being. My conscious is having two arguments. 

  1. Tell Steve.
  2. Hide this from Steve as long as you can. 

Telling Steve is really sounding quite convincing right now, but he’s already so confused. He doesn’t know himself yet. It’s different for me. Even from a young age I knew I loved  _ people.  _ Not anyone specific. I just loved people. I love a person for a person. Steve is confused because he has feelings for a  _ boy,  _ not because he has feelings for me. I’m not going to shove the thought of 

“Hey! Bucky is totally into you! You too should make out!” into him. He needs to understand everything. However, I don’t want to keep hearing him cry, so I knocked on the door. I barely ever knock, but I feel like it was appropriate this time. I knocked, and then there was no response. I then decided that maybe saying who I am would be helpful. I rarely knock so of course he wouldn’t let me in. 

“Stevie? It’s me, Bucky. Can I come in?” I asked. I’m really worried about him. He sounds really upset. A part of me wants to tell him that I love him too, but I wasn’t even supposed to hear the conversation. I feel awful. 

“Yeah. Come in.” He spoke very softly, but I still could hear him. 

I looked over and he was on  _ my  _ bed. He never goes onto my bed. I’m guessing he needed some sort of comfort, considering I wasn’t home. 

“Sorry, I-I’ll move.” He said. 

“It’s fine. I’ll just sit down next to you.” I said while motioning him to move over. 

“Are you alright? You never cry.” I asked. I know what’s wrong. I know it’s not alright. I hate lying to him, but I can’t intrude. I’m not going to make him do something he doesn’t want to do. 

“Yeah, I’m just. yeah.” He looked so sad. He tried to give me a little half smile, but it wasn’t working. He always tries to smile when he’s upset, but it never fools me. You can tell if someone is smiling by the look in their eyes. His eyes just look sad. 

“Steve, I care about you. You mean everything to me and more. I hope everything gets better. You don’t deserve this.” I said. As soon as I said that, he launched into me and hugged me. 

“You’re all I have left.” He mumbled into my chest. It hurt to hear that. “I’ve lost everything, but I haven’t lost you.” He whispered. I was stroking his back in an attempt to calm down his shaking. I wanted him to breathe. I could tell it was hard for him to catch a breath. 

“You’ll never lose me, punk.”

**——————————————————**

** _ 11/04/2001_ **

_ I fell asleep in Bucky’s bed last night. I really didn’t have much of a choice. After I had my whole crying fiasco he insisted I sleep with him. I guess I really freaked him out. He told me he loved me. He always tells me he loves me. I wish the “I love you” would mean what I wanted it to. He knocked on the door and found me crying after I hung up with Sam. Sam really was helpful to talk to, up until I started crying my eyes out. Sam offered me his full support. I’m glad to have him as a friend. He’s always been super trustworthy, and I know he won’t say anything to anyone else. Sam is basically like a strange, demented, angel. It’s like God made him as a really scary experiment, and then sent him down as a bird. I still don’t understand Sam’s obsession with birds. Bruce said that he’s going to get him a bird watching book for his birthday as a joke. I’m pretty sure Sam will take it seriously though. Bucky is asleep across from me. It’s a school night, so we are supposed to go to bed early, but when do I do that? I always have too much on my mind. All day I haven’t been able to stop thinking about last night. Bucky gives the best hugs. I still won’t get over him saying “You mean everything to me and more.” Last night's events are burned into my brain. I don’t even think I slept that much last night. I couldn’t help but watch Buck. He looked so peaceful. It was again inspiration for another drawing. The way the sun hits his face in the morning makes him look like an actual god. I tried to capture the best I could on the paper I had. It was just a piece of white paper lying around the room. I wanted to scribble it down before the image left my brain. I actually put the picture in last night's journal entry. The more I write in this journal, the more I don’t want Bucky to see it. I’ve been hiding it in different places. One of my personal favorites is under my sheets. My pillow hides the lump of the journal. It’s gotten a good bit thicker because of the drawings in it. Reading my journal back I’ve also noticed that my thoughts are so random. I’m not a writer or anything, but my lines are so snippy? Is that a word? It’s all over the place. It’s basically just a clusterfuck of my own emotions. I mean, I don’t have anyone to impress by it, but sometimes it makes it hard to read. I shouldn’t be nitpicking a teenage boys journal, but I think maybe I needed a bit of constructive criticism. I’m not exactly sure where I was going with this, but I’m just going to leave it at this. I should be going to bed anyways. Goodnight journal.  _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you so much for reading this chapter! I hope you still continue to support me! Have a great day/night! xoxoxo <3 
> 
> Insta- buchanancandidate   
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Twitter- mevemogers   
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	5. Billie Jean.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Steve isn’t sure if he can keep listening to the torturous sounds of Michael Jackson anymore, Natasha kicks some ass, and Bucky isn’t as sneaky as he thinks he is.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Welcome back! I really hope you enjoy this chapter. Happy reading!

** _Chapter 5_ **

_ _ ** _11/05/2001 _ **

_ I’m writing this down as quick as possible because I literally can not forget this. Natasha totally just got into a fight and completely won. God this is going to be so hard to read when I read this back. Basically, Rumlow was fucking around with me and like tripping me and shit. Normally I would step up and threaten to beat his ass and then it would go south from there, but Nat noticed that it was me from across the courtyard and saw what was going on. I was about to throw my first punch, claiming it was self defense because he punched me first, and Nat completely lunged at him and went for it. I really just stood there shocked. The teachers had to pull her off of him. I guess her pent up frustration towards him finally built up, and she snapped. As soon as everyone saw her run they started coming to the scene. They wanted to watch it go down. Also, I’m writing this in the principal’s office. Apparently Nat needed a “witness” and I guess that’s me. Basically I’m just trying to get Natasha out of any deep shit. She could get suspended for this, so Nat and I may be lying about the certain set of events. They’d take my word over Nat’s or Rumlow’s any day. I never really lie, but I think God will let me pass with this one.  _

_ _ ** _11/05/2001 pt.2 _ **

_ So, conclusion for today: Rumlow got the shit kicked out of him, and the news of Natasha has been going around school all day. No one could believe that, god forbid, someone got beat up by a girl. Wow. Who knew that girls were capable of beating someone’s ass? It’s not like she could be stronger than him or something. I do have to say, she did a lot of damage to his face. Some say that she broke his nose. Others say she broke his front teeth. Some even say she broke both. The complete raw power Natasha has right now is terrifying. Tony isn’t exactly happy with her right now, but everyone else sure as hell is. Tony thinks that violence isn’t the answer. Complete opposite to Tony is Loki and Clint, who were in the crowd cheering. Sam, Rhodey, and Bucky came over to help the teachers trying to pull Natasha off. For being so small, Nat really puts up a fight. All of first lunch certainly got a treat today. On another note, Bucky won’t stop listening to fucking Billie Jean. He said it “gets him hype” for the football game this Friday. It’s literally only Tuesday. I’m not sure how long I can deal with this for. In October it was “Smooth Criminal” and now this month it’s going to be “Billie Jean”. He’s really about to ruin both of these songs for me. He keeps asking me to dance with him, but he’d have to put a gun to my head to get me to dance. I’d rather kill myself than dance, especially to Billie Jean. If it were a slower song, maybe. But Billie Jean is way too fast for me. My body would probably give up on me. Bucky, on the other hand, can dance all day. Probably because his body is actually capable of physical activity. He always loves when we go over to Tony’s. Pepper is always over with Tony, and Pepper always loves to dance. We’ll probably go over to Tony’s after the football game for a party, and then he’ll have his chance to dance. God, seriously I swear to god if he doesn’t stop listening to Michael Jackson. It’s really hard to write like this. Also, he doesn’t ask me what I’m writing anymore. Maybe he’s caught on to the fact that I don’t want to talk about it?  _

Just as I wrote that line, I see him in the corner of my eye. He’s trying to snoop and see what I’m writing. I then closed my book, and smacked him on the head with it. 

“Fuck, Steve.” He cried, holding his head in his hand. 

“Don’t snoop, Buck.” I said, wearing his classic shit eating grin on my face. 

“I’m just curious, that’s all.” 

“Curiosity killed the cat.” 

“Well I’m not a cat, I’m a dog.” I smacked him on the head again that comment. It wasn’t hard, it was more like a love tap. 

“Smartass!” I giggled. He winced and grabbed his chest, acting like he was in pain. 

“Awe! You called me smart! Thanks, babe!” He teased. I do have to admit, him calling me “babe” made my heart jump. It sent butterflies into my stomach. I wish he would call me that seriously. 

“You’re welcome! What do you want? A kiss on the cheek?” I joked back. Bucky cocked his head to the side and put on his shit eating grin. 

“Sometimes I do.” He said. It caught me by surprise. He sounded serious. His voice sat in a very low register when he said it. It drove me wild. Then before I knew it, I thought on my first instinct. Our beds aren’t too far from each other, so it wasn’t hard to reach him after he sat back down from me hitting him. I waltzed my happy ass right in front of him, bent down, and planted a kiss on his right cheek. I felt his face heat up under my lips. I then stood up straight, walked back to my bed, and opened up my math textbook to start doing my homework. I didn’t even stare back at him. I said nothing. Just started working on algebra. I didn’t look back, but I heard Bucky flop back on his bed, and sigh. It wasn’t a bad sigh, it was more of a “I’m blown away” type of sigh. I really hope I was reading the signs right, because it really looked like he was asking for it. I then heard him mumble something. 

“Punk.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for reading! I hope you enjoyed this chapter and stay for more! Have a great day!!! <3


	6. U.S. History.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Pepper and Rhodey assist Steve in a mental breakdown, and Sam thinks Steve is a completely dumbass.

** _Chapter 6_ **

“You did WHAT now!” Sam exclaimed. I immediately hushed him. We were in the middle of US history, and I really didn’t want the whole class to hear us. 

“I kissed him on the cheek. I swear on my mother’s grave I did.” I whispered. 

“Holy shit,” He started to say. “How did he react?” 

“I don’t know. As soon as I did it I sat back down and started my math homework. I didn’t even stare at him.” 

“What do you mean you didn’t stare at him?” 

“I mean exactly what I said.” 

“You’re telling me, you kissed the love of your life, the boy you finally realized that you’ve loved for years, and you didn’t look at him?” Sam questioned. 

“That’s exactly what I’m telling you.” I snapped. All of right now is basically just whisper yelling. I’m surprised I haven’t gotten in trouble yet. 

“Besides, it was just a kiss on the cheek. Nothing more.” I said. 

“It could’ve  _ been  _ something more.” Sam responded. 

“If you are waiting for me to fuck him, you’re going to be waiting for a long time, buddy.” I joked. 

“That’s not what I’m waiting for. I just- I just know stuff you don’t. That’s all.” He stuttered on the last two sentences. 

“Can I have clarification, please?” I was genuinely curious. Now I’m the one snooping. 

“I promised him. Besides, this isn’t the place to talk anyways. If you want information from anyone, talk to Pepper.” I guess that was my hint for “let’s stop this conversation”. I guess it was time to start paying attention to what I’m supposed to be doing anyways. Besides, lunch is next and I have lunch with Pepper. One downside to that is that I also have lunch with Bucky. Somehow, I’m going to have to ask someone to keep him occupied. I have one person in mind for the task. 

**——————————————————**

Conveniently, as soon as I walk out of my classroom to go to the courtyard Rhodey and Pepper are standing together. Bucky will probably get pissed at me for not waiting for him, but I needed to get this done. 

“Hey Steve! You look spooked.” Pepper greeted me. I probably do look spooked right now. I’m really thinking about asking my childhood crush on a date. A date with a  _ boy.  _

“I need to talk to both of you. I can’t let Bucky find us.” I then began to explain my situation to them. I told them everything, from my crush on him to the kiss on the cheek. I then began to see Bucky approach from behind Rhodey. I think Rhodey saw me panic, because he immediately turned around and came up with an excuse for me. 

“Hey Bucky, nice to see you. Hey can you help me get some stuff out of the robotics room? I need a lot of muscle.” He stated with a smile. It’s scary how good Rhodey is at lying. It seems like it’s easy for him. 

“Oh. Sure, yeah. I can help you.” He smiled. It looked like he didn’t actually want to leave, but he’s too good of a friend not to help someone. Rhodey then took him by the arm and led him to the robotics building. 

“I’m sure interested to see what they are going to move. We don’t really have anything. Plus, Tony gets pissed when you move his stuff.” Pepper laughed. “Anyways, why did you need to talk to me?” She asked. 

“I just-.” I stuttered. I’m not really sure how to use the right words for this. “I just need to know if I even have a chance with Buck. You don’t need to give anything away. You don’t have to give me details. I just need a yes or a no.” 

“You want me to be honest?” She asked 

“More than anything.” 

“Then yes. Quit being so hard on yourself. It beats Bucky up at night. That’s all I’ll say to that subject.” Pepper answered. 

“That’s a good enough answer for me.” I chuckled. 

“When are you going to do it?” She asked. 

“Friday. Probably at Tony’s. I just need to find a good place and time to talk to him about it.” 

“You didn’t hear this from me, but there’s a room near the bathroom that doesn’t get used. No one knows where it is except for me, don’t ask. Tony will gladly let you use that room to talk to him.” She said. I had a very strange suspicion that’s Tony and Pepper’s hookup room, but that’s none of my business. 

“And if he doesn’t?” I asked. 

“Trust me. He will.” She wore a devilish grin on her face. I’m quite afraid of what will happen if Tony says no. “Anyways, we should probably find Bucky and Rhodey. They are probably getting into trouble.” 

“Yeah, let’s do that.” 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you so much for reading! I really hope you enjoyed it and continue to support me!


	7. Nickelback.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Buck always listens to the same songs on repeat, and it annoys the hell out of Steve. Plus, Steve is really body conscious.

** _Chapter 7_ **

** _ 11/07/2001 _ **

_ Nothing too eventful has happened these past two days. I haven’t really brought up the whole kissing thing to Bucky. It’s kind of all gone back to normal. And by normal I mean, me pining over him and him having no idea. It’s Wednesday night and I’m absolutely pissing myself over the fact that I’m going to ask him on a date on Friday. Pepper and I have planned it all out. I’m going to ask him to come with me to the art museum. He’s always been interested in going, but we’ve never had the money. The group found out what I was planning and pitched in. It caught me off guard, but I was pleasantly surprised when I found out. I’m glad that they are supporting me. I’m more surprised that Bucky didn’t find out about it. Speaking of Bucky, he’s listening to “How You Remind Me” by Nickelback in the shower. I can hear him obnoxiously singing. He’s actually a really good singer, it’s scary really. I’d really enjoy him singing right now, if he wasn’t listening to Nickelback. Hell, I’d really prefer Billie Jean right now. I honestly have no idea how he can listen to one song on repeat for so long. It would drive me insane. In fact, it does drive me insane. Everything about him drives me insane. When his hair is wet from the water, his shirtless body, his-. Okay we’re gonna stop there. I think I got a bit carried away. God I really wish he would shut the fuck up right now. He stopped running the water, so now you can really hear it. I’m about to barge in there and throw the radio out of the window. Anyways, I’m trying not to reveal how stressed I am. I don’t think he’s noticed so far, which is great. I don’t want him questioning me. I’m an awful liar. I should probably put this away. It sounds like he’s about to come out the shower.  _

I put my journal underneath my covers and pulled out my book. Every quarter we have to read a different book. My class was assigned  _ Because of Winn-Dixie  _ by Kate DiCamillo. We have to do little annotations for it. Annotations shouldn’t be so hard, considering the fact that I write in a journal. I heard the bathroom door open and the steam rush into the bedroom. It’s kind of convenient having a bathroom in your bedroom. You don’t have to go around the house in a towel. 

“The showers all yours.” Bucky called out. 

“Alright. I’m coming.” I grabbed my clothes from out of their respective drawers, and walked towards the bathroom. As I was walking into the bathroom Bucky was walking out. I’m not sure if he plans to look so handsome and flawless all the time, but it certainly kills me. He’s basically the embodiment of a football God. He has the perfect body, he’s insanely tall, and he’s absolutely gorgeous. I walked into the bathroom and locked the door to start taking a shower. I took off my shirt and pants getting ready to take my shower, but then I realized that Bucky’s radio was still in here. After he takes his shower he always does his homework and listens to his music. It’s basically the only way he gets his work done. I went to put back on my shirt and pants to go back out of the bathroom so Bucky doesn’t get my bony body scarred in his head, but then I thought of what Pepper said. Stop being so hard on myself. So what do I do? I unlocked the door, and walked my happy ass over to Bucky, just in my shirt and boxers. I then tossed his radio on his bed, and walked back as fast as I could to the bathroom. I feel like that was the most self conscious I’ve ever been. He was eyeing me up and down the whole time I was walking. He was probably staring at my bones. I look disgusting. I have zero meat on me. I’m not really sure why I hate myself this much. Tony wouldn’t think of me this way. Clint wouldn’t think of me this way. Hell, Bucky wouldn’t think of me this way. Why do I disgust myself so much? I stared at myself in the mirror. I traced my fingers over my ribs. I then traced my hands over my waist and hips. 

“God, I’m so ugly.” I blurted out. I really hope I didn’t say it as loud as I thought I did. I started the shower. I put the water as hot as I can take it. I like the way the burning feels on my skin. It’s really strange, but I’ve always been like that. I’m in the shower for about 15 minutes, and then I decided I should get out. It was getting a bit too hot. I started drying myself off with a towel, and look at myself in the mirror again. My skin is now red, my hair is damp, and I’m sweating. Bucky looks flawless in the mirror, and I just look like a malnourished ten year old. Life really  _ is  _ unfair. I get dressed, dry off my hair as best as I can, brush my teeth, and unlock the bathroom door. As soon as I opened the door the cold air hits my skin. Another thing hits me too. Bucky listening to his second song of the day. It’s unlike him to listen to two different songs a day. This time he’s listening to “Out of Touch” by Daryl Hall and John Oates, and of course he’s singing along. He’s not only freakishly handsome, he’s also a phenomenal singer. 

“Nice shower?” Bucky asked. 

“As nice as it could be.” I responded. 

“You were in there for quite a while.” He was trying to get information out of me. This was him trying to snoop. He doesn’t do very well with it. 

“Well, I wanted to be clean.” I joked. He took a deep breath for a second. It’s like he was building up the confidence to say something. Then, he finally said it. 

“You aren’t ugly.” He quickly said. It was like he was afraid of saying it. Afraid that I’d be angry at him. 

“Oh. You heard that?” I asked. I knew I said it too loud. 

“Faintly. You weren’t too loud. Just loud enough for me to hear.” 

“Ah. Well. Thank you.” I half smiled. I always try to half smile to make it seem like I’m okay. 

“Seriously, Stevie. Talk to me whenever you want. I’m always here. I’m not going anywhere, no matter what.” He said, staring directly at me. I could see in his eyes that he was serious. “I’m with you till the end of the line, pal.” He finished. I was shocked. I really had no idea of what to say. All words left me. I was speechless. 

“I-I.” I kept trying to form words, but they wouldn’t come out. I really was trying my hardest. 

“I know.” Bucky said. But, he doesn’t know. He doesn’t know how much he means to me. He doesn’t know his impact on my life. He doesn’t know how much I love him. He doesn’t understand how much I want to be with him. Bucky and Steve. Steve and Bucky. Us against the world. I want him to know. That’s what I want him to know. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you so much for reading! I really appreciate it. I hope you have a great day!


	8. Chihuahua.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Today’s finally the day Steve asks Bucky the question. If anything goes awry, he can always just unleash it on Clint.

** _Chapter 8_ **

I feel like I could vomit. It’s Friday, the football game is almost over, and that means we are going to Tony’s for the party. Pepper checked up on me during half time. That’s the only time she gets off. She’s a cheerleader, so she only sees us during half time. I felt a tap on my shoulder. 

“He’s doing good!” Wanda exclaimed. 

“He always does good.” Sam stated. 

Bucky is the star quarterback at school. A lot of different colleges are scouting him, and he’s only a junior. I know jack shit about football, but I do know that he runs fast, throws fast, and is just fast in general. That’s basically all I could tell you about football. That he’s just insanely good. 

“Are you nervous?” Natasha turned around on the bleachers to ask me. 

“I feel like I can vomit everywhere right now.” I answered. I feel sick. 

“Ew, aim it at Clint.” Tony blurted out. This earned a punch in the arm from both Clint and Natasha. 

“You’ll be fine. It’s just Bucky. There’s nothing to be worried about.” Natasha consoled me. 

“If it doesn’t work, everything will be fine. You won’t lose him.” Clint said. I felt someone shaking my back. I turned around to see Thor. 

“You’ve got this in the bag.” He smiled and said. Bruce, Loki, and Rhodey also offered me their most supportive smiles. Loki’s looked fairly intimidating, but I’ll still take it. I know he means well. 

Before we knew it, the game was over. We always wait for Bucky outside of the band room. It takes him a little bit longer than everyone else because he has to get changed. I then feel my phone vibrate in my pocket and I look down to see who it was. 

**[Bucky 9:26 PM] On my way. Walking with Pep.**

“Bucky and Pepper are on their way.” I turned to tell Tony. Bucky, Pepper, Sam, Rhodey, and I are all carpooling with Tony. Clint, Natasha, Wanda, Pietro, and Bruce are following behind us. Then Thor and Loki are following Clint. As I see Bucky and Pepper approach us, I feel my heart beating faster and faster. Just looking at Bucky is giving me anxiety. Pepper is making him laugh. God, I can't get over his smile. It’s so beautiful. He’s so beautiful. I can’t believe I’m going through with this. It only takes five minutes to get to Tony’s house from the school, and that means five minutes to pull myself together. As Bucky became closer, everyone started to congratulate him. I was trying to say something, but if I speak I’ll vomit everywhere. God my heart is beating so fast. It feels like it’s hitting against my ribs. I don’t get scared too easily, but I’m terrified right now. Everyone starts shuffling along to get to their respective cars, and Pepper motions me to move forward. She offers me her arm and I gladly hook onto it. Bucky is too distracted with Sam and Rhodey to notice me nearly passing out. 

“It’s going to be okay, Steve. It’s alright.” Pepper reassured me. 

“I’m just scared. Scared to fuck it up.” I heard my voice break. I’m terrified. 

“Listen up, Rogers. He loves you. End of story. And if he doesn’t say yes that’s his loss. Because you are one of the best guys I’ve ever met.” Tony announced. I was touched. Tony is never nice, unless money is involved. 

“Thanks, Tony. That means a lot to me.” I mumbled. I always mumble when it comes to my feelings. 

“Anytime, Chihuahua.” He started to grab his keys out of his pockets to unlock his car. It took long enough that we were able to catch up with others. Sam, Rhodey, and Pepper went on the right side of the car, and Bucky, Tony, and I went on the left. As soon as Tony unlocked the car, Rhodey and Sam climbed into the third row. Bucky opened the door and motioned me to enter. I sat on the right behind the passenger seat, in which the passenger was Pepper. Bucky sat on my left side. He always preferred sitting on the left. Tony started the car and it was oddly quiet. As if they expected me to say something then and there, even though they already know the plan. 

“You did great tonight, Bucky.” I said to try and break the silence. 

“Thanks.” That was an oddly short response. He normally says more than that. I face the window and see him pulling his phone out of his pocket. 

“Probably texting some girl. You don’t stand a chance.” I thought to myself. I then feel my phone vibrate in my pocket yet again. I pull it out and then I see the text. Apparently I’m the girl. 

**[Bucky 9:35 PM] You aren’t being yourself. Talk when we get home? **

**[Steve 9:35 PM] I’m just feeling a little off. We can talk later. **

**[Bucky 9:36 PM] Promise? **

**[Steve 9:36 PM] Promise. **

I put my phone back in my pocket. I really didn’t realize how long I had been thinking, because we were already at Tony’s. 

“Dear God. This is it. You can do this.” I cheered for myself in my head. I need confidence. 

Everyone was getting out of their respective cars and greeting each other yet again. We all started filing into Tony’s house and just started making small talk. I wanted to go as long as I could before I asked him. I heard Bucky asking Tony for water from behind me. Bucky then walked around the couch and handed me the water bottle. 

“You look like you’re going to pass out. Drink it.” He told me. Not only does it look like I’m going to pass out, it feels like I’m going to pass out. I opened it and took a sip. In that time, Bucky sat down next to me on the couch, his left arm wrapped around the back behind me. I turned to look at him. 

“Can I talk to you?” I asked. I can't believe I just mustered up the courage to do that. I can’t believe I’m doing this. 

“Yeah, sure.” 

I stood up and grabbed his hand. I motioned for him to get off the couch, and then I lead him into the room Pepper told me about. It was nice. The room had a little couch in it and a television. 

“Bucky I-“ I kept stuttering. I keep trying to get the words out, but I can’t find them. 

“It’s just me, Stevie. You can tell me anything.” He put a reassuring hand on my shoulder. Good lord help me. I may throw up all over him. 

“Please don’t hate me.” 

“I never could.” I choked on air when he said that. I can do this. I’ve got this. 

“Bucky, I really like you, and I mean in the non friendship type of way,” I could feel my voice shaking and cracking. “You probably find it strange coming from a boy, but I was wondering if you wanted to go out on a date? You can say no, it won’t hurt me.” I muster out a small smile. I’m already expecting a no. 

“Steve, calm down. It’s alright,” he started to say. “I’d love to go on a date with you, in a non friendship way.” Bucky was beaming. I feel like I could pass out. 

“Did you just- just tell me yes?” I asked. I’m baffled. 

“I believe I did.” God his smile could kill me. “Listen I know I’m handsome and that can leave people speechless, but please say something.” 

“I just. I just. Wow.” I tried to form words, but nothing would come out. So I did what my body told me, and I pulled him into a hug. I wrapped my hands around his neck and he wrapped his arms around my waist and we hugged. His face was buried into my neck and I could feel his heart racing. We stood there for a while, rocking back and forth together. I think we both just wanted to be close to each other. After about two minutes, I finally pulled away. 

“Thank you.” I whispered. 

“I could never say no to you, Stevie.” He smirked. 

“Are you able to do tomorrow?” I asked. 

“Hmmm, I don’t know. Let me check my schedule.” He teased. “Of course I can do tomorrow. I can do any day if it means going with you.” He always knows the right things to say. It drives me wild. 

“12 am tomorrow. Art Museum.” I explained. His face visibly lit up when I said “art museum.” He's been wanting to go there for a really long time. 

“How did you get the money for that? The tickets go for $50 a piece!” He asked, surprised.

“Don’t worry about it, Buck.” 

“I’m going to get it out of you some day.” He teased. 

“No you won’t.” 

“I can get anything out of you.” 

“You didn’t get this out of me.” 

“True.” He took me in for another hug. This one was much more brief, but I knew what he meant by it. 

“We should probably go outside by the others” I told him. 

“Do they know?” He asked. 

“Know what?” I just wanted to hear him say it back to me. 

“That we are going out tomorrow. On a date.” 

“Trust me, they know.” 

After we walked out of the room together, we told everyone. They all congratulated me for being able to have the guts to do it, they thought I’d chicken out. The whole rest of the night was great. We watched movies, and really just chilled. It was going to be a big sleepover, but Clint, Bucky, and I all just wanted to go home. We said our goodbyes to everyone and headed out. Clint dropped us off at home. Bucky and I both said goodnight to his parents, and then got into our nightclothes to go to sleep. Bucky hit his pillow and fell asleep fast, but there was one thing I wanted to do before I went to sleep. I pulled out my journal. 

** _11/09/2001 _ **

_ I love you, James Buchanan Barnes.  _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you so much for reading! Have a great day!


	9. Can you move your journal?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Steve’s always had Bucky, and Bucky’s always had Steve. Now they finally get to go on their long awaited date.

** _Chapter 9_ **

**——————————————————**

I woke up in the middle of the night in a cold sweat. 

“Another damn nightmare.” I thought to myself. All of my nightmares consist of the same thing, Steve dying. I’m not sure why it happens, but I’m not going to question it. I turn to my left to see if Steve is in fact alive. It turns out that he is. 

“God. You’re so cute.” I whisper. Today was quite eventful. We won our football game, and my best friend asked me out on a date. This day couldn’t get any better. However, it could definitely get worse. I started to hear it. Steve was wheezing. This means an asthma attack is coming. They are the worst in his sleep. Those ones wake him up while he’s still dazed and confused, so it’s harder for him to process what to do. I start to sit up just in case it progresses, and it definitely is. He’s starting to violently cough. I start to walk up to him and wake him up. I had his inhaler in my left hand, ready for him to take it when he needed it. 

“Steve. Sit up.” I said to him, while tapping him awake. He slowly obeys. I hand him his inhaler and start gently rubbing his back in circular motions. That usually helps him calm down. He gets really tense when this happens. It took about five puffs from his inhaler for it to finally calm down. He was finally able to catch his breath. 

“Thank you.” He mumbled. 

“Any time.” I said, getting up to go back to my bed. I then felt Steve tug me down. 

“Stay.” He whispered. 

“Alright.” And so I did. I slept with him. He slept wrapped in my arms. He’s so small compared to me. I wrap my arms around his waist and pull him closer. This is all I’ve ever wanted and more. Just him. All I’ve ever wanted was him. I moved my arm up and I immediately feel something. 

“Stevie.” I whispered into his ear. 

“Yeah?” He mumbled into the crook of my neck. 

“Can I move your journal?” 

**—————————————————**

_ “Can I move your journal?”  _

“Did I just hear that right?” I thought to myself. Everyone else thinks it’s just a sketchbook. How does he know? I immediately moved my head up to stare at him, our faces only inches apart. 

“How did you know that was a journal?” I asked. 

“I hear you writing in it in the middle of the night. I haven’t read it, I swear on your mother’s grave.” I’ve never seen so much fear in his eyes. I must look like a crazy person right now. 

“I’m sorry. It’s just really personal and I’m just really tired. I didn’t mean to get heated.” I apologized. 

“It’s alright, Stevie. Just go to sleep. We have a big day ahead of us.” Bucky said while smiling. 

“Goodnight.” 

“Goodnight.”

** _ 11/10/2001 _ **

_ The date went amazing. It was like a kid in a candy store. Bucky has always talked about trying to get more interested in art. He’s always wanted to bond with me over it. He said “it was the perfect date.” It even earned me a kiss on the cheek from him. His lips are so insanely soft. We’ve also decided to make it official. We talked about it, and decided why not say we are boyfriends. We updated the Mr. and Mrs. Barnes on the situation and they fully supported us. Of course, we filled the others in too. We both took our turns to call them. He was holding my hand through the entire museum. It was absolutely amazing. We only got a couple of stares, but we didn’t care. We had each other and that’s all that mattered. I wish he were here, though. He went to run errands with his dad. He’s actually been gone for quite some time. They probably got side tracked with something. I just can’t wait till he gets back. He promised me a dance. He said that he wanted to teach me. I reluctantly agreed. I guess the experience would be kind of nice.  _

My door swung open. I nearly pissed myself. 

“Steven. Steven get in the car now.” Mrs. Barnes begged. She barely gave me enough time to slip on a shirt and shoes. 

“What’s wrong? What’s going on?” I asked her in the passenger's seat. I’ve never been ushered out of a home so quickly. 

“Honey, there’s been an accident.” She said, tears rolling down her cheeks. Immediately I know what she meant. Bucky and George. They’ve been gone for too long. Now thinking about it, they were running only two errands. It’s been an hour and a half. I felt the tears welling up, threatening to run down my face. 

“What do you mean? Can you say anything about it?” I asked, panicking. 

“George is dead. James is in serious, yet stable, condition.” She said, her voice breaking. She never calls Bucky by his first name, unless it’s serious. She explained that George died on the scene. Bucky was still somewhat conscious when they found him, screaming his father’s name. We aren’t sure what else has happened to Bucky, and she’s driving her fastest to find out. I’m surprised we haven’t gotten pulled over yet. We rushed as fast as we could to the ICU. They immediately sent Bucky to the ICU after seeing his condition, apparently. We went to the front desk, asked where Barnes was, and we got his room number. It was room 13. They only allow two people in a room at once, so both Winnifred and I were able to go in. He looked awful. He was rendered unconscious, so he can’t hear us walk in. We were informed that he’s going to have to have a mandatory amputation of his left arm. His arm was beyond saving. They told us that an 18-wheeler struck the left side of the car, and Bucky was sitting right behind the drivers side. He’s always had a thing about sitting in the passenger's seat, so he’s always chosen to sit in the back, preferably behind the driver. They were only waiting for Mrs. Barnes for the go ahead for the removal of the arm. We were told that he was going to have an above the elbow amputation. It would be right before it would reach his shoulder. I can't help but worry for him when he wakes up. I don’t know what will happen. 

After about ten minutes, the nurses and doctors asked us if we could leave the room. They wanted to take him and operate on him as soon as possible, and that soon was right now. We both spent the night at the hospital. I fell asleep for a little bit on Mrs. Barnes’ shoulder, but she was on the phone calling relatives. I felt her tears hit the top of my head, but I didn’t want her to know I was awake. If I had to look at her, I knew I’d start crying too. After a couple hours, they brought Bucky back to his room, without the left arm. We couldn’t go in just yet, since he was fresh out of surgery. 

“I think it’s safe to say we aren’t going to school today.” I thought to myself. Humor is my largest coping mechanism, and I really needed something to cheer me up. 

It’s now 6:00 AM. They won’t let us in the room yet. The want Bucky to be conscious and realize what’s happening before he sees us. They want us to process this. Winnifred finally fell asleep. This time it was her turn to fall asleep on my shoulders. Everything finally started to sink in. George is gone. He’s just. Gone. The last words I told him was “see you in a little bit!” The “little bit” never came. It never will come. I felt myself starting to cry. He’s raised me like his own child. Hell, he just offered me his endless support today when he found out I was in a homosexual relationship with his son. I’ve lost two of my fathers. It hurts, and I can't imagine the pain Bucky will feel once he wakes up. I can’t imagine the pain Winnifred is in. 

“Mrs. Barnes?” The nurse says. I tapped Mrs. Barnes on the shoulder to wake her up. When she woke up, she looked dazed. 

“Y-Yes ma’am?” She mustered out. She didn’t look so good, but neither would I after finding out that my husband just died. 

“He’s awake. He’s asking for you two. In fact, he won’t stop yelling about a boy named ‘Steve’. I’m guessing that’s you.” She managed to give me a half smile. Most people think I’m his younger brother, not his best friend, or I guess boyfriend. We both got up to walk into the room. As we opened the door, we were greeted with Bucky sitting straight up in his bed. Both of us rushed to both of his sides. I went for his left side, and Mrs. Barnes went for his right. 

“Steve.” He mumbled. He looked awful. He looked like he’d been to hell and back. “Mommy.” He smiles at her. I’ve never heard him call her that in his life, and I’ve known him for years. He turns his body to face her, and he brushes her hair out of her face with his thumb. She starts to cry even harder. 

“Is Dad okay?” Silence filled the room. Complete deafening silence. At that, Mrs. Barnes fell apart. She couldn’t respond to his question, but her tears were enough. 

“Buck, he-he passed. On the scene.” I choked and stumbled on my own words. I then found myself crying. The face he gave me. The sheer terror. That face will be burned into my mind forever. The tears on his face were starting to form, and once they formed they wouldn’t stop. I went to grab for his left hand, quickly realizing I couldn’t. He hasn’t even brought that up yet. At the mention of his father, he didn’t even care about his arm. We were all just three people crying together. His mom held his right hand in hers, so I held onto his left thigh, rubbing soothing circles on the top of it. I wanted to do anything to make his sobs stop. They were heart wrenching. It sounded like he was being strangled. 

We’ve been in there for an hour now. I felt myself starting to get tired. This hour has basically just been filling Bucky in, and the doctors explaining his intense physical therapy. He also learned he’d be out of football for an insanely long amount of time, basically meaning forever. He looked like he’d just been shot, or in this case, his arm was amputated. Mrs. Barnes stepped out of the room for a second to get some air, so I stole her spot at the right edge of the bed. His legs were on the left side, so I’ve just been kneeling down for about two hours. 

“It still feels like it’s there.” Bucky blurted out loud. I was confused for a second. I didn’t understand what he meant, until he pointed his eyes down at where his left arm would be. 

“It’s almost like a ghost. I feel like I can move it, but I’m not moving anything.” He said. He sounded tired. 

“I’m so sorry, Buck.” I said. I wasn’t sure what else to say. 

“I’m alright.” He said with a smirk on his face. 

“You don’t look alright.” 

“No. Stevie, I’m all right.” He said chuckling. It felt wrong to laugh at his pain, but I figured that’s what he wanted. 

“You mean everything to me.” I blurted out. 

“I know. The feeling is mutual.” He grabbed my hand. I’ve never craved his touch more than this one moment. 

“Don’t leave me.” I said. I felt my voice breaking again. 

“I never will.” 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I really hope you enjoyed this chapter! Sorry that it got so dark towards the end. Thank you for your support and I hope you keep reading!


	10. Wash the pan.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Bucky is still trying to adjust to his new injury. Steve is trying to help him as best as he can, but Bucky is insanely stubborn. All of the stress is getting to Steve and Bucky and is putting a strain in their own relationship.

** _Chapter 10_ **

** _ 11/16/2001_ **

_ I’ve really been slacking in writing this. However, in my defense it’s been a lot to handle. Bucky is home, with one less arm. He keeps making jokes about how he’s “all right.” I asked him to lend me a hand in getting my shirt off during an asthma episode and he told me that he only has one left. I know his jokes are just a facade. At night I hear him. He cries, and cries, and cries. He wakes up every night with a new nightmare. I tried to help him one night, but he told me to fuck off and mind my own business. George’s funeral was today. It was a long time from when he died, but he got cremated so it took a while. Everyone keeps stopping by every once in a while. The only person Bucky has really opened up to is Natasha, though. For some reason, he feels really comfortable around her. He opens up to me, but he lets her know what is going on with him. Lately all I’ve been getting is a “fuck off” or a “go to hell.” It kind of hurts. Is this how he felt when I would scream at him when my mom died? I know everything is hard right now, but I’m just trying to help. He’s my boyfriend. It’s the least I can do. We are planning on going back to school on Monday. I’m not sure how he’s going to do in the car ride. We are skipping out on the carpooling and just driving with Mrs. Barnes for now. We want to test the waters with him. On the car ride home from the hospital, he held onto me and started sobbing. He had a giant panic attack just at a simple stop of the breaks at a stop sign. George left Bucky his car in the will, but I’m not so sure he will use it. In fact, Bucky told me just to use it. I immediately turned him down. It’s not my car. Besides, the car is gone anyways. I just hope Bucky gets over it. I hate seeing him like this. He’s trying to hide how much he misses his old self, but he’s doing an awful job of it. He’s spending a lot longer in the shower, and he doesn’t sleep with his shirt off anymore. I think he thinks that I’ll think he’s ugly, which can’t be further from the truth. I still think he looks like a god among men, and I think everyone would agree with me. Especially with the stubble he has going on right now. It’s probably cruel to think he’s attractive because he’s going through such a rough time, but he looks flawless with the stubble. Okay, this isn’t probably cruel; This is cruel. I need to get my mind out of the gutter and get some shut eye. Goodnight, journal.  _

Tonight was a record. I got to sleep till 5:00 AM until Bucky started his episodes. He woke up in a cold sweat screaming and crying. I went over to try and soothe him. For a couple minutes he let me, but then all of a sudden he pushed me off and told me to “leave him the fuck alone.” 

“What the fuck is your problem? Stop being an asshole and let me help you!” I snapped. It takes a lot to send me over the edge, but the constant “fuck you’s” are sending me over the edge. 

“What the fuck is  ** _my _ ** problem? I lost my fucking arm, if you haven’t noticed. I’d really think twice about asking what my fucking problem is, Steven.” He snapped back. 

“Oh are we bringing full names into this now? Get your fucking head out of your ass for once, James. I know that’s fucking hard for you, but maybe you can try that for once.” Now he’s really pissing me off. 

“Oh. Sorry that it’s not the ‘poor pitiful Steve’ show right now. I know everything is about you! God fucking forbid I be upset about my own father dying. But yeah, I have my head up my ass. Shove your mother's gravestone up your ass, Rogers.” I saw red. Before I knew it, I slapped the piss out of him. After I pulled my hand away from his face, I saw the mark my palm made. It looked like he finally got brought back into reality. 

“Fuck. You.” I said in between breaths. There’s no way Winnifred didn’t hear us, but I don’t think she wanted to bring it up. After I finished, I pulled on my shirt and walked out of the door. I made the executive decision to sleep on the couch. I’ve never slapped Bucky before, but this time he deserved it. I wasn’t going to listen to him say that about my mom. He easily could’ve taken me down with even one arm, but he still didn’t. As I was getting settled into the couch, I kept repeating his words in my head. Do I actually have my head shoved up my ass? I don’t want to put much thought into it, so I leaned my head into the couch pillows in an attempt to fall asleep. I didn’t bring out a blanket, so I was completely shivering but I’m not bringing myself back into that room. I got the last word. 

I woke up around three hours later at about 8:00 AM to rustling in the kitchen. I also woke up to a blanket around me. It’s Bucky’s favorite, so he must’ve waited till I fell asleep to give it to me. I turned around on the couch to try and get a view to see who was in the kitchen. It was Mrs. Barnes. 

“He’s a tough egg to crack, Steve.” She said out loud. She wasn’t expecting me to respond, but she knew I was listening. “He loves you more than anything, he’s just in a bad place.” She explained to me. “I picked up a shift, take care of the house while I’m gone.” She walked over to the couch and planted me a kiss on the cheek. “Just so you know, I don’t think your head is up your ass.” She whispered in my ear. After that, she was out the door. I wrapped the blanket around my body into a cocoon like shape. It smelled like Bucky. Like home. I didn’t notice the footsteps rustling around on the ceiling above me while I was talking to Mrs. Barnes. This probably means Bucky is awake, or that he hasn’t slept. I flipped over on my right side so that he wouldn’t see my face while coming down the stairs. I didn’t want him to see me. I’m ashamed of myself. I should never have hit him. Apparently this somewhat works, because he walks down the stairs and doesn’t say a word. He probably thinks I’m still asleep, which I have to admit, I was dozing off a bit again. I then heard him approach me from behind and I felt him plant a kiss on the back of my head. He rubbed my back and just mumbled, 

“I love you.” Into my ear. There’s definitely no way that he knows I’m awake. The kiss he gave me sent shivers down my spine. That was the most contact he’s given me since he’d come back. He’s also never told me that he’s loved me before. Before I know it, I’m dozing off yet again. 

This time I woke up at 10:25 AM to the sounds of Bucky snoring on the recliner. This is the first time he’s slept in a while. I definitely wasn’t waking him up. I then decided on going upstairs, using the bathroom, washing my face, and brushing my teeth. By the time I came back from doing my morning rituals, Bucky was awake again. 

“I’m sorry.” I said as I was coming down the stairs. 

“Wow. Straight to the point.” He said while yawning. 

“James, I’m not kidding. I’m really sorry.” I was crushed. It’s been killing me for hours. 

“I know. I’m really sorry too. I shouldn’t be treating you like shit. It’s not your fault I’m like this.” He choked out. 

“Your face is still red.” I realized.

“Steve, it’s fine.” He repeated. 

“I hurt you.” I moaned into my hands. I walked myself to the couch and sat down. 

“You didn’t hurt me. It’s fine.”

“You should've punched me. I totally deserved it. I’m such a bad b-.” Before I could finish, he cut me off. He was. Kissing me??? He’s never kissed me on the lips before. This was the first. 

“Don’t even think about finishing that.” He threatened. 

“Really? Because I’m thinking about finishing it a lot right now.” I teased. He punched my arm and told me to shut up. 

“Are we okay? I really didn’t mean that stuff last night.” He swayed side to side. 

“I know you didn’t. We are okay, I swear.” I promised him. 

After we finished apologizing to each other, I got up and made us breakfast. It wasn’t anything special, just eggs and biscuits. Bucky still really appreciated the gesture. He’s still trying to get used to only have his right arm, and his left shoulder is still really sore. Next week he gets his prosthetic and starts physical therapy. Mrs. Barnes and I both wanted to make sure he had a really nice prosthetic so he could feel comfortable, so we chose an expensive one and both chipped in. I had a bit of money from my mom’s death, so I put some of it to good use. The insurance company only paid half, so Mrs. Barnes and I covered the other half. However, the other have was an easy $1,000. We split that in half and paid $500 each, so Bucky better love this arm. He hasn’t seen it yet, and he doesn’t even know I contributed to the cost. I just hope he’s happy with it. Even though it’s kind of a strange metal arm, it’s shaped like his right one. We basically got a mold of his right arm, and converted it to a left so they matched. We wanted him to be as comfortable as possible. 

“I invited Nat, Sam, and Clint over.” Bucky said, in between his bites of food. “They said they’d be over at around noon.” I looked at my clock. It was already 11:35. Bucky was completely dressed, and I was most definitely not. I haven’t even showered, I completely forgot last night. After we finished eating together I went to grab his dishes to put them in the dishwasher. I was also going to hand wash the pan for the eggs on the stove, and the baking sheet for the biscuits. 

“I can handle the dishes. Go take a shower and get dressed.” He said, grabbing my plate from out of my hands. 

“Are you sure? It’ll only take me a couple of seconds.” I asked. I really didn’t want to make him do them. He needs to relax for a bit. He’s been super stressed and has barely slept lately. 

“I have to get used to it, Steve. I’ve got this. Go shower.” He responded. He gave me a quick peck on the lips, and then I left to go take my shower. It took me a good twenty minutes to shower and get dressed, so it was already 11:55 when I finished. I heard some rustling down stairs, and then heard Natasha’s voice. She’s always early. You have to expect her to come 5 minutes earlier than the time she tells you. I start walking downstairs, and then I realized what was going on. Natasha was washing my pan and baking sheet. Bucky was sitting on the couch with his hand over his head. 

“Natasha, what are you doing?” I asked. 

“What does it look like? I’m doing your dishes.” She responded, scrubbing away at the biscuit sheet. 

“Move over. I can do them.” I tried to take the towel from her, but she wouldn’t budge. I then heard Bucky get up from the couch, and slowly walk up the stairs. He probably needed to cool down. Natasha looked behind me to make sure Bucky was gone. 

“He was crying when I came in. Full on shaking and sobbing. He sounded awful.” She whispered. 

“Why? What happened?” I asked. I already knew what it was, but I had to hear it come from someone else. 

“He couldn’t do the dishes, Steve. He loaded them into the dishwasher, but he couldn’t hand wash them. The pan kept sliding around everywhere and he was getting frustrated. When I came in, the pan’s lid was shattered on the floor. It was completely broken.” She looked down and pointed to the floor. There’s a scratch on the hardwood floor from where the glass pan collided with it. “Should you check up on him?” She asked me after a moment of silence. 

“He likes being alone. He gets pissed when I try and comfort him.” I mumbled. It was embarrassing to say. Whenever Tony needed Pepper, he called her. Bucky never called me. I then explained last night’s events to her. She stood there, shocked. I didn’t realize that I started to cry. I felt awful saying I hurt him. He was already in pain, what kind of monster am I? Natasha pulled me into a hug. This was the longest five minutes of my life. I didn’t hear Bucky coming down the stairs. I was too distracted by the way Natasha was holding me. It felt just like my mother’s hugs, comforting yet strong. It wasn’t until Natasha pulled away that I noticed Bucky. Staring. Watching. He probably heard. I wasn’t exactly quiet while explaining it. I definitely wasn’t quiet when I brought up Pepper and Tony. We all just stared at each other in awkward silence, really awkward silence. We then heard knocking on the door. I’ve never been more happy to hear it. 

“I’ll go get that.” Natasha said. 

“I-“ I started to say. 

“We can talk about this later.” His expression was unreadable. It was like a mix of anger and sadness. He was probably angry at me. No, that’s wrong. He was probably angry at his situation. I felt myself starting to freak out. I started to freak out at the thought that Bucky didn’t love me anymore. I shook the thought from my head. 

“He told you he did this morning, you idiot.” I reassured myself. During my time of thinking, I didn’t realize that I was still standing in the kitchen, pan in hand. Natasha handed it to me to pick up, but I haven’t moved at all. I also didn’t realize Sam staring straight at me. 

“Earth to Steve. You in there, Rogers?” He asked, staring at me on the sofa. 

“Yeah, yeah. I’m in here. I just need to sit down.” I put on my fakest smile. I needed to seem normal. I went to sit down, Bucky didn’t move to make room for me to sit down next to him, but Clint did. I sat in between Natasha and Clint. 

“It’s okay.” Clint whispered in my ear. I guess he felt how stressed and upset I was. 

Everything was going great. Except for the fact that Bucky wasn’t speaking to me. He would ignore every comment I made. As soon as the silence hit, that’s when the emotions hit. I couldn’t stop thinking. It was an overflow of emotions. I felt myself short of breath. This wasn’t an asthma attack. My throat could gasp for air, but my body was fighting it. I can’t exactly remember what happened, but I remember just sitting there shaking. I couldn’t feel my arms and my legs. All I felt was the pressure of Clint getting up. I remember screaming. 

“Clint. Clint. Clint! Clint!” Over and over again. The sound of my own screams are going to burned in my brain forever. I was grabbing at whatever was in front of me. I heard the noise around me. The most clear was Bucky’s. He just kept saying it was going to be okay. I most certainly didn’t feel like it was going to be okay. All I kept hearing in my head was the repeat of my mom’s heart monitor, and Bucky yelling at me to fuck off. They don’t need me. 

“You’re useless, Steven. Completely and utterly useless.” I said to myself. I would never say that to myself any other day, but for some reason my brain thought it was okay to say it now. 

“Jesus fuck, Clint. Move. Let me see him.” I heard Bucky say. It cut through loud and clear. I felt myself mutter 

“James?” 

“I’m touching you, don’t freak out.” He pulled me into him. I felt someone rubbing my back, I figured it was Natasha, until I turned to my left and saw Sam instead. 

“You’re okay.” I’m okay. 

“It’s going to be alright.” It’s going to be alright. 

“I’m here.” He’s here. 

“I’m not leaving you.” He’s not leaving me. 

After my huge fiasco, the others figured it would be best to leave us alone. I had managed to calm down, but I was still shaken up. That’s never happened to me before. Bucky and I sat on opposite sides of the sofa. After my issue happened, we went back to how it was before. He was shutting me out. I wanted to break the silence, so that’s what I did. 

“Why are you shutting me out?” I blurted out. I didn’t mean it to come out so harshly, but it happened anyway. 

“I don’t want to be a burden.” He admitted. 

“You won’t be a burden, Buck.” 

“Then why do I feel like it? You constantly do my dishes. You do my laundry. These are things I should be able to do by myself.” His voice cracked at the last part. 

“Bucky, you just lost your arm. Cut yourself some slack.” I said. 

“I should be able to wash a pan, Steve. I can’t even wash a fucking pan.” He started to cry now. Bucky Barnes. Star football player. Sobbing his eyes out on the couch. The last time I looked at him crying was in the hospital bed. “I lost my dad. I lost my arm. What the fuck do I do now.” 

“Well for starters, you can’t stop being an asshole. You can’t take it all out on me. None of this was my fault.” I said. It took me a lot of courage to get that out. 

“Are you saying it’s my fault.” There we go. Bucky getting all defensive again. 

“What the fuck? Bucky no. It’s the other drivers fault. You really think I would blame you?” I was actually hurt by that accusation. Did he really think I blamed him?

“I’m sorry. I’m really sorry. I don’t mean to keep snapping at you. You’re just the closest thing I have around and it’s my natural instinct.” He admitted. 

“Well then, I wish I wasn’t.” I joked. I wanted him to stop crying. 

“Do you realize how much I love you?” Bucky asked. Of course I knew how much he loved me. I’ve always known, but nowadays I’m not so sure. It’s hard to know with all the yelling. 

“Sometimes it’s hard to tell. You’ve been kind of an asshole.” I admitted. I’m really getting a lot of my chest. I think we both need to. 

“I know, I’m really sorry. I just don’t like relying on other people, and I’m realizing that now I have to and that’s scary.” 

“We’ve always relied on each other, Bucky. That’s why I wanted to be your boyfriend in the first place.” His crying increased when I said that. I wanted to go over and hug him, but I didn’t want to get punched. 

“I’m such a dick.” He mumbled. I don’t think he expected me to hear him, but I definitely did. 

“No you aren’t. You’re just confused right now.” 

“I can’t keep using my arm as an excuse to be an asshole. You can’t lie to me and say that wasn’t what started you off this evening. I knew that’s what it was. You were talking out loud, you know.” I looked at him like he had three heads. I was completely speechless. I really said all that stuff out loud. 

“You aren’t useless, but I made you feel that way. You deserve so much more than that. Why haven’t you left me?” I couldn’t take it anymore. He’s said it twice to me, I’m saying it this once. I’ve known him my whole life. Why is it so hard to say it now? 

“Bucky. I love you. I’m not leaving you. You’re the best thing that’s happened to me.” With this, he got up off his side of the sofa and hugged me, or really squeezed me to death. I haven’t hugged him like this in so long. I needed this.  _ We  _ needed this. It was a bunch of “I’m sorry’s” and “I love you’s” coming from him. He was practically laying on top of me, which is a scary thought because he had to be like 100 pounds larger than me. He’d crush me. 

“I missed you. I missed you so much, Stevie.” It’s only been a week, but hearing the name “Stevie” felt like so long ago. He hasn’t called me Stevie all week. It’s always been Steve, Steven, of asshole. 

“I’ve missed you too, jerk.” 

It was our regular rotation for the night. He’d wake up screaming and crying, and I’d be up waiting for him. However today he didn’t push me off. He held me close and forced me down into the bed next to him. He didn’t tell me what this dream was about, but he kept telling me he loved me over and over and over again. We had school in the morning, so we couldn’t sleep in like we have been doing. I checked his phone to see what time it was, and found out it was 3:48. We wake up at 5:45 so we have around two hours to cool down and sleep. I did nothing of the sort, I watched and waited to see when he would fall asleep. It took a couple of minutes, but he eventually gave into the sleep. I soon gave in, too. 

“Boys, it’s time to wake up.” Mrs. Barnes said through the door. I guess we locked it after dinner last night. 

“Yes ma’am.” I replied. I felt all groggy. My voice felt raspy and deep. 

“Buck, get up.” I started shaking him awake. He’s always been a heavy sleeper. 

“M’no.” He responded, digging his face deeper into the pillow. 

“M’yes. Get up.” I said. I’m not about to sit here all day to try and get him up. “Bucky get  _ up.”  _ He flipped over on his back, but he still looked like he had no intention of getting up. “Am I seriously going to have to force you to get up?” I asked. 

“I’m afraid so, pipsqueak.” He teased. I don’t think that he thought I was being serious, until I climbed on top of him and straddled his waist. I tried putting as much weight on him as possible, and I used his biggest weakness, tickles. I started tickling his sides and his neck until he finally surrendered. “I can get used to waking up like this.” He said, shit eating grin on display. It was then I realized that I was still on top of him, just sitting there. 

“Well don’t get used to it. Next time I’m gonna push you out of the bed.” I teased. 

“Good luck with that, Rogers.” 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you so much for reading! I’m glad the chapters are actually semi-long now! I really hope you enjoyed and thank you for your support. ❤️❤️❤️


	11. Pythagorean Theorem.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Bucky and Steve are finally able to have their talks again, and Bucky is finally getting adjusted to having one arm. Things are still rough, but it’s getting a lot better for both of them.

** _Chapter 11 _ **

** _ 11/19/2001 _ **

_ School was fairly interesting today. All the attention was put on Bucky today, which was awful. Bucky hated attention, and he already had enough of it from this morning. It was a struggle to get him into the car. Mrs. Barnes was visibly frustrated, and I was trying my best to keep his cool for him. Eventually we coerced him into the car and got him to school. After we got out the car, the day just went to shit. Everyone kept staring at him, and asking him questions. They kept asking if he’d continue to play football, which was already a soft subject for Bucky. However, it was a relief that no one brought it up in our group. Wanda was trying to distract us about talking about her chemistry lab she’s doing today. Bucky knew what she was doing, and it was greatly appreciated. It took a lot of pressure off him. However, in gym class it was a totally different story. Normally I’m the one on the sidelines, but this time it was him. Today was mile day, which everyone already knew was bad for me. I tried to keep up with Bruce and Clint, but on my second lap I was already having an asthma attack. In fact, I actually passed out. It’s pretty common for me to pass out while doing the mile, but Bucky wasn’t next to Bruce and Clint to tell them what to do, so they were all just mildly confused. Bruce decided that he would just carry me and tell the gym teacher I collapsed. It wasn’t like I could argue, I was unconscious and being tossed over Bruce’s body like a rag doll. Bucky said that he couldn’t believe his eyes. I looked like a limp Barbie doll. Bruce just had me slumped over his shoulders. Naturally, they would ask Bucky to carry me, but he’s kind of lacking the arm. So Bruce carried me down to the nurses office and stayed with me. When I woke up he asked me if I was okay, and gave me a bottle of water. I definitely felt a lot better from when I was running. I found out that we were already in first lunch, and I was tempted to move to see Bucky, but my body was too sore to move. Apparently they called Winnifred and she was already on her way to get me, along with Bucky. Buck already had to be checked out for his physical therapy appointment later, so she thought why not take us both at the same time. She also gave me the option to go to the appointment with them, which I agreed I’d go for support. Bucky looked very appreciative when he found out I helped pay for his arm. It fit like a glove, or in his case it fit like just a normal arm. They gave him the option to practice using it at home too to get used to it, and he agreed. He wanted to use it as soon as possible. Bucky used to be left hand dominant, but he’s honestly doing so great with his right hand. The physical therapy is going to teach him how to be left handed again, but the right hand is working so well. He told me he’s going practice both so he could be ambidextrous. If that’s what makes him happy, then it’s fine with me. I’m surprised at the progress he’s made with his right hand. He can write pretty well. He’s been practicing writing with it since he lost his left one. It was a good distraction for him. The physical therapy session went great, besides the fact that he was visibly frustrated. He couldn’t move the fingers on his hand like he wanted to, and he couldn’t write that well. That led to him screaming “Fuck!” Then throwing his pencil on the ground. I was surprised they didn’t make him leave. As soon as we got in the car he took off the prosthetic. When we got home he headed straight into the room. In fact, I’m still in the living room. I thought he could use his space. Mrs. Barnes is in the kitchen. She thinks I’m doing homework. She looks so concentrated on cooking, that I decided to draw her. I drew her long brown hair, her smiling lips, and her small frame. I depicted her drawing the pot. I’m actually pretty satisfied with the result. I have it drawn on the back of this page. I should probably actually get started with my homework. Until later, journal.  _

I closed the journal and put it in my hand. I decided to finally go up to our room and grab my math book out of my bag. Good ol’ algebra. The door was shut and locked, so I was forced to knock. Which also means Bucky was forced to get up. 

“Who is it?” Bucky asks through the door. 

“Steve.” I replied. I heard him unlock the door and let me in. He must have been asleep, his hair was wild. He hasn’t cut his hair in a while, which meant it was getting longer. The long hair suited him just as much as the short hair. The long hair gives him an edge. By the guess of it, he was sleeping. I looked him up and down and noticed something, he wasn’t wearing his shirt. Ever since the accident, he’s never taken off his shirt. Why is he doing so now? I noticed that I was staring for an ungodly amount of time, and I immediately felt my face getting red. It’s not my fault his chest is at eye level for me. It’s distracting. 

“I-I need to get my math book.” I muttered, stumbling through the room. “I’ll get out of your hair in a second.” I quickly dug in my bag and reached for my math book. Good god this is embarrassing. I moved my legs toward the door. 

“You don’t have to leave the room. I don’t mind you being here.” I saw his steel blue eyes piercing through his fingers. He had his hand covering his face, and he was lying back down. He’s really making me want to risk it all right about now. Something about the way he looks at me just- 

“Okay shut UP, Steve!” I think to myself. My mom would never want me to think of such things. 

“Are- Are you sure. I can go.” I stuttered. 

“Am I a distraction?” Bucky teased. 

“A little bit, yes.” I admitted. I don’t think that he thought I would say that, because his face went bright red.

“I uh- I. Thanks?” He sounded so confused. I laughed to myself. He looked so handsome in this light. I’m resisting the urge to draw him. 

“No problem.” I chuckled. “Were you sleeping.” I asked. 

“Not exactly.” He looked at me. 

“Just thinking?” I asked again. 

“Certainly thinking about something.” His voice went deeper. I then realized what he was talking about, and how beyond dumb I was. I’m a 17 year old kid, he’s a 17 year old kid. What 17 year old boy would just be chilling with his door locked, shirt and pants off, in his bedroom alone and not be doing  _ something.  _ I tried to think of literally anything to change the conversation. 

“So uh, how about Pythagorean Theorem?” I blurted out. This caused Bucky to nearly piss himself laughing. It also caused me to laugh too. I can’t believe that’s the first thing I think of. “Hey your boyfriend totally just jacked off to you. You like Pythagorean theorem?” Maybe I really am a 12 year old. 

“God you are so dumb.” Bucky laughed, flopping himself down on his bed, yet again. 

“I should probably get that checked out.” I joked back. I am pretty dense. We were interrupted by Mrs. Barnes calling us down for dinner. 

**——————————————————**

“So I feel like we should talk about something.” Bucky and I just stared at each other. 

“Please not the sex talk please not the sex talk please not the-“ I said in my head. 

“The Stark’s said we could use their cabin for Thanksgiving. Do you boys like that idea?” Bucky and I audibly let out a breath of relief. Mrs. Barnes looked at us quizzically, and then we saw a deep blush arise on her cheeks. “Oh dear god, boys. Get your heads out of the gutter.” She said, shaking her head. I cleared my throat and took a sip of my water. 

“That’s fine by me.” I said. Thanksgiving is on the 22nd, which also happens to be Natasha’s birthday. It’s great to remember, because now Bucky can’t forget her birthday. We always get oddly lucky, because today was the last day of school before Thanksgiving break. We weren’t even there for five hours. Bucky was being oddly quiet. We just got great news, and he hasn’t said a word. It then hit me why Bucky hasn’t said anything. He just realized that this is his first Thanksgiving without his dad. Then it hits me too, this is my first Thanksgiving without my mom. All three of us looked at each other. We all had the same understanding of what we were going through. 

“I think we could all use a vacation. Get it off our minds.” I broke the silence. I couldn’t stand it. I didn’t want to keep thinking of my mom. Bucky got up from the table. All he said was 

“I can never get it off my mind.” 

His mother soon pushed out her own chair to follow him into his room. I heard the door shut behind her. I leaned into my chair and pushed my hair back. 

“Was that the right thing to say?” I thought to myself. I then decided it was. Bucky didn’t direct it at him, he directed it at the world. He directed it at himself. Bucky hasn’t really talked about the accident. He didn’t talk about the events. Nothing. He won’t have to talk about it until the trial. The driver of the 18-wheeler was charged with vehicular homicide. He was on his phone, and didn’t realize the stop light at the intersection. That’s all we know. Bucky won’t tell us anything else. 

I stayed down there, slowly picking at my peas, until Mrs. Barnes came down. Her face was red and blotchy. She was teary eyed, and her mascara was running. I ran up and hugged when she finally met the last step. She seemed like she needed a hug. It hit me that I’ve never talked to her about how she felt. No one has. 

“Are you okay?” Right when I asked her that, she broke down. It was if no one asked her that. She cried and cried. I understood what she meant. She missed George. She missed her old Bucky. She missed Sarah. She’s lost so much, and I never stopped to ask if she was okay. We sat on the couch with tea and she vented to me. She told me that while she was upstairs, Bucky told her what happened. He told her he watched his father die. He told her he got up and walked to his dad, even though he couldn’t feel his arm. Even though he was bleeding everywhere. His chest collided with the steering wheel. The seatbelt locked and burned into his neck. He was dead. That’s all she told me. She didn’t tell me anything else, and that’s all I needed to know. 

After we finished our tea we both agreed it was time we sleep. As she went upstairs, I started the dishes for her. After about ten minutes, I finally got upstairs too. I knocked on the door. I didn’t get an answer so I just walked in. Bucky was asleep on the bed. His chest was rising up and down, his hair in front of his face. His shirt was off again. I’m not sure what he’s trying to do to me, but it’s working. I grab my clothes to take a shower. I skipped out on grabbing a shirt, and just grabbed my boxers. 

“Two can play at this game, Barnes.” I laugh to myself. I undress and start running the water for the shower. 

I can’t stop thinking about him. The way his hair rests on his face, even when it’s short or long. How he towers over me. His body. Just him. How soft his lips are when he kisses me. How soft his skin is. I pray to god my mother forgives me for the way I’m thinking, but I give in just this once. I said fuck it just this once. It’s not like Bucky would ever find out about this. I hope the shower water is loud enough to just let me have this just once. I finished showering and walk out the shower. I dried off and put on my boxer shorts. I put the towel and my dirty clothes in the bin, and unlock the door. Just my luck, Bucky is still fast asleep. 

“Thank god.” I whisper. I pull myself under the covers and drift off into sleep. Tonight was one of the first nights Bucky didn’t wake up to a nightmare. He did however, wake up to himself saying my own name, which made me wake up as well. I acted like I was still fast asleep. All I could hear next to me is Bucky’s panting and him shifting in his bed. I knew I signed up for living with a 17 year old boy, but I didn’t realize I signed up for that too. 

That morning I acted like nothing happened. I just woke up, said good morning, brushed my teeth, gave him a quick peck on the lips, and headed downstairs for breakfast. Mrs. Barnes gave me a run down on the cabin. Bucky and I will have our own separate rooms and we will leave at about 4:00 in the morning to drive down there. We leave tomorrow on the 21st to get prepared for Thanksgiving. Normally they have a party at their house each year, but she wasn’t feeling up to it this year. Bucky then came down from the room, still shirtless and in his boxers. 

“Jesus. Put on some clothes, Bucky.” Mrs. Barnes fussed at him. 

“You birthed me. You’ve seen worse. Besides, Steve doesn’t mind.” By the look on his face, he heard me in the shower. He did the same thing I did and acted like he was sleeping when he definitely wasn’t. It made me wonder how loud I was. I immediately knew my face turned crimson red. My face felt like it was on fire. Bucky took it upon himself to lean against the back of my chair, his right arm draped across my side. 

“Anyways, you boys need to get packed. We are spending five days there. Pack five days worth of clothes and four nights worth of clothes. I don’t think it would hurt to pack extra undergarments too.” She directed us.

”I brought suitcases down from the attic. Bucky, you have the black one. Steve, you take the blue one, and I’ll take the red.”

“Sounds good to me.” Bucky said from behind me. His voice rattled deep in my chest. He really had no business having a voice that deep. Not that mine was any higher. I may not have a great body, but at least my voice isn’t high pitched and squeaky. 

“Sounds like a plan.” I said, smiling. 

Bucky took care of the dishes after we finished eating. He successfully washed the egg pan. I was kind of proud of him. 

** _ 11/20/2001 _ **

_ Bucky washed the egg pan!  _

I made note of that in my journal. There was no secret that I had it. Bucky knew I had it already. He was humming while washing the dishes. I recognized that melody. He was singing “Losing my Religion”. He knows how much I love that song. It’s like he’s trying to trap me into some type of love spell, and good lord it’s working. He finally stopped humming. 

“You have a good shower last night?” He asked. Even with his back turned towards me, I knew he was smiling. I thought to myself. 

“Alright two can play at this game.” 

“I don’t know. You had a good dream last night? Because it sounded like you were really enjoying yourself.” I teased. His neck up turned bright bright red. 

“I-I. You heard- oh god- I” He was stammering through his words. “Well this is embarrassing.” He nervously laughed. 

“Buck, I’m gonna tell you one thing and then we are gonna shut up about this. It’s fine.” 

“It’s fine.” He repeated. I’m glad we were both able to come to that agreement. 

I waited for him to finish the dishes, and then I followed him upstairs. I offered to grab his suitcase, but he refused. 

“I’m not helpless, Steve.” He said. 

“Just wanted to offer, Buck.” 

Packing shouldn’t have been as fun as it was. We were jamming out to music, and folding all of our clothes. He said 

“Last person to finish gets my arm in their bag.” And I couldn’t help but laugh. The lowest part of today was getting Bucky’s underwear thrown at my face. 

“BUCKY E W!” I screamed. He doubled over laughing. 

“I think I’m going to piss myself. Oh my god.” He was laughing so hard he started to cough. 

Bucky folds his clothes pretty fast for a kid with one arm. He’s over halfway done packing his bag, and I’m still not even halfway there. By the time he’s done with his bag it’ll weigh half of me. That’s one thing I remember about vacation, carrying the bags. It was always hard for me to drag, mostly because I was so small. Normally Bucky would take it if it was too much for me, but he can’t really do that now. Besides, I would always fight with him when he’d try and take it.

Bucky totally beat my ass at the whole packing game. He was done way before me. 

“I guess that means I carry your arm.” I said while folding a shirt. 

“I was just kidding, babe. I’ll carry my arm.” I nearly dropped my shirt on the floor. Bucky just looked at me like he was confused. 

“You just- you just called me babe!” I exclaimed. 

“Uh, yeah? Is that alright? I was just testing the waters.” Bucky was scratching his neck. That’s always been Bucky’s nervous tick, scratching his neck. 

“It is  _ more  _ than alright.” I said, a bit more excited than I should be. 

“Oh.” Bucky said smiling and blushing. “Well that’s cool then.” 

“It’s  _ really  _ cool.” I definitely sound excited. 

“Oh my god,  _ Steven.  _ Quit sounding so excited by this.” Bucky chuckled. 

“Whaaat? I’m not excited about anything, babe.” I teased. 

“I hate you so much.” He put is head in his hand. I walked over to him and pulled him into a hug. 

“I love you too.” 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you so much for reading! I really enjoyed writing this fic, so I’m trying to publish all my chapters quickly. I really hope y’all enjoy reading it as much as I enjoyed writing it! ❤️❤️❤️


	12. Safe.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Bucky and Steve talk about Bucky’s traumatic events, and try and be there for each other some more.

** _Chapter 12 _ **

** _11/20/2001 _ **

_ Bucky washed the egg pan!  _

_ I don’t know why I’m thinking about him so much. I’m not trying to make this the diary of a 17 year old pubescent, horny teen, but this is very much what it was becoming. It’s just that I can’t stop thinking about him. It’s his turn in the shower and I can’t stop thinking about him. Dear god I need help. Like counseling or something. Maybe conversion camp? Okay I did laugh a little bit while writing that, don’t lie to yourself, Steve. I just still can’t believe I asked him about the Pythagorean theorem. Talk about a mood killer. I’m still not sure why I’m so awkward with this stuff. Bucky could just come outright and say it, and I freeze and want to talk about literally anything else. I think about those events all the time, but talking about them out loud is so embarrassing, especially to the person it’s about. Then again, talking about it to a book isn’t exactly the best thing either. Anyways, we leave tomorrow morning. I’m excited, but not as excited that I’m not sharing a room with Bucky. It feels weird, not sharing a room with him. It’s only been a month since I’ve officially moved in, but I’ve basically lived here my whole life. We’ve pretty much always lived together. I also can’t wait to take a shower and wash my face. I’m still disgusted by the fact that Bucky threw his underwear at me. It wasn’t even boxers, it was boxer briefs. It’s scarred me for life. Okay, now I really want a shower. Jesus what’s taking him so goddamn long. Is he throwing a party in there or something?  _

I decided to knock on the door. The water wasn’t running and it was fairly quiet, so I just wanted to check and see if he was alright in there. 

“Yeah?” Bucky said through the door. His voice sounded strained. It sounded like he’d been beaten up in there. 

“It’s getting late. You almost done?” I asked. 

“I’ll be out in a second.” His voice sounded so broken and raspy. I felt bad for him. 

“Take your time.” 

I grabbed my nightclothes and set them on my bed. I heard the door slowly unlock and Bucky step out. He was facing the floor the whole time. I grabbed the clothes off my bed and walked towards the bathroom. Before I got even close to the door, I put my hand on Bucky’s waist. He stopped towards me, and looked at me in the eyes. His eyes were red, bloodshot. He looked like he’d been crying. They were all puffy and swollen. 

“Buck are you-” Before I could finish he stopped me. 

“I can’t forget it.” It took me a second, but I remembered what happened. I told him to sit and calm down, and I’d be out of the shower in five minutes tops. It was one of the fastest showers I’ve ever taken, but it was fine by me. I was worried about him. I quickly unlocked the door to walk back out to the room. He was sitting on my bed, waiting. He was curled up into my pillow. My bed is a twin, but it could easily fit both of us. I don’t take up much room. I sat down on the edge of the bed. He started to talk. 

“He didn’t see it coming. It happened so fast.” He started to say. “I remember hearing him hit the steering wheel. He didn’t even have time to scream. It was instant.” He explained. I didn’t want to interrupt. I just wanted to listen to him. “The sounds of bones crushing still play in my dreams sometimes. It sounded like someone snapped a twig in half. It was disgusting.” He audibly gagged, probably at the fact that he was explaining it. “The car rolled over. It was so hard to explain. At first I was confused as to how he hit the steering wheel, but then I realized the 18-wheeler rear ended the back side, it was a miracle I lived.” He whispered. “Sometimes I wish.” He stopped himself, and stared into my eyes. “This is so selfish. But sometimes I wish it were me.” He faced down. He wanted to avoid looking at me as he said it. 

“Buck, I.” I had no idea what to say. How do you respond to that? Your boyfriend wishes that it were him that died and not his dad. 

“That was so stupid to say. I’m sorry.” He choked back a sob. 

“That’s not stupid. I get what you mean. I wish it were me instead of my mom all the time. It’s normal. It’s a part of grieving. There’s nothing we can do to change the past, so let’s just suck it up and live in the present.” I told him. I’d never admitted that to anyone. 

“I’m sorry.” He said, quietly. 

“For what?” I asked. 

“You’ve been so focused on me, that I forgot that it’s your first holiday without your mom. I’ve never asked you how you’ve been doing.” I thought for a second. It all came in a wave. I’ve lost my dad and my mom. I don’t have parents. I’m the last one. I started to break down. I never thought about it this way. Mrs. Barnes is amazing, but she isn’t my mom. Mr. Barnes was amazing, but he wasn’t my dad. I’m alone. I’m all alone. I tried to keep back the urge to cry, but I couldn’t hold it. I felt my whole body rattle. My parents are gone. Both are gone. Bucky pulled me into a hug as best as he could with the one arm he had. He started kissing my neck. Not in a sexual way, but in a comforting way. It was like his was of letting me know he was here, and that he was sorry. 

“Don’t be sorry. You’ve been through far more than I have.” I mumbled into his chest. I was surprised he heard me. 

“Bullshit. You watched your mom suffer for weeks. Mine was instant. I can’t even remember losing my arm. We are both in deep shit.” He whispered into my neck. It felt nice to have him here, next to me. I felt safe with him. I wanted to stay here forever. 


	13. Kindergarten.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Bucky and Steve make their way up to the cabin for Thanksgiving (thanks Tony Stark). Steve tries to be there for Bucky during their drive up to the cabin.

** _Chapter 13 _ **

Mrs. Barnes barged into the room early that morning. Bucky was spooning me, and I was praying he wouldn’t move his arm any further down. 

“Up, boys. It’s 4 AM.” Mrs. Barnes said. Bucky groaned into my neck. 

“Maaa, I don’t wannaaa.” He complained. I elbowed him in the ribs. I needed to get him up before she kills him. “Fuck, S t e v e.” He groaned. Now I  _ really  _ hope he doesn’t move his hand down. Dear god, I need to go to the bathroom. 

“Seriously, get up. Both of you.” She said, walking out of the room. She made sure to leave the door open. 

“Bucky, get up. We have to start leaving. The car is already packed.” I told him. It was 4 AM and I didn’t want to deal with this. “You can sleep in the car, just  _ get up. _ ” 

“Ugh. Fine. You can use the bathroom first.” He said, sitting up to yawn. I sure was hell hoping he’d say that. I needed time to calm my body down. It was early in the morning, and I wasn’t ready for this. I really don’t want him to look at me stand up. I don’t want him to see me. I grabbed my jeans and a grey sweater. I’m not sure where I got this sweater, but it sure is comfortable. It might be one of Bucky’s old ones. The jeans I chose also hug me tighter than all my other ones. I guess they could be considered skinny jeans. I brushed my teeth, combed my hair, and got dressed. This wasn’t one of my best outfits, but I liked the way these jeans fit me best. Most of my jeans are skinny jeans, those are the only ones that can really fit me. I take a deep breath and walk out of the bathroom. I’m not sure my body can handle seeing Bucky shirtless again. Thankfully, I found Bucky with the sheets over his face, blocking his face from the light. I grabbed a pair of my socks and put on my shoes. Just a pair of plain white converse. Mine were high tops, I liked those best on my feet. I rolled up the bottom parts of my jeans. It was a strange fashion statement, but my jeans were always too long for me. I walked over to the left side of my bed, that’s the side Bucky slept on and I pulled the sheets up from over his head. His eyes snapped open and he looked at me. His eyes were so beautiful, they were steel blue. Plus it complemented his dark brown hair so well. 

“I’m not playing around. Get up.” I said as seriously as I could. He looked at me. He scanned me up and down until he eventually locked eyes with me again. It was so faint I could barely hear him, and if I wasn’t looking at him I wouldn’t have seen it or heard it. 

“I’m scared to get in the car.” He murmured. That was the first time I’d seen him like that. He had genuine fear in his eyes. 

“You’ll be okay. I promise.” I touched his left shoulder. He eased into my touch. I felt him swing his legs over the side of the bed. 

“I’m going to the bathroom. Can you grab the clothes off of my bed and hand them to me?” He asked. 

“Yeah, sure.” I handed them to him. 

**——————————————————**

“I’m going to the bathroom. Can you grab the clothes off of my bed and them to me?” I asked. 

“Yeah, sure.” Steve walked to the edge of my bed and grabbed my clothes. He handed them to me and I walked to the bathroom. I wish I could’ve told him how nice those jeans looked on him. My mind was too occupied on the fucking car wreck again. It’s like I can’t go one day without thinking about it. I just want to go one day. I grabbed my toothbrush and started brushing. I’m getting a good bit better at this stuff. It’s a lot easier to use my right hand for everyday tasks now. I was finally able to wash the egg pan yesterday, Steve looked proud. That’s a good thing to think about. Steve. He’s been so supportive. Even when I’d snap at him, he’d still love me. I still remember when his hand collided with my face. It stung a lot, physically and emotionally. I couldn’t sleep that night. I was up all night just staring at the ceiling. There were times when I’d start crying, but it was mostly just staring. I went downstairs to check on Steve. I noticed he didn’t walk down there with a blanket, so I grabbed mine and put it on top of him. I’m always hot when I’m sleeping, so I was fine sacrificing my blanket. I’d rather shiver than him. 

There’s always only two things on my mind, the car crash and Steve. Steve is a really good distraction from reality. When I stare at him, everything just disappears. Everything bad just goes out the window. I’m head over heels for him. I always have been. He makes me feel loved. He makes me feel special. My thoughts were interrupted when I realized I forgot that I grabbed a long sleeve shirt. I haven’t tried to put one of those on, and I’m sure I’d need a bit of help, however I can put on my jeans. They’re black distressed jeans. Nothing special. I had a mustard yellow sweater that I grabbed out of my drawer yesterday, but I can’t get it on myself. I tried, but the sleeves were flying everywhere. It was a complete mess. 

“Steve?” I said through the door. I don’t think he could hear me. I tried again, a little louder. 

“Steve?” This time he heard me. 

“Yeah?” 

“I need your help.” I hated asking for help, but I needed to get changed. I unlocked the door and opened it and Steve walked in. I’m still trying to get used to the one arm thing, so I still need help with some simple tasks. 

“I can’t get my sweater on.” I said. I sounded so miserable. He grabbed my sweater and motioned for me to come closer. He put it over my head while standing on the tip of his toes and I pulled my right arm through. He tied the left sleeve of my sweater into a knot so it wouldn’t dangle everywhere. 

“There you go. Anything else?” I questioned actually asking him this, but then I figured I probably should. I didn’t want my pants to fall down everywhere. These ones were a little looser in my waist. 

“Can you.” I stopped and sighed. God, this is embarrassing. “Can you do my belt?” Steve chuckled. 

“Yeah, I can do your belt.” He laced the black belt through the different loops of my pants. He pulled my hips closer to him so he could buckle it together. When he finished, his hand lingered on the belt. He let go as soon as he realized what he was doing. Part of me wanted him to keep going. I wanted him to continue. Another part of me knew that it was early, and Steve wasn’t thinking straight. 

I look in my closet and pulled out a pair of black combat boots. I felt like that would look the nicest with these jeans. These jeans hugged me in all the right places. 

“Do you need any help?” Steve asked. He’d been watching me, probably waiting for the moment when I asked him to tie my boots. That moment was now. 

“Yeah. I do.” He immediately came over and got on his right knee. He tied both of my shoes. 

“Tight enough?” He asked. I felt like a kid going to kindergarten. This sucked. 

“Yeah. Thanks, Dad.” I joked. This definitely felt like a father and son moment. Steve laughed. 

“Let’s go. Your mom’s waiting for us downstairs.” 

“Alright.” 

As soon as we approached the car I could feel myself freak out. I’m terrified. I’m scared to get into another accident. I realized that both Steve and my mom were waiting for me to enter the car. Steve offered me his hand. 

“You’ll be okay. I swear.” He said, softly. That was enough to lure me into the car. I sat behind the driver’s seat. The left side of the car. The side of the car where I lost my arm. The side of the car where I lost my dad. I felt myself starting to panic. I couldn’t focus on anything. I wanted to grab for Steve’s hand, but I couldn’t reach for him. I just sat there, staring at the ground. Steve put his hand on my thigh and started rubbing circles. It tickled me underneath the fabric of my jeans. Now this was something I could concentrate on. They were small circles, much like the ones I’d make on his back. They were slow and they’d linger. It was kind of putting me to sleep. Is this what it’s like for him when I do this? Because I could definitely get used to this. I leaned my head against the window and started to doze off. It’s much better this way. I won’t have to focus on all the cars. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you so much for reading! I really hope you enjoyed the chapter!


	14. Circles.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Steve, Bucky, and Winnifred are still driving on their little adventure to the cabin, and are completely surprised and exhausted when they get there.

** _Chapter 14 _ **

“Well thank god that worked.” I said aloud. Mrs. Barnes laughed. “I didn’t think he’d ever stop hyperventilating. That would’ve been an awful four hours for him.” 

“Tell me about it. I don’t think he ever would’ve calmed down if it weren’t for you. You help him a lot.” She said. I blushed at that comment. 

“Well I owe him. He’s always been there for me, even since we were young.” 

“You both have always been there for each other. You are a good set of kids.” 

“Thank you.” I smiled. Even though I wasn’t trying to put Bucky to sleep, my hand was still on his thigh. Quite frankly, I don’t feel the need to move it. It’s now been about two hours since we got in the car. That means only two more hours on the road. I just need him to be asleep for two more hours. As was watching him I noticed that he was cold, so I grabbed the blanket from out of my bag. One of our bags had to go on the floor in the back by us, so I chose mine to go there. I put the blanket from my bag on him. I thought it would be weird if I put my hand back on his thigh, so I just pulled my hand back to myself. I crossed my legs and leaned my head against my window in an attempt to fall asleep. I shut my eyes and listened to the cars whirring past. There weren’t too many on the road. Mrs. Barnes explained that she chose to leave so early because it would be easier on Bucky. She was right. If she would’ve went later it would’ve been awful. I set my head there for about an hour, until I felt a hand ripping my left leg away from the other. I didn’t open my eyes, but I felt his hand move up and down the inside of my leg. From the way it seemed, Bucky was awake and he just wanted to distract himself. I guess the blanket wasn’t doing a good enough job, however this is doing a great job for me. It feels nice, too nice. I’m trying to restrain any sign of pleasure from appearing on my face. There wasn’t really much thigh to hold, but goddamn there was enough. How does this keep turning into the “Bucky is making me go crazy” show. My hormones really need to turn it down because it’s getting to be too much. My mom kept my hormones in check, and now my hormones are definitely not in check. God, I could stay like this all day. I don’t even want to get out of the car now. I took a deep breath and sighed. Bucky knew exactly what I meant. He kept doing that the whole ride to the cabin. It’s probably the best car ride I’ve ever had. 

“Alright! We’re here!” Mrs. Barnes exclaimed. Bucky, sadly, let go off his grip on my thigh. I looked up and I was blown away. 

“Woah.” Bucky and I said in unison. That one cabin is like three of our apartments. It’s huge. I wouldn’t expect anything less from the Stark family. Buck and I immediately opened the car doors and grabbed the stuff from inside the car. We wanted to get in there as quick as possible. We both wanted to see what the inside looked like. As we walked in we were even more surprised. It was beautiful. Mrs. Barnes would be sleeping on the second story and we would be sleeping on the left. My room is on the left side of the hall and his is on the right. Even the beds were huge. They looked as if they were a king. I’ve never even been on a king sized bed before. The biggest I’d seen was a queen sized bed and that was Bucky’s bed. I’m not sure what size bed Mrs. Barnes has but it’s probably nothing compared to this. However, I feel like the bed will be insanely empty. I’m so unbelievably small and the bed is so unbelievably large. I wish I was able to share the room with Bucky. This room has its on bathroom and everything. The shower is huge and the bathtub is even larger. I wonder what it would be like if I took a bath with- 

“Steve. Shut up.” I thought in my head. He’s really ruining my pure virgin brain. I started to yawn. It’s only 9:00 AM and I’m completely worn out. I didn’t sleep in the car, I just shut my eyes. Yesterday Mrs. Barnes said we could take a nap when we get there, and I might take her up on that offer. I walked out of my room and down the hall into the kitchen. The kitchen was phenomenal. It was absolutely humongous. 

“Need any help?” I asked. The Starks had already completely loaded the kitchen for us when we got there. I had to remember to thank Tony when I see him in person. I feel like a thank you text wouldn’t be as sentimental. 

“No sir. I’ve got it all under control.” She said. She seemed grateful for the offer. 

“Would you mind if I took a nap? I’m completely beat.” I asked. It felt rude to fall asleep without offering help first. Apparently Bucky didn’t agree, because I heard him snoring from my room. 

“You don’t have to ask, Steve. You’re always welcome to do what you like.” She smiled and said. She’s such a sweet woman. 

“Thank you, Mrs. Barnes.” I turned around and walked back to my room. Bucky left his room door cracked open a little bit, that’s why it was so easy to hear him snore. I smiled as I walked past his door. His little snore is so cute. I took off my sweater and crawled into the large bed. I felt like I would be too warm with the sweater on. Now I get why Bucky sleeps with his shirt off. It’s much cooler that way. After staring at my ceiling for a while I dozed off in my sleep. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry this chapter is so short! The chapters will get a bit longer with time! Thank you so much for reading! ❤️


	15. Screaming.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Today’s Steve and Bucky’s first day at the cabin, and it certainly is eventful!

** _Chapter 15_ **

Screaming came from across the hall. It was a bloodcurdling scream. The scream was my name. 

“Steve! Steve!” Was all I needed to hear before I jumped out of bed, whipped my door open, and sprinted across the hall. I shouldn’t be running so fast with my asthma, but I wasn’t thinking. Apparently Winnifred wasn’t thinking either, because she ran from the kitchen with a knife in her right hand. She must have been cooking. We both ripped open the rest of Bucky’s door. He was sitting up in his bed, breathing hard. If you asked the wrong person, they’d probably think he was a madman. He looked like ass. His breathing was heavy. I hopped in the bed next to him. I wrapped my arms around him. It was kind of my natural instinct. I felt him move his arm around my waist. He was sweating buckets. 

“Are you okay, honey?” Mrs. Barnes asked. 

“Just has a really bad dream. That’s all.” He pulled his fake smile. I knew it wasn’t genuine, just a face that he puts on to please people. 

“I’m going to finish cooking lunch. I love you.” She said to Bucky. “I love you too, Steve.” I was shocked she said that to me. 

“I love you, too.” Bucky and I said at the same time. She leaned over the bed and kissed both of us on the forehead. It reminded me of my mom. She walked and closed the door behind her. I unwrapped my arms from Bucky’s side and sat in his lap. I didn’t want to do anything, I just wanted to look him in the face. I wiped his hair off of his forehead. It was sticking because of the sweat. 

“You were screaming my name. What happened?” I couldn’t help but he concerned. It was my name that he was screaming. 

“I don’t remember much, but I lost you in the dream. I fucking lost you, Stevie.” His voice was still shaking. It’s selfish of me, but I wish everything was back to the way it was. Just two happy boys hanging out together. Feeling unstoppable. 

“I’m right here. You can’t lose me. You won’t lose me. I promise.” I said. Just then, he pulled me into a kiss. He wouldn’t stop, and I didn’t want to pull away either. 

“Holy fuck, are we making out?” I asked myself. I’ve never done this sort of thing, and I might piss myself. It felt nice, so insanely nice. Was it selfish to do this when he was just crying? He was the one who started it, so it must be okay. We both parted so we could catch our breath. I don’t think an asthmatic should go too long without breathing. 

“Fuck.” I muttered, my breath flowing outwards with the words. 

“You like that?” He chuckled. 

“Yeah!” I squeaked. I definitely sounded too excited. 

“You want to do it again?” 

That’s basically what we did until about 12:00. We did it up until his mom called us out for lunch. My lips felt insanely sore, and I knew my hair was a mess. He kept running his fingers through it the whole time we were kissing. His hair didn’t look any better, considering I hate two hands which was twice the fingers running through it. I was surprised she didn't hear the intense smacking of our lips crashing together. That also may have been the most unattractive way to describe making out. I don’t want to describe what happened, but there’s probably going to be a good bit of marks on me. I didn’t realize that Bucky would bite. It was kind of painful, but I didn’t mind. Whatever got his mind off the accident was fine by me. All through lunch he was watching me eat lunch. It actually made me a bit self conscious. The last time someone watched me eat it was my nutritionist, and that’s because she wanted to see if I was healthy or not. She determined I was indeed not. I’m pretty sure watching me eat roasted potatoes wasn’t interesting, but Bucky stared at me like I was on the table dancing. He finally turned away to eat his own food. Bucky was lucky I didn’t do the same thing he did to me to him. He’s still able to have his shirt on, and I’m wearing Bucky’s three sizes too large mustard yellow sweater. 

“So, what do you boys want to do tomorrow?” Mrs. Barnes said. She was obviously trying to make small talk. 

“I found some UNO cards in a drawer in my room. We could play that tomorrow. I’m sure there are more games around here!” I exclaimed. I loved playing board games. However, I especially loved playing UNO. 

“That would be fun!” Mrs. Barnes clapped her hands and bounced in her seat like a four year old. It was adorable. 

“You guys are such losers.” Bucky giggled. I haven’t heard him laugh like that in a while. Mrs. Barnes was just as shocked. He hasn’t giggled since I first asked him out. “You two both look like you are going to crawl over the table and kiss me, and I’m actually quite scared.” 

“Well, I think you and Steve have had enough kissing for today.” Mrs. Barnes wore the classic Barnes grin on her face. The sweater must have slipped down and revealed a bit of my collarbone. 

“I- ma’am I-“ I fell all over my words. She pushed out her chair to rinse off her plate. 

“What can I say? Boys will be boys.” She said, adding a wink at the end. I felt the heat rise to my cheeks, and Bucky laugh from beside me. “Just don’t do anything stupid. I’ll be upstairs in my room.” She patted my shoulder on her way up to the staircase. Bucky pushed out his chair, grabbed my plate and stacked it on top of his, and brought them to the sink. He rinsed them off and loaded it into the dishwasher. Even the dishwasher was elegant and sleek. Bucky then walked to the adjacent side of the island and leaned his body over it. Just enough to stare at me directly in the eyes. 

“You want to do something stupid?” 


	16. Natasha.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Today is Natasha’s birthday!///Steve gets a little spicy and sentimental, and Steve and the Barnes celebrate Thanksgiving together!

** _Chapter 16_ **

I woke up with the worst headache. I turned to look at the clock. It read 6:45 AM. I leaned over to my side of the nightstand and opened my phone. Today was the 22nd, which meant it’s Nat’s birthday. 

**[Steve 6:45 AM] Happy birthday, Nat. I love you so so much! I hope you have the best birthday ever! Love you tons, and expect a lot of hugs and kisses when I get back! <3 **

She’s always up early, so I know she’d see that text almost immediately. 

**[Black Widow 6:47 AM] Don’t make me blush, Rogers. I love you too. I can’t wait to see you once you get back. You have to tell me everything that happens. Also, Bucky beat you to the happy birthday text ;) **

**[Steve 6:47 AM] Really? What time? **

**[Black Widow 6:48 AM] 3:21. Try harder next time, Rogers. **

**[Steve 6:48 AM] I definitely will. Have a great day, Natasha. Love you. **

**[Black Widow 6:48 AM] Love you more. **

**[Steve 6:48 AM] Love you most. **

**[Black Widow 6:48 AM] Impossible. Now get back to smooching on your boyfriend. **

**[Steve 6:48 AM] Yes ma’am. **

I thought about how she got the nickname “Black Widow”. We went to a zoo, and we went by the spider display. She immediately gushed over them. She loved spiders. She told us that black widows were her favorite. Tony immediately asked why, and she said 

“They’ll kill you the fastest!” With the sweetest smile on her face. That’s when we knew we would fuck with her. Clint called her “the crazy Russian” for a whole year. It was awful. I put my phone back down on the nightstand and turned back to face Bucky. He looked so beautiful when he slept. Nothing happened last night, I already told him I wasn’t comfortable with that stuff yet. He agreed that it was fine, and that we were too young. So really, we just wound up making out the whole night. That’s really what all teenage couples do anyways. Just ask Pepper and Tony. They’d definitely confirm that. I squeezed myself under his right arm. I wanted to get close enough to wrap my arms around his waist. I can’t wrap my hands around him with his arm in the way. My arms wouldn’t be able to touch. He has muscles on muscles, so I couldn’t even get past his chest with his arm blocking. Luckily he was somewhat conscious and moved his arm up in order for me to slide under it. 

“You’re cold.” Buck sleepily whispered. 

“I’m anemic, babe. I’m going to be cold.” I chuckled. With that, he just shoved me into his chest to get me to shut up. He was obviously still tired. I looked at his neck to see the damage I had done to it. 

“Well you certainly can’t hide that under a sweater.” I said to myself. I couldn’t imagine I was any better. For Bucky always thinking I was a delicate flower during the day, passionate Bucky is a totally different story. I’m going to have marks on me for weeks. It takes a long time for my bruises to go away. It definitely is worth it though. Last night was phenomenal. I made a mental note to keep track of it in my journal once I get back to my room. I didn’t want to forget it, not that I think I could. I ran my fingers through his hair. I’ve wanted it to be like this for as long as I could remember. Except for that one time I had a crush on Sharon Carter. I’m not sure if that was actually a crush, or I was just pushing down my gay thoughts. The homosexual agenda was a very foreign thing for me back then. Still, she’s nothing compared to Bucky. My heart belongs to him, forever and always. Till the end of the line. Bucky was starting to stir awake. I was hoping me scratching his head wasn’t waking him up. I pulled my hand away. 

“You better put that hand back, Rogers.” He groaned. His fucking voice when he wakes up always gets me. 

“Say my name like that again.” I plead. 

“Hand.” This immediately earned him a slap on the back. “Ow, that’s not how you treat the disabled.” 

“You aren’t doing a good job of acting disabled.” 

“I don’t have an arm, Steve.” 

“Lose the other one, then we will talk.” This time I got a slap on the back. 

“You hit a lot harder than I do, Buck.” I’m not going to lie, that was probably going to leave a mark on my back. It stung a good bit. 

“Does it hurt?” He whispered. He ran his hand over where he hit me. God, why did his touch have to be so addictive. 

“Stings a little.” I whispered back. I could feel his lower self getting excited. I then decided it was time for me to get out of the bed, and start doing my daily rituals. I didn’t want to hear what he was doing in the room over, so I turned the water on. I wanted to mute the sound. I walked back out of the room to Bucky fixing himself up. He was probably waiting for the water to stop running. He figured it was for him, not me. 

“Thanks.” Bucky mumbled. 

“For what?” I asked. Of course I knew what I did, but I always like making people say it out loud. 

“The water, dipshit. Thanks for running the water.” He elbows me. It kind of hurts again, but I don’t mind. 

“I didn’t want to intrude. It felt wrong if I listened.” 

“Why? You were worried you were gonna get a little too excited from it?” He teased. I decided to really test the waters. I slid both my hands up his thighs, and to his waist. With my left hand I bent his head down to get it down to my level. 

“I don’t have to hear you to get excited, babe. Seeing you is enough.” I growled into his ear. I heard his breath hitch. I let go of his neck, and he pulled himself back together. He stared at me like I had three heads. 

“I think I’m going to run the water again. No specific reason. I’ll meet you downstairs. Love you.” Just like that, he rushed to the bathroom. I laughed to myself and slipped on Bucky’s yellow sweater, and put my jeans back on. I took them off to sleep last night. All of my clothes are in my own room, but it seems like Bucky and I are going to just share this room. The beds were huge, but I still slept close to him. I walked down the staircase and headed straight for the kitchen. 

“You sleep well last night?” Mrs. Barnes asked me. She was in the middle of making cinnamon rolls. The Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade was playing the background. 

“Yes ma’am. How about you?” I asked. I always tried to have good manners. 

“I slept well. Try and be a little bit quieter next time, okay?” She smiled. At first I was confused, but then I realized she did hear us. 

“I swear I-I didn’t do anything last night like that. Nothing of the sort, ma’am.” I was sweating. My face was burning up. 

“I know, it was just a little loud. Maybe I should have a talk with you boys together?” She teased. 

“I don’t think you need that, I’ll get him under control, I swear.” I nervously laughed. 

“You always do, Steve.” Her smile was beautiful. It still looked youthful, despite her aging. She was still a gorgeous woman. She deserved the world. She wiped my hair out of my eyes. I’m glad to have her in my life. 

“Thank you for everything, Winnie.” I said. “I think that’s what I’m thankful for this year. You made me feel motherly love again, and that’s the best gift I’ve ever been given.” I felt the tears form in my eyes. Her eyes were almost identical, the tears forming at the edges. 

“I love you, kid. Like my own son. Always have, always will.” She pulled me into her chest. We both were around the same height, so the hug wasn’t awkward. I pulled her closer. She smelled like honey, and it reminded me of my mom. My mom always smelled more like cherries, but this smell is just as soothing. 

“A hug party? And I wasn’t even invited? That’s just straight up cold.” Bucky threw himself into the hug. I felt genuinely happy for the first time in a while. I had a family. 


	17. Twig arms.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Steve gets in his first fight with Bucky, Winnifred isn’t okay, and Steve accepts death with open arms.

** _Chapter 17 _ **

We spent the rest of Thanksgiving playing UNO and watching  _ The Princess Diaries,  _ or at least Winnie and I stayed up watching it. Bucky passed out on the sofa. The rest of the week completely blew by. It was crazy how fast it came and went. Now we were on our way back home, leaving behind some of the best memories of our life. I left Tony a post it note on the nightstand in my own room. It was just a simple thank you. Of course I would tell him in person, but I thought the note was a cute idea. The car ride home was just as similar as the car ride there. We left at 4:00 in the morning, and I held onto Bucky until he fell asleep. Except this time I didn’t fall asleep, and I just waited till we got home to sleep. I went into our room, unpacked my bag, and passed out on my bed. I felt Bucky pull the sheets over me. I must’ve completely forgotten. The rest of the day went by in a blur, too. Tomorrow we had school again, which I really wasn’t looking forward to. I didn’t want to do a bunch of work, but I guess we have to if we want to graduate. I already turned in all my makeup work the previous Monday to their respective teachers before I checked out of school. This also reminded me that Bucky had a therapy appointment after school. I’d like to go, but I felt that Bucky didn’t want me there so I didn’t ask. I already ate lunch and I don’t really care about dinner, so I asked Bucky to just let me sleep and not wake me up. I was completely worn out. So, he didn’t wake me up like he promised. I woke up at 3:40 AM, walked downstairs to get some water, then went right back upstairs and went right back to sleep. I was just hoping tomorrow would be a great day. 

**——————————————————**

** _11/26/2001_ **

_ Well today was an entire shitshow. For starters, I got a C minus on my Because of Winn-Dixie annotations, because they weren’t detailed enough. Then, Rumlow decided to start making fun of my weight and push me into a locker. It was only us in the locker room, so I couldn’t stop him. I just let him continue insulting me until someone else walked in. He wanted to keep his reputation, so he put me down. Bucky still hasn’t gotten back, so I’m already expecting it to be bad.  _

I heard the front door unlocking, so I shoved my journal in my book bag, and pulled out my science textbook. Mrs. Winnifred always wants us on the couch if only one of us are home alone, so I obeyed the rules. I started to ask Bucky how it went, but he completely blew past the door, up the stairs, and into the room. He slammed the door. I looked back over at Mrs. Barnes. She was rubbing her temple with her fingers. She looked exhausted. In fact, she looked like she wanted to pass out. I went over to her and took her by the arm and led her to the sofa. I went into the kitchen, fixed her a glass of water, and gave it to her. She looked seriously dehydrated. 

“What’s wrong?” I asked. Clearly a lot was wrong by the look on her face. 

“He broke the arm. He got angry, tossed it on the floor, and some parts broke. I just have to get it repaired. For $250. It’s $250 I don’t have.” She started rubbing her temples harder. I walked into the medicine cabinet and walked back to the couch to hand her two Aleve. She gladly accepted it and swigged it down with her water. 

“I’ll pay for it. My mom left me a good chunk of money.” I told her. I was hoping this would reassure her. 

“I can't accept that. You still need to pay for college, honey. You can't keep spending your money on my problems. It isn’t fair to you.” She said. 

“Your problems are my problems. My money is your money. I live under your roof, not the opposite way around. Besides, with my grades I’ll probably get a scholarship anyways.” I smiled at her. I wanted her to know I’m here for her. “There’s no fighting this, ma’am. I’m giving you the money. End of story.” 

“What did I do to deserve you, Steve.” She asked. 

“Well, my mom died and she put your name in the will to take care of me, ma’am.” I answered, honestly. She snorted and ruffled my hair. 

“You’re a good kid. He’s lucky. Your mom would be proud of you.” She smiled at me. 

After sitting on the sofa for a while, I figured I should probably go upstairs and check on Bucky. He’s been up there for a while, and I wanted to see what’s wrong. 

I immediately got a pillow chucked at my head as I entered the room. His eyes looked angry, furious even. He wasn’t mad at anyone in particular. Just angry at the first person he would see, it just turns out that first person is me. This immediately brought me back to our other fights. The physical fights we’d have when we were younger. It’s normal for us to fist fight and roughhouse. We’re boyfriends, but we are also best friends. We’ve grown up doing this our whole life. 

“Piss off.” He growled. I tossed the pillow right back at him. He caught it with his hand. 

“Why?” I asked. 

“Because I said so.” 

“Now give me a good reason.” 

“That reason was good enough.” He tossed the pillow back at my face. This time I couldn’t catch it in time, and it hit me square in the nose. I mean, it’s a pillow so it didn’t hurt, but it was still annoying. 

“Why did you break the arm?” I asked him. 

“Why do you fucking care? It’s none of your goddamn business.” He glared at me. To anyone else his stare would be intimidating, but quite frankly I didn’t give a fuck. 

“It  _ is  _ my goddamn business! Why did you do it?” I asked again. I wanted an answer. I wanted to help him. I’m trying to keep my cool as best as I can. 

“Fuck off, Steven. I don’t need your pity.” He continued to glare at me. 

“Good, I’m not offering you my pity. I don’t have any pity to give you, considering I’m wallowing in my own.” I joked. He probably wouldn’t find it funny, but I just wanted it to seem like it wasn’t bothering me. 

“Don’t you ever know when to leave me the fuck alone. Get out of my ass.” Boom another pillow. This time it hit a picture frame. It was a picture of Bucky and his dad in front of his grandparent’s boat. Bucky realized what picture it collided with. “You’ve got to be fucking kidding me. You couldn’t fucking catch the pillow?” He raised his voice. Somehow he was blaming me for it. 

“Seriously? You threw the pillow at me!” I raised my voice to accommodate to his. 

“It’s not my fucking fault your twig arms are too weak to catch it!” I froze. He knows how much I’ve always hated that name.  _ Twig arms.  _ That’s what Brock Rumlow would call me before he’d beat me up. Those words are an immediate trigger of mine. 

“Oh yeah, twig arms? At least I have two fucking arms!” Bucky immediately stood up at this comment. He came up right in front of me to size me up. 

“What the  _ fuck  _ did you just say?” I wasn’t backing down. If he wanted to use me as his personal punching bag, I didn’t care. We’ve done this thirty times before. Have we ever done this since we started dating? No. But this is a lot different than other relationships. We’ve physically fought each other thousands of times. It’s what we’ve always done.

“You heard what the fuck I said. You want me to repeat myself?” I growled. Now he’s pissed me off. 

“Yeah, repeat yourself  _ twig arms.  _ I’ll fucking beat you to pieces with only one arm.” Sometimes I think we forget that we are dating. This very much isn’t right, but like I said before. It’s what we know. 

“At least. I have. Two. Fucking. Arms.” I said, annunciating each word as clearly as I could. There it came, the first swing. It knocked me into the wall. I grabbed him by his left shoulder, pulled him down, and slapped him in the face. He pulled me around by my hair, and punched me in the gut. I evened it out again by now grabbing him by his hair, and kicking him straight where it hurt. He doubled over in pain. This gave me my chance to talk. 

“Beat me with one fucking arm, Bucky. See if I care. If you want to use me as your own personal punching bag then so be it, but don’t expect me to keep fucking paying for that metal arm of yours. It could go to hell. It’s not like it’s mine anyways. In fact, you could go to hell.” He stood up and pushed me up against the wall. He held me above to his height, which is 5’9. 

“Fuck you, asshole.” He dropped me, and I fell to the ground, wheezing. I was holding back the coughs. I took my inhaler out of my pocket and puffed it a couple times. Bucky was on his bed cooling off. It reminded me of old times. Times when he’d have both of his arms. I didn’t dare stand up right now, I didn’t want to stumble and fall over. I leaned my back against the wall, put my head back, and closed my eyes, taking deep breaths. That’s all you could hear in the room. My wheezing and the breathing. 

“You alright?” Bucky asked, his hand covering the majority of his face. I wasn’t sure how to answer that. “Yeah I’m great. We both just beat each other up! Just like old times! Super great!” 

“Considering I’m struggling to breathe and my boyfriend just made fun of my weight, no. But how considerate of you to ask after beating my ass.” I snapped. I felt cold and bitter. I felt disgusted. Not towards Bucky, just his behavior. This is the first time he’s lashed out this bad. Last time it was me, but I barely even hit him. This is different, he’s way larger than me. He made  _ fun  _ of me. He brought up the one thing that made me uncomfortable. 

“I’m really sorry.” He said. I’m not letting him off so easily. 

“Sorry doesn’t cut it this time, buddy. Thanks for pulling a Brock Rumlow. Really helps my confidence.” I said bitterly. 

“You think what you said helps me? Thanks for reminding me about the fact that I only have one arm.” He snapped. 

“Oh are you seriously trying to go again? You brought up my fucking twig arms before everything else. You know, the twig arms I’ve been self conscious about since I was five years old. The body I’ve wanted to grow out of since I was 12. I’d rather have one of your arms than two of mine. They’re disgusting. They disgust me every time I get undressed in the mirror, so thanks for reminding me.” I really was going hard with the whole bitter thing. The air felt cold. I was beyond pissed. 

“You know I didn’t mean what I said. It was the first insult I could think of.” Bucky explained. That was a lame excuse. 

“I’m glad you got inspiration from Brock. Speaking of him, let’s talk about what he did to me in the locker room today! He took me by the chest and called me twig arms. He dropped me to the ground once everyone else walked in. I wonder who that fucking reminds me of. Oh wait. I’m in the same fucking room as him.” I was staring daggers at him. “Do you only use me to get horny or something? You want me as a pitiful excuse to fucking get off at night? Is that fucking it. Because you can use me as that, but you aren’t going to sit here and insult me all the time.” This was one of the first times I sounded so serious. I meant what I said. 

“I don’t use you as a way to get horny, Steve. I love you, I really do. Everything is just rough and I keep taking it out on the first person I see.” He stared at the ceiling. His voice was shaking. 

“Then stop doing this. It hurts. I just want to help you.” Now it was my turn for my voice to crack. 

“I know, I’m sorry. I really am. I’m just sick of feeling like a burden.” 

“You aren’t a burden. I’m not sure how many times I’ll have to say it.” I said. 

“I’m sorry.” 

“Just shut up, and let’s not talk about this anymore. I’m not in the mood.” I finally stood up and walked out the door. 

**——————————————————**

Bucky and I fell asleep in our own beds. It was strange not sleeping with him next to me. I knew he wasn’t asleep, so I asked him the question of the evening. 

“Buck?” I called out. 

“Yeah?” He answered. 

“Do you actually hate my arms?” I asked. I slept with my sweater on. It completely damaged my self esteem. 

“Does it seem like I hate your arms. You’ve seen what you do to me. I don’t hate anything about you.” His voice echoed into the dark. He has a point. “Go to sleep, Steve. We have school in the morning.” I shut my eyes. That’s when the dream started. Bucky. Just me and Bucky. I’ve never had these types of dreams. It was the two of us together doing god knows what, but having a great time while doing so. Dear god, this dream is so great I wish it would never end. That’s when I woke up. This may be one of the most uncomfortable and disturbing parts of my whole life. The sheets were wet, fucking wet. I was dripping in cold sweat. There was no way Bucky was asleep through this. He was probably doing the best to keep me calm, but I was full on panicking. 

“Fuck, fuck, fuck! Shit! Damn it!” They were spilling out, word after word. I was freaking out now. I was quite literally disgusted. Bucky got up out of his bed, and walked to my dresser. He grabbed me a pair of underwear and threw it at me.

“Get changed. I’ll deal with this.” He looked so tired. It made me wonder how often he sleeps, and how often he lies awake with his eyes open. 

“I- I can deal with it. It’s fine, really. You don’t have to help.” I mumbled. I felt awful, especially after tonight’s events. 

“Just get the fuck up, Rogers.” I stood up and Bucky turned and faced the wall. It was nice that he didn’t turn around. It took me about three minutes to wash myself up and change. I came out of the room and found that my bed was stripped. I reached into my last drawer and found the closest thing I had to a pair of extra sheets. It was really just an extra comforter. It had to make due for now. I seriously hate being a teenage boy. I hate when this shit happens, especially since I don’t have my own room. Bucky walked back into the room. 

“It’s in the washer.” He said. He immediately went to the bathroom to wash his hands, and then came back out. 

“Thanks. You didn’t have to do that.” I responded. 

“I know I didn’t have to. I wanted to.” He gave me a small half smile. I just wanted to crawl into a hole and die. This was one of the most embarrassing things to happen. I flopped over on the now bare mattress. It wasn’t very comfortable without the sheets, but it’s good for now. I quickly dozed back off into sleep. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

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> 
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	18. Hickies?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Rhodey makes fun of Steve, Steve lies to his friends, and Pietro thinks Steve looks like shit.

** _Chapter 18 _ **

“You’re  _ kidding  _ me. That actually happened to you?” Rhodey said. He was stifling a laugh. Once I told him it was okay to laugh, he finally let it out. We sit in the back of English class and Rhodey is a lot better at whispering than Sam is, so it’s easy to talk to him in class. Plus, I never have to pay attention in class. I easily can pass. 

“Dude, it was awful. I wanted to die.” I smacked my head on my desk. 

“Well yeah, I bet so. If I was in your position I probably  _ would  _ die.” Rhodey said. 

“It was so awkward. I was praying he was asleep, but then he got up. I wish the asthma would just kill me.” Rhodey scoffed at this statement. 

“I’m sorry, Steve. That actually sucks.” Rhodey put a soothing hand on my back. 

“This morning was insanely uncomfortable. We didn't even look at each other. It didn’t help we had a fight right before the  _ event. _ ” I said. 

“Yeah I wasn’t gonna bring it up, but that’s a nasty bruise on your jaw. Did he notice that?” Rhodey asked. There was a tinge of aggression in his voice. He doesn’t like when people get hurt, so he’s probably a little pissed at the both of us. 

“No. I kept turning away from him. Luckily it was on the right side and he’s always on the left of me.” I told him. Rhodey nodded his head. 

“I just hope he gets out of his funk. Losing the arm sucks, but it’s not gonna fix anything now.” Rhodey said. 

“I’ve said that a million times now, buddy. Maybe you could tell him that, too?” I asked. He really just needs someone else to put that in his head. 

“Oh I definitely will. Government class is going to be absolute hell for him.” I laughed at this. Once Rhodey wants to do something, it doesn’t leave his mind. “I could probably get Clint in on it too. Like some type of intervention.” I shook my head no at this. 

“If it’s going to be an intervention, then I want to be there, too. Less of a chance he’d beat your ass.” I said. I know how upset he gets when he’s the center of attention. 

“That’s true. You see him next hour, huh?” I shook my head yes. 

“Yeah. I don’t think I’m going to be able to hide the bruise anymore. That also means that Thor, Bruce, Tony, and Clint will start asking about it.” 

“Just tell em it’s a hickey. That’ll shut em up real quick.” I audibly laughed at that. 

“Maybe I’ll try that.” 

The bell then rang for us to go to class, and Rhodey and I went our separate ways. However as I was walking down the hall, an arm tapped my shoulder. I immediately whipped around. 

“Sorry, probably should’ve said something!” It was just Wanda, thank god. “I’m going to the computer lab, the one right by the gym. I figured we could walk together!” She beamed. She was so adorable, like a little puppy. 

“Yeah, that sounds good!” I smiled back at her. We made small talk all the way there. My English class isn’t too far from the gym, but we definitely took our time. 

“Oh hey, while we’re walking I wanted to tell you this. Check on Buck for me? He seemed a little down and I thought you could cheer him up!” She exclaimed. 

“If only you knew the half of it.” I thought to myself. Instead I just said, “Yeah, yeah I can do that.” And put on my fakest smile. We then parted ways and I walked into the double doors of the gym, and then the locker room. I was a bit nervous, I can’t hide the bruise on my face anymore. I walked in. 

“ _ Damn _ , you look like straight ass. Pietro wasn’t kidding.” Bruce said as I walked into the locker room. 

“Thanks for the compliment. Where’s Buck?” I asked. 

“Talking to coach. Wants to know if he can still do track with one arm.” Bruce explained. I wanted to correct him and say cross country, but I didn’t have the energy. 

“I told him that he has fucking legs, so why couldn’t he.” Tony blurted out. That gave Thor, Bruce, and I a good laugh. 

“Sup, fuckers.” Clint said, tossing his bag down. 

“Love that greeting, gonna use that more often.” Tony said. He’s always such a smartass. I turned my face to the right side to grab my gym shirt, and that’s when they saw it. That also happened to be when Bucky walked in. Immediately they did what I thought they would, they kept asking questions. 

“What happened?”, “What’s wrong?”, “Are you okay?”, “Who beat your ass?” 

Bucky stood in the corner watching them. He was just staring. So then, I did exactly what Rhodey told me to shut them up. 

“Yep! I’m fine! Just a hickey!” This caused Tony to immediately choke on his spit. 

“Oh Jesus fuck, Rogers. Keep it PG.” Tony groaned. 

Clint gave me a look of understanding. Without even telling him, he knew. 

“Well, thanks for advertising that. Bucky, keep your mouth  _ off  _ of him.” Bruce said. Bucky pulled his shirt off to put his gym shirt on. Under that, was just a bunch of muffled noise. That was his response to Bruce’s statement. Bucky got out of the locker room as soon as possible. 

“Alright fucker, now tell us what really happened.” Tony said to me. I explained it to them, including the parts where I slapped the piss out of Bucky. I also explained how we were always like this. Roughhousing to get our points across. Being boyfriends doesn’t change that for us. We all agreed to talk to Bucky together. Friday night we are all going to Tony’s and talking to him. It’s strange how all major events happen at Tony’s house. We walked out of the locker room and Bucky is still talking to coach. I think they are trying to figure out what to do for the whole cross country situation. Bucky was the fastest on the male team, so they should still want him on. Unless they’re embarrassed by his arm. 

We did our normal warmups before we went outside to run. As soon as they blew the whistle, Bucky was off. Normally he waits for Clint, but he didn’t this time. He would always run when he was frustrated, so I guess he wanted to start back at it again. Bucky lapped me about three times. Tony stayed behind with me, he wasn’t really a big fan of running. Thor and Clint ran together, with Bruce close behind. Tony and I didn’t really talk to much, until Tony told me that Bucky just finished. He finished his mile in five minutes. 

“Is that even humanly possible?” I asked, surprised. 

“Guess so, but then again is Bucky human?” I punched Tony in the arm for that one. “I’m kidding! Just kidding!” He laughed. I felt my breath hitching and I knew I overexerted myself. I stop talking for a second and cough. In fact, I coughed a lot. I coughed so much that it physically hurts my chest. “Hey, hey. Rogers, you okay?” Tony had a tinge of panic in his voice. He’s never really been with me during one of my asthma attacks. “Do you have your inhaler?” I felt in my pockets, and realized I didn’t have it. “Damn. It.” I said in between wheezes. Tony exchanged glances with Bucky from across the field and Bucky realized what was going on. Tony sat me down on the side of the track, and attempted to calm me down. At this point, all eyes were on me, and Clint, Thor, and Bruce were over here. 

“Jesus fuck Bruce, move your big ass.” I heard Bucky say. It was quite the entrance. He leaned over Tony and handed me my inhaler. I puffed it in a couple times to stabilize my breathing. After a good minute I was able to breathe again. Coach walked over to check on me to see if I was okay, to which I said yes. Every single time I get to the second lap this happens. It’s like my body can’t handle it. Since Bucky was done with his laps, Coach let him walk me to the gym and stay with me. 

“Thanks.” I mumbled. 

“Don’t worry about it.” He said. He was standing on my right side, which is a large change from him standing on my left. Something tells me he did this because he wanted to see the bruise on my face. 

“Are we cool? Is everything okay now? I’m not mad at you.” I told him. I just wanted him to know I’m over it. 

“Yeah. We’re fine. It’s okay.” He responded. “Does the bruise hurt?” He asked. 

“Only to the touch. My jaw is a little sore, but it’s fine. I deserved it.” I said. “How are you?” I asked. 

“I’m good. You were holding back.” He said. He wasn’t wrong, I was holding back. If I really wanted to hurt him I would’ve. I really just didn’t want to. 

“I’m sorry about what I said.” I told him. 

“I deserved it, I called you twig arms. I know how much you hate that name. I used it to get into your head.” He explained. It was only us in the gym, so our voices were echoing. 

“I think we both deserved it.” 

“Yeah, you’re right.” He said. We sat there for a little bit. We were looking at the ceiling. 

“Why me?” I blurted out. 

“What do you mean?” He looked at me and tilted his head. 

“Why do you choose to fight me?” He sat there for a second, thinking. 

“If I’m being honest, I don’t know. I honestly have no idea. It’s nothing against you, it’s just that you are the first person I see.” I understood what he was saying. I would behave the same way with him when my mom died. 

“I understand. It’s like when my mom died and I’d go off on you.” 

“Yeah, I guess so.” He sighed. I leaned my head onto his shoulder. He was on my right side, so I couldn’t get his arm, just the shoulder. 

“I love you, James.” He moved closer to me so I could lean more comfortably on him. 

“I love you too, Steven.” 

Students started filing into the gym. I’m guessing that everyone finished their mile. Clint flopped over on the floor next to my feet. 

“Well, I still hate the mile.” He announced. I chuckled. 

“What did you find out about track?” Tony asked Bucky. 

“First of all, it’s cross country. Track isn’t until the spring. Second of all, I still run fast, they still want me.” He explained. 

“Well, that’s good.” Bruce said from his left. 

“Why would you want to run  _ more _ ?” Clint asked, still sprawled out on the floor. 

“Gets out my pent up frustration and gets my head out of my ass.” Bucky said. 

“Yeah, buddy. You could really use that.” Clint teased. Thor was stifling a laugh. Bucky shot daggers at Clint with his eyes. 

“Chill out, Manchurian candidate. He’s just kidding.” Tony said. 

“I know.” Bucky snapped. Thank god the coach blew the whistle to go into the locker room. It was straight up awkward. We soon changed. Then the bell rang for lunch, and then the bell rang again for fifth period. School is basically just bells over and over again. I was kind of worried for Bucky, Rhodey might kill him in fifth hour. 


	19. Sweatpants.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Rhodey tries not to kill Bucky, and Steve and Bucky eventually make up again.

** _Chapter 19 _ **

“So before we start this group assignment, you’ve got some explaining to do.” Rhodey said while looking at me. 

“I think we could start the group assignment. It’s due Friday.” I told him. I really didn’t want to talk about it. 

“Clint and I could always come over to your house. Now, what’s up with you?” Rhodey asked. He wasn’t trying to be rude, he was just intruding. 

“What do you mean?” I didn’t look at him. I kept tapping my pencil on the table. 

“You know what I mean, James.” He never uses my first name. 

“No, I don’t know what you mean, James.” Both of our first names are James, so I used it to my advantage.

“Why are you acting out? What’s going on with you?” Rhodey asked. His tone was still calm. Clint was just watching it all unfold. 

“I feel useless, Rhodes. I feel useless and helpless. I feel like a burden. I can’t keep doing this anymore, I can’t.” He instantly understood what I meant. 

“You aren’t actually thinking of doing anything, are you?” He whispered, concerned. 

“No. I could never leave Steve alone. It’s just, it’s not like that thought hasn’t crossed my mind lately.” I admitted. It really had crossed my mind, more than once. 

“Bucky, you need to talk to us more. Everyone’s here for you. Everyone supports you. We love you just as much as Steve does. You’re our friend. We want you to be happy.” I smiled at this. It was nice feeling this way. 

“We are all going to Tony’s on Friday. We are dragging your ass along. You can’t keep telling us no. Besides, Steve won’t go unless you do.” Clint added.

“I’ll go, I swear I’ll go. Thanks guys.” I smiled again, it was all genuine. “Now, can we start the project please?” 

Tony dropped Steve and I off at home after school. We both went upstairs and put down our bags. 

“Is it alright if I go for a run? I felt pretty rusty earlier so I really need to.” I asked Steve. I knew he wouldn’t mind, but I still thought I should ask anyways. 

“Yeah, whatever helps you get better is fine by me.” He said. I still feel really bad about last night. I can’t believe I snapped at him like that. The bruise on his face disgusts me. It’s like a constant reminder that I fucked up. I walked to the bathroom and got changed into my gym clothes. I haven’t worn my own personal ones in quite some time. I opened the door from the bathroom and walked to go out of the bedroom door. Steve was sitting on his bed cross legged. He was working on what seemed to be math homework. I walked closer to the door, and then Steve interrupted me. 

“Can I at least have a kiss before you leave?” He said, his face still pointed down to his math book. He was writing. 

“God, you sure are needy.” I teased. I walked over to him, bent down, and gave him a quick peck on the lips. If I would’ve done anything else I probably would’ve been here all day. 

“Be safe.” He said as I was walking out the door. 

“I will.” I responded. I left the door open so he could hear when I come back. I want to do five miles, so I mentally time myself for 25 minutes. I want to be fast. I want to be really fast. I then was off. I started running. I didn’t really keep track, but I knew my route for five miles. It took me forever to figure out what it was, but I had it now. I followed the regular route. I looked down at my watch. 25:41. I could’ve gone faster. Next time I need to get rid of those 41 seconds. It was good though. 5 minutes for each mile. I never stopped once. I was too heated to stop. I forgot how good it felt to get my anger out this way. It was nice. I opened the front door and the cool air from the air conditioner hit me. 

“God that feels nice.” I thought. I walked upstairs to my room. The door was still open. I walked in and Steve was asleep on his bed. His legs were still in the criss crossed position, and his book was still in the middle of if lap. He was leaning on his arm for leverage. I grabbed the clothes out of my drawer. I then walked into the bathroom and started the shower. It was a nice, cold shower. It was a good way to cool down. I put on a pair of grey sweatpants I had lying around in my drawer and a black shirt. I looked at myself in the mirror. 

“Good lord I need a haircut.” I said aloud. I didn’t realize how long my hair was getting. I’ll just go after school tomorrow. My mom is off tomorrow anyways. I walked out, I feel my hair dripping onto my shirt. It wasn’t too wet, but for some reason it won’t stop dripping. I walked out and Steve was now awake. 

“You feeling better?” He asked. He was now just reading a book. 

“Tons. I forgot how good running was.” I stated. 

“Your strings are sticking out of your sweatpants.” Steve said. I didn’t even notice him look up at me. His face was still shoved into his book. 

“Well, I can’t exactly tie them.” I frowned. I tried to tuck them in as best as I could, but even that was hard. 

“You can always ask me.” Steve said, now he was finally looking at me. 

“You were asleep.” I responded. 

“I’ll wake up.” 

“Is this your sly way of trying to touch my hips again, Stevie?” I teased. 

“Nah, this is my way of trying to not make you look stupid.” He laughed. “And maybe a little bit of the other part, too.” I laughed at that part. We were both on our own separate beds. 

“Seriously though, can you tie this? They are falling off of me.” I asked. He laughed at my comment. 

“Sure.” He walked over. I stood up so he could tie the strings. There’s nothing weird about this. Two bro’s just tying a string. 

“Don’t get so excited, Bucky.” He looked up at me. He finally finished tying the strings. It felt like an eternity. 

“How much math homework do you have?” I asked. 

“Not too much, why?” He knew what he was doing. He always wants me to say my thoughts out loud. 

“You know why, Rogers.” And just like that, we were on the bed. Being two stupid teenage boys in love. I didn’t care if my mom heard us. I just care about him. It’s not like we are doing anything insanely dirty. We were just, you know, kissing. Kissing a lot. Like a lot. A lot of apology kisses. It was about an hour until we finally decided that we should get some work done. I couldn’t focus. I was trying to read my book, but I kept focusing back on him. It was no secret I kept staring at him. He probably felt my eyes on him. 

“God, Stevie.” I said aloud. The way he was sitting there made him look amazing. His jawline was flawless, and his blue eyes were amazing. The sun was shining on him and it made his blonde hair even blonder. I couldn’t help but look at him. 

“Yeah?” He sounded so confused. God he’s so cute when he’s like that. There’s a little piece of hair on his forehead. It was out of place and I had every desire to just move it. 

“You’re so beautiful.” I said to him. I saw his cheeks brighten up. His mouth opened to form words but they wouldn’t come out. 

“Really?” Was all he managed to say. 

“Really.” 

“God, Bucky. You’re killing me over here.” He leaned his head back on his bed. 

“Whoops. Sorry.” I joked. He jumped off of his bed and flopped into mine. He then set his head on my lap. 

“Do what I did to your hair on mine. The homework is stressing me out and I need a distraction.” He demanded. 

“Jeez, you really  _ are  _ needy.” I laughed. 

“I did it for you, do it for me.” So I did. His hair was really soft. It was a good bit thinner than my hair was, but then again I have insanely thick hair. Whatever I was doing must’ve been insanely right, because he closed his eyes and just enjoyed it. Or, enjoyed it for as long as he could. My mom knocked on the door and we both told her to come in. He sat up before she could walk in. 

“Hey boys.” My mom said as she walked into the room. 

“Hey ma.” 

“Hello ma’am” God why was he so formal. 

“Listen, Steve. I think that maybe it’s time to clean out your old apartment. The bank wants to start selling it.” My mom said. It was kind of like Steve was frozen. He looked like he could pass out. Both of us were waiting for his response. He was kind of just sitting there. He sighed. 

“Yeah, I guess it is time.” He got up, slipped on his shoes, and went to go by the door. “I’ll be waiting downstairs.” 


	20. Sarah.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Steve finally has to clean out his old apartment. He finally has to take the steps to move on to the future, and not be stuck in the past.

** _Chapter 20 _ **

I felt the emotions starting to come up. I immediately shoved them down. I didn’t want to think about anything, I just want to get the stuff out of the apartment. I’ll take what I want, and then leave what I don’t. Easy enough. 

“Yeah, I guess it is time.” I said. I got up, slipped on my shoes, and then went to the door. “I’ll be waiting downstairs.” I said. I didn’t want to put too much emotion into my words. I didn’t want them to hear how upset I am. I heard them rustle around upstairs. They then came downstairs and I followed them to the door. My apartment is only one block down, so we just walked. I grabbed my keys from my back pocket and unlocked the door. The air was hot. The AC seems like it hasn’t been running in months, which it hasn’t. Everything looked so deserted. I looked at the wall. There were pictures of my family everywhere. I felt myself tensing up. Bucky instinctively grabbed my hand. He followed me into my old room. There was the absence of the furniture in there. All of that went with me to Bucky’s. I looked at the mirror still on the wall. It had pictures stuck on them. I grabbed one of them off of the wall. It was a picture of Bucky and I. We were probably 13 at the time. It was a picture of us in front of the yard. I was on Bucky’s back. He was carrying me around everywhere like a backpack. I laughed at the memory. 

“You think you can still do that?” I turned to ask him. 

“Of course I can. I’ve only gotten larger.” He smirked. I stuck the photo in my pocket. The next photo I found was everyone on New Year’s Eve at Tony’s house. We were probably all 14 at the time. Everyone was in the picture, except for me. I was the one who took it. Natasha and Pepper were in the middle of lighting a firework in the picture. Rhodey, Clint, and Bruce were all sitting together laughing on the outdoor couch. Wanda, Bucky, Pietro, and Loki were in the hot tub. Tony, Thor, and Sam were vaguely in the background, carrying packages of more fireworks. We all looked so much younger. I grabbed all the pictures off the wall and stuck them into my pockets. I decided to inspect the rest of the room. Bucky stood waiting for me by the door. He stood there watching me. 

I walked towards my closet and opened it. There wasn’t really anything interesting there. Just old sketchbooks I didn’t want. I took the sketchbooks that I wanted, I left my oldest ones here. After realizing that there was nothing good left in this room, I met Bucky by the door. He grabbed my hand and kissed my cheek. I don’t think he could get any better. 

“Do you want to check your mom’s room?” He asked. Of course I don’t want to, but I have to. 

“I suppose I have to.” I offered him a small half smile. He squeezed my hand and started leading me down the hall. We stood in front of her door. It took me a good second to build up the courage to open up the door, but I eventually did. 

We walked in the room. I let go of Bucky’s hand and walked toward the bed. I touched the sheets. All kinds of different memories popped into my head. 

“She died in this bed.” I said to myself. I immediately let go of the sheet and backed up. She  _ did  _ die in this bed. She died in this  _ room.  _ The whole room around me was spinning. It’s like my whole world was collapsing. I felt like I was about to throw up. I immediately ran to the bathroom and locked the door. I started dry heaving. Nothing was coming up, but I just felt like I was gagging. I heard Bucky exit the room to go get his mom. I couldn’t stop dry heaving. My body wanted to throw up, but it couldn’t. I just sat there on the ground heaving. There was suddenly a knock on the door. 

“Steve, honey, can you unlock the door?” Mrs. Barnes asked me through the other side of the door. The only response that was able to come out of my mouth was more coughing and dry heaving. 

“Stevie, we can leave. We just need you to unlock the door so we can get you.” Now Bucky’s voice was coming through the other end of the door. I didn’t feel strong enough to stand yet, so I scooted my body across the floor and turned the lock to unlock it. I then went back to my spot sitting beneath the toilet. 

“It’s unlocked.” I choked out. I don’t know when I started crying, but apparently it’s been a while. Just with a touch to my eyes they already felt puffy. Mrs. Barnes and Bucky soon came into the bathroom. 

“Oh, baby. I’m so sorry.” Mrs. Barnes said as she pulled me into her arms. I couldn’t stop crying. Everything hurt. I miss my mom. Dear god I miss her so much. I wish I spent more time with her. I wish I spoke to her more. I wish she was still here. 

Mrs. Barnes slowly pulled away. She turned around to face Bucky. 

“You want a turn with him?” She asked. That made me snort a little bit. 

“Very much so.” He said. He bent down so he could be eye to eye with me. He started wiping the tears from my face with his right hand. He then slowly pulled me into his chest. I think this was the most gentle he’s ever been with me. It was soothing. 

“I’m sorry, Steve. I’m so sorry this happened to you.” He spoke softly, only enough where I’d hear him and no one else. My throat wouldn’t let me respond to him. I couldn’t really say anything. He just sat on the floor holding me, gently rocking me back and forth. He started kissing my neck again, like he’s done before. He just wanted to let me know he was here for me, till the end of the line. 

Eventually we both finally got up and walked out of the apartment. Being there made me feel like I was choking. I hated it. I held onto him the whole time we were walking home. I felt miserable. As soon as we got home I went upstairs to take a shower. Bucky and Mrs. Barnes asked if I wanted to eat, but I politely declined. I wasn’t in the mood to consume any food. I just wanted to shower. I grabbed my clothes from off the bed, and I started the water in the shower. After I get out I usually dry off my hair, but I didn’t even touch it this time. I was too numb to touch it. I just brushed my teeth and flopped onto my bed. I took out my journal. 

** _ 11/27/2001 _ **

_ I want mom to come back. I haven’t talked about this in a while, but I just want her back. It doesn’t feel the same without her and dad. I feel alone. Mrs. Barnes has been nothing but kind to me, but she’s not my mom. She will never be my mom. I miss seeing her. Her blonde hair and blue eyes. Every single time I step foot in front of a mirror I’m reminded of her. I hate myself. I hate looking at myself. I hate looking at myself because there’s no way I can get her back. I wish the stupid illness would’ve taken me, not her. I should’ve been the one to die. I wish the asthma would kill me.  _

I tucked my journal back into my book bag. That’s all I could think of for what I wanted to say. I wanted her back and that’s that. Someone knocked on the door. I immediately knew it was Bucky. 

“Come in.” I yelled. He slowly stepped into the room. He sat down on the edge of my bed next to my legs. 

“How are you feeling?” He asked me. I shifted myself upwards to get a better look at him. I thought it would be rude to not look at him while he was concerned about me. 

“A lot better now that I’m out of there. I felt like I was being strangled in there.” I responded. I shifted my left leg to the side, hoping he’d get the memo. He did indeed get the memo, and started rubbing the inner part of my thigh up and down with his right hand. It always seems to calm me down. 

“That’s good. I’m sorry that I didn’t pull you out of the room in time.” He said, staring at the exposed part of my thigh. 

“It’s not your fault, Buck. You couldn’t have known.” That visibly calmed him down. 

“I just wish it didn’t have to be this way, you know? I wish everyone was still here and okay.” Bucky said, sighing after he finished. 

“I’d like that, but everything happens for a reason, Bucky. The universe always has a plan.” I responded. I’ve always thought that everything happens for a reason. It’s the only explanation for the shitshow of a planet that we have. 

“Well, I hate that plan.” He said frowning. God, he’s so cute. He’s the reason why I get up in the morning. I know everything’s going to be okay when I look into his eyes. He’s the only one that can calm me down. I slid back down on my bed and cuddled up next to Bucky’s side. I took in his scent. It smelled so sweet. It was kind of indescribable. He was sitting up, so my hand was wrapped around his waist and my head was buried into his side. He removed his hand from thigh, mostly because that would be a really awkward position. He instead opted for moving his hand and rubbing small circles on my back. 

“I love you so much, Stevie. You know that right? I never want to lose you.” He said. 

“I know. I love you too, Buck.” It was muffled by his shirt, but he could still hear me. It was now his turn to slide down the bed to face me. I had to move my arms for him to do so, but once he slid down all the way I put them right back where they were. I quickly dozed off afterwards. 


	21. Fever Dreams.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Bucky gets really sick, and Steve makes himself Bucky’s nurse for the night.

** _Chapter 21 _ **

** _ 11/30/2001_ **

_ Now, today is Friday. We were all supposed to get together at Tony’s today, but there’s been a little bump in the road. Instead of us going to Tony’s like we all planned, I’m taking care of Bucky at home. He’s been throwing up all evening and now he’s running a fever. Mrs. Barnes took care of him during the day, but I decided to take him off her hands once I came home from school. He’s taken care of me a lot when I was sick, so I figured it was my turn to repay him. Besides, he rarely gets sick anyways. Also besides the fact that he’s puking everywhere, he got a haircut on Wednesday evening. I’m missing the long hair, but the short hair is just as good. Anyways, back to the subject. He’s been fucking vomiting everywhere and now I’m praying he doesn’t have the flu. I have a weak immune system as is, and I really can’t get sick. I’m just hoping this is a little bug. We all agreed to bring him to the doctor tomorrow morning.  _

My writing was interrupted by the sound of Bucky running out of his bed to the bathroom. I’m not even sure if he’s actually vomiting at this point. I don’t think that he has anything else left to come up. I tossed my journal on the bed and headed to him. 

“You alright?” I asked, leaning on the doorframe. I got a grunt as a reply. 

“You want some water?” He nodded his head yes at this question. I headed downstairs to grab him a glass of water. 

“Is he feeling any better?” Mrs. Barnes asked. 

“Not really. He’s still throwing up. It’s now every 30 minutes though. That’s a bit of progress.” I answered. She wished me the best of luck, and I was back upstairs. Bucky now moved himself from the bathroom, to back onto his bed. I put the cup of water on his nightstand. 

“Do you feel any better?” I asked. He just shrugged his shoulders. After he took a sip of his drink, he gave me a verbal answer. 

“It feels like my insides are on fire.” He moaned. 

“Is that a no?” I asked. He chuckled a little bit. 

“I think it is.” He leaned back onto the bed with his legs still hanging over. 

“You’re really pale, babe.” I told him. I was really good at stating the obvious.

“Probably because I’ve been puking all day.” He said while sighing. 

My phone vibrated on the nightstand and I went to grab it. It was a text from Bruce. 

**[Hulk 8:23 PM] We miss you guys!!! We hope all is well!**

Bruce’s nickname is the Hulk because he used to be the largest of us. That slowly changed once Thor hit puberty. 

**[Steve 8:23 PM] if well is throwing up all over my carpet and ruining it, then it’s going great :) We miss you guys too**

**[Hulk 8:24 PM] Damn. I’m sorry. I hope he gets better. I tried to text him but he never answered. **

**[Steve 8:24 PM] It's really sweet of you to check in. I’ll definitely tell him. I love you guys <3 **

**[Hulk 8:24 PM] We love you too! <3**

I went to put my phone down, but then I got another text. 

**[Iron Man 8:25 PM] suck his dick. **

It caught me so off guard, that I dropped my phone and gasped. Bucky then grabbed it off the ground, and saw the text on the screen. He then took it upon himself to text Tony through my phone. 

**[Steve 8:25 PM] No thanks. I don’t want to vomit when he’s going down on me. We can save that for another day <3 ~ yours truly **

**[Iron Man 8:25 PM] I’m gonna swallow bleach. **

**[Steve 8:25 PM] you brought it up. **

Bucky handed me my phone back with the dirtiest little smile. 

“I’m so scared to see what you just sent him.” I said. I looked on my phone to see his response. It probably should’ve bothered me a lot more than, but the thought of that happening didn’t exactly upset me. I set my phone back down on the nightstand. I flopped down on my bed. I don’t even care anymore. I’m just gonna say it. I really wish I could fucking jack off right now. I felt myself breathing heavy, in the non asthmatic way. 

“You alright over there?” Bucky asked. I just groaned. He really has no business being so attractive. Especially with his new haircut. “I’m supposed to be the sick one.” He laughed. 

“Just give me a minute.” I said. I needed to calm myself down. 

“Can I tell you something.” Bucky said. His voice was so extremely deep. 

“What’s up?” I asked. 

“I miss showering with you.” He admitted. I’m not exactly sure if it was the fever getting to him, but god damn I think I just died and went to heaven. 

When Bucky and I were way younger, probably about seven, we would shower and bathe together. My mom would watch him while his parents were at work. It was always easier on her this way. The last time we showered with each other was probably when we were 12, and that was by choice. We thought wanting to do that was  _ normal.  _ Boy, were we wrong. 

“Why did we ever stop?” I teased. I’m finally getting comfortable enough with him to tease him like this. 

“Got too old. Would’ve been weird if we kept doing it and saying we were just ‘best friends’.” He explained. 

“Well I mean that titles changed, hasn’t it?” 

“Well fuck me.” Bucky groaned into his arm. 

“Been trying.” I said back. 

“Well look at you go. You sure are in a mood.” Bucky said laughing. 

“Am I coming on too strong?” I asked, suddenly self conscious. He laughed again. 

“Trust me, if I wasn’t vomiting everywhere I would’ve been over there so fast.” He said. Somehow, this got me even more excited. 

“I’m saying this with utmost respect,” I began to say, “you are literally so fucking hot, Buck.” 

“Ughh, why do you do this to me?” He shoved his head into his pillow. 

“What, say the truth?” 

“My heart is racing, Rogers. I’m not sure if that’s the sickness, or because you totally just did ungodly things to me.” 

“Probably both.” I joked. 

“I have a thing for collarbones.” Bucky said, seriously. I wasn’t sure what he wanted me to say to this. I guess it was nice to know? 

“And?” I asked. 

“You have nice collarbones, Steve.” I now understood what he meant. “You don’t know what I’d do to you right now if I wasn’t sick.” This sent chills down my spine. What the  _ fuck  _ is he trying to do to me. “I love seeing you without your shirt on, you know that. That’s the best part of getting to go to sleep.” Is he trying to test me? 

“I think the fever is getting to your head, Buck. Lie down.” I told him. These aren’t things he’d normally say. 

“Fuck, and your adam’s apple. It drives me insane.” He  _ really  _ needed to lie down. I felt his forehead. It was burning up. 

“Lay down, Buck. You’re hot.” 

“You told me that already.” He teased. I audibly sighed. 

“Not like that, Buck. Your fever is high. Put this under your tongue.” I put the thermometer under his tongue. 

“There’s a lot I could do with my tongue, Rogers.” I really want to kill myself at this point. He has to be thinking this isn’t real. The thermometer beeped and I took it out of his mouth. 

“101.4.” I said aloud. I set down the thermometer, and went to the bathroom and put a small towel under cold water. This should help bring down his fever. I came back and put the towel on his forehead. 

“Please try and rest, Buck.” I told him. I was hoping he’d catch my drift, because I was worn out. 

“I’ll try. Thanks, Stevie.” He said, smiling. I guess he really did catch my drift. I pulled the blankets over him. I then went in my own bed and turned off the lamp. 

“Sleep well, Bucky. I love you.” I said to him. 

“I love you, too.” 


	22. The Flu.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In the midst of taking care of Bucky, Steve also gets struck down with the flu. Because of this, they now alternate their roles in the game of “Nurse and patient.”

** _Chapter 22 _ **

Just as I thought. The doctor came out and told us that Bucky had the flu. He gave him some antibiotics and a shot to flush it out of his system, but I already knew it was too late for me. I already expected to get the flu, and I stood corrected. Saturday night I was completely fine, still helping around with Bucky. By Sunday morning Bucky finally felt better and got over his fit. However, while Bucky went out for his run there I sat. Kneeling on a towel puking my guts up. Whenever I throw up, my body has the instinct to cry, so when Mrs. Barnes went upstairs to go to the laundry room she heard the sounds of me violently throwing up and crying. I was so weak that I couldn’t even stand. When I get sick, it gets bad. I can’t even bathe myself on my own. I always pass out and fall asleep too often to bathe myself. My mom was always afraid I’d pass out, which actually happened. She would always run me bath water and bathe me while I would drift off into my seventh nap of the day. I honestly had no idea what I was going to do now. Mrs. Barnes helped me get up, and she guided me to Bucky’s bed. She let me stay on his because it was under the fan and air conditioner and she wanted to cool me off, and his was more comfortable than mine. He had a nicer mattress than I did. When Bucky came back after his run and didn’t see his mom, he knew something was wrong. He came upstairs and there he saw me, curled up in his bed with a cold towel over my forehead. Mrs. Barnes instructed him to take a shower before he even stepped foot towards me. I was lucky I didn’t have to vomit while he was in the shower, I would’ve been in deep shit if I did have to. As soon as he got out the shower he took over Mrs. Barnes job. 

“Jesus fuck, Steve. You’re super pale!” Bucky exclaimed. I tried to make the same joke he made on Friday, but I was too weak to even try and speak. It was harder for me to get up and throw up, but somehow I managed. By somehow I mean that when I would start aggressively coughing, Bucky would help me get to the bathroom and set me on the floor. I feel like any other person would be disgusted by this, but Bucky was fine with it. I sat on the ground for a good second. I felt disgusting. 

“I need a shower.” I mumbled. 

“No offense, but you can’t even stand up. How do you expect to shower?” Bucky asked. 

“Then I need to take a bath.” I muttered. 

“You keep falling asleep. You’d probably drown.” He said. I audibly groaned. This was so much easier when my mom was alive. 

“How’d you take baths before? You know, when you’d get sick.” He asked. I explained to him about how my mom would start the water and bathe me. Sure it made me feel like a four year old, but I felt even worse when I wouldn’t bathe. 

“Do you want me to do it? Or my mom or something? Whatever makes you more comfortable.” He asked. I nodded my head at him saying for him to do it. We’ve taken showers together. This won’t be anything different. I was sick and he was caring for me. That’s all that was happening right now. Besides, I only needed him in there for really the top half of my body. I could get the rest, I was just never able to move my arms up enough to wash my chest and neck, and definitely not my back. It was sometimes even a struggle to wash my stomach. However, I was able to reach my legs and feet. 

“Do you want me to start the water?” He asked me. I nodded my head yes again. He got up, put the drain blocker in the bathtub, and started running the water. He knew I liked my water warmer so that’s how he adjusted it. He then grabbed me clothes from my dresser. He walked back in the bathroom and locked the door behind him. 

“Are you able to pull your shirt over your head?” He asked. I nodded my head no. I could barely lift my arms over my head right now. He then pulled off my shirt, and then his hand lingered over my pants. “Is this okay? Can I do this.” He asked. 

“It’s fine.” I said. I figured he wanted verbal consent, not just a shake of my head. After he pulled off my pants, I told him I had it from there and I took off everything else and put myself in the tub. Thankfully, he turned towards the door while I did all of that. He then walked over and turned off the water. I leaned my head against the side of the bathtub. Before he even started to touch me, he asks if this was alright and I said yes. He didn’t need to ask me anymore. I was too sick to enjoy any part of it. I just wanted to get back in the bed. He stopped as soon as he got down to my waist. 

“Can you take it from here?” He asked. 

“Yeah.” I answered. He didn’t leave the bathroom, he just sat by the corner. I guess he wanted to make sure that I wouldn’t pass out or something. 

“Can you hand me the towel, please?” I asked. 

“Sure.” He handed me the towel and promptly turned around again. I drained the water and wrapped the towel around my waist. Making sure Bucky wasn’t staring at me, I dropped the towel and started drying off. I then slipped on my boxers. 

“You can turn back around.” I told him. He then turned around and gently grabbed my shoulder. I was glad he did that because I didn’t even notice myself rocking back and forth. 

“Let’s get you back to the bed.” Bucky said.

I told Bucky I could take my bed, but he insisted I take his. Instead of sleeping in my bed, he opted in sleeping with me. I wasn’t complaining. I enjoyed cuddling into his chest. I liked feeling his chest rise and fall. Plus, he always rubs small circles into my back when I sleep with him. 

I ran to the bathroom all night. I practically slept on the floor. Bucky kept trying to get up to fool with me, but he has school in the morning. I don’t want him to stay awake with me. I explained this to him, and then he finally left. He felt awful, but I told him it was alright. I stayed there all night. Before I knew it, his alarm was going off to go to school and he was long gone, and it was just me at home alone. 


	23. Star Spangled Man With a Plan.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Steve is still sick at home, so Bucky goes to school alone. Bucky also gets to meet THE Sharon Carter, and Sam spends some time with Stucky.

** _Chapter 23 _ **

I could practically die. A day at school without Steve is a day in hell. 

“You look like shit.” Natasha says as I plop down into my seat. 

“Best boy got the flu. He’s totally messed up.” I said. 

“Damn, poor Steve. Why didn’t you stay home.” Natasha asked. 

“He didn’t want me to. Told me that I had to go to school to get an education. Sounded like my dad.” I scoffed. 

“We missed you at the party on Friday.” Pepper interjected. 

“Yeah. I got Bruce’s text. And Tony’s.” I chuckled to myself. 

“Damn, he actually sent it. That asshole.” Natasha blurted out. That deserved a punch in the arm from Pepper. 

“What did it say?” Pepper asked. She was completely unaware of the situation. 

“It was a text to Steve. Told him to suck my dick.” I shrugged my shoulders and grabbed my pencil out of my bag. 

“I hate how casually you just said that.” Nat said. 

“Well, shit happens, Nat. I had to bathe him last night. Sucking his dick doesn’t bother me in the slightest.” I placed my pencil on my desk. Class was starting soon and I don’t want to get my ass chewed out by Ms. Carter. She’s one hell of a teacher. 

“He’s that bad off?” Natasha asked. 

“Yeah. My boy couldn’t even stand on his own.” I answered. My boy was one of my little pet names for Steve. I never said it to his face though, he’d get too embarrassed. 

“I bet you’re itching to go home, huh Buck?” Pepper asked. 

“Ouch, didn’t asked to be outed like that, Pep.” I grabbed my chest, acting like I was shot. She just chuckled and faced the board. I feel like this is going to be a  _ long _ day. It doesn’t help that I’m extremely tired, and I can’t stop thinking of Steve puking his guts up. He’s probably still on the bathroom floor. 

I sat in the floor of the music room. There was a pep rally going on, and I’m not the biggest fan of crowds. Plus I don’t want to see all the cheerleaders out there. Reminds me too much of football. Sat across from me is Clint, who also doesn’t do well with crowds. Whenever I get bored, I always start randomly singing. It’s always been like that, even since I was young. One time I got so bored that I started singing “...Baby One More Time” by Britney Spears in my kitchen. It annoyed the hell out of my dad, but I was having a great time. This time I closed my eyes are started singing “Creep” by Radiohead. I’ve always really liked that song, and it was the first one that popped into my head, so why not sing it? As I was nearing the end of the song, I opened my eyes and saw that Clint was recording me. I felt my cheeks heat up. 

“Oh this is totally going to Steve.” Clint laughed. I just grunted and tried to take the phone from him. He just shoved it under his ass so I wouldn’t grab it. 

“Seriously man. Is there anything you can’t do?” He asked me. 

“Notice when someone is filming me.” I stated. He laughed at my dry sarcasm. 

“I’m not kidding, you’re talented. That or my hearing aids blocked out how awful you sounded.” He teased. 

“He’s right, you know.” I whipped my head around to see who it was. It was Sharon Carter. “Sorry to intrude, I just think you’re really talented.” 

“James Barnes.” I offered her my hand. She promptly took it. 

“Sharon Carter. Nice to meet you.” Her hand lingered on mine for a while. I pulled mine away. I knew exactly who she was. Steve used to have the biggest crush on her in middle school. She never even realized it. He was head over heels for her. 

“I hope to see you around, James.” She smiled, and then went through the door. 

“Man, she really has no clue you are gay, huh.” Clint said, standing up and stretching. I followed suit. 

“To be fair, most people don’t.” I said, grabbing my book bag from off the floor. 

“You’ve got a point there.” He responded. “Walk with me to lunch?” 

Clint explained what happened to everyone during lunch, or mostly everyone. Half of us had first lunch, the other half had second. So really, he only explained it to Pepper, Rhodey, Natasha, Bruce, Loki, and Pietro. The other half would probably hear about it through Nat. 

“She totally digs you man. You  _ need  _ to get out of this.” Rhodey says. I completely agree with him. 

“Yeah. I mean you are dating the star spangled man with a plan.” Loki joked. Steve earned the nickname “Captain America” when he did this huge project on WWII and got an A plus. He even won the favor of the school board. Tony came up with the nickname, of course.

“Listen,” Pietro said through bites of his sandwich. “If this continues, you have to tell her how it is.” 

“Listen, Buck-“ She was stopped short. 

“Speak of the devil.” I thought to myself. It was Sharon Carter, yet again. She tapped Pepper on the shoulder. 

“Pardon me, but what time do we have practice?” She asked. 

“I told you earlier. Right after school. No excuses. We have to get this routine down.” Pepper said. 

“Right, right. I’m so forgetful sometimes.” She shook her head. “Hey, James.” There it was. The excuse to come over. 

“So, how’s Steve feeling?” Natasha interrupted. I’ve never been more thankful for her. 

“Oh! Steve Rogers! I know him! He’s super sweet.” Sharon said. We didn’t really ask for her opinion, but I don’t think she cared. 

“Wow what a small world. He happens to be Mr. Barnes boyfriend over here. Isn’t that right, James?” Natasha said through gritted teeth. She was definitely getting her point across. 

“Yeah. Been with him for a while. He’s the best.” Sharon stared at me wide eyed. I don’t think she’s ever witnessed this happen. 

“Oh, you. Oh? Oh.” Her face turned beet red. “You swing that way?” I nodded my head yes. 

“I’m  _ so  _ sorry for coming onto you like that. I-I didn’t realize.” She apologized. She seemed like a sweet girl, I now know why Steve likes her so much. 

“It’s fine. Not a lot of people realize it. Probably the football body.” I joked. She laughed. 

“I should probably get going. Maria is probably going to kill me for being so long. Have a good day!” She waved at all of us. 

“Well that was easy enough, thanks Natasha.” She then stole a carrot from out of my tupperware container. 

“No problem,  _ James. _ ” She said, while winking at me. 

Sam insisted that he drive me home. He said that he wanted to check on Steve. 

“So, how have you been doing?” Sam asked. 

“I’ve been pretty mediocre. Getting better here and there. Sometimes worse. Depends on the day. Depends on the memory.” I answered. 

“I really hope you get better, man. You deserve to be happy.” He never kept his eyes off of the road. He didn’t want to stress me out. 

“The happiness comes and goes. Steve makes me happy. You guys make me happy, but one memory comes and it ruins it all. The car wreck fucked me up.” I said. 

“Are you ready for the trial?” He asked. 

“Hell no, don’t think I ever will be.” I responded. “Steve has to testify, too. Has to explain my state and shit. He sat on my left side, so he saw how mangled my arm was before they took it off. He won’t talk to me about it, though.” 

“Isn’t it coming up soon? The 13th or something?” 

“Close enough. It’s actually the 14th. I’m gonna have to miss school again. So will Steve.” 

“You think you’ll be able to explain it? The accident, I mean.” 

“Fuck no, but I’m going to have to. I have no other choice. It’ll be hard as hell, but I have to do it at some point.” He pulled into my driveway. We both stepped out of the car. I grabbed my keys out of my book bag, and started to unlock the door. Normally, I’d put my stuff away and go running, but I think I can let myself slide for today. We walk into the apartment and it’s pitch black. I turned towards the door and felt for the light. I eventually found it, and then I saw Steve on the couch. He looked terrible. 

“Good lord. You look like you’ve been run over by a train.” Sam said, walking over to Steve’s side. 

“I  _ feel  _ like I have.” Steve groaned. He was still a sickly pale color. 

“Did my mom drop off medicine on her break?” I asked, slowly making my way over to him. 

“Yeah. I took some. It helped a little bit.” He stuck out his hand in hopes I would hold it. I complied. 

“You try to eat anything?” Sam asked. 

“His mom brought me some soup, but I haven’t tried any yet.” He responded. 

“It would probably help you. Try and eat some.” I interjected 

“If I throw it up, I’m killing the both of you.” Steve teased. 

“Like to see you try, pip squeak.” Sam punched him gently in the arm. 

I went to the stove and heated up the soup for him. Sam and Steve were laughing on the couch together. After the soup came to a slow boil, I poured it into a bowl and grabbed a spoon. I closed the cabinet with my hip, and walked towards the couch. Sam scooted to the left so I could sit in the middle of them. 

“So, Buck. Wanna talk about the whole Sharon Carter incident?” Sam asked me. Clint must have told him. 

“What about her?” Steve asked. It was only Monday and I wished that this week would end. 

“I don’t know, everyone thought she was flirting with me. I told her I had a boyfriend, said it was you.” I explained. “She said you were really sweet.” 

“They didn’t think she was flirting with you, they knew she was.” Sam said. 

**——————————————————**

This was an odd situation to be in. Finding out your boyfriend was being flirted with is a little strange. It made me strangely jealous, and that never happens. He hangs out with girls all the time and it never bothered me. 

“Listen, I like girls and all but I’m a taken man.” Bucky says with a smile. “Plus I like Steve more.” 

“Well that’s a blessing. If you didn't this would totally be awkward.” I said. He had his hand on my thigh again, so there’s no doubt in my mind that he didn’t love me. He finds it hard to take his hands off of me. 

“That’s… kind of cute.” Sam’s voice trailed off. 

“Well, we try.” Bucky said. 

“Anyways, I should be going. I don’t want my mom to eat my ass.” Sam said, standing up. 

“Why. Why would you say something like that?” I asked. 

“Eat my ass, Rogers.” Sam laughed. “Seriously though, feel better.” He put a hand on my shoulder and gently shook it. 

“Take good care of him, Buck. We don’t need him dying.” Sam told Bucky. Bucky got up to walk Sam to the door. 

“Wouldn’t even dream of it.” Bucky said, holding open the door. He walked Sam out of the door, and came back and plopped himself onto the sofa next to me. I slide my bowl of soup onto the coffee table. I barely even ate a quarter of it. Bucky leaned over to see how much I ate, and he was sorely disappointed. 

“That’s as much as I could eat, Buck. I don’t want to push it.” I told him. 

“I know.” He sighed. He ran his fingers through his hair. I would totally go up to him and kiss him, but I don’t want to possibly vomit all over him. 

“How was school without me?” I asked. I already knew about Sharon, but I wanted to hear about the rest of his day. 

“Incredibly boring. It felt weird. Sitting next to Rhodey at lunch felt strange. Normally you sit in the middle of us.” He said. 

“You missed me?” I asked, sweetly. He elbowed me. 

“Of course I did, punk. Did you get Clint’s message?” He asked me. I probably did but I haven’t looked at my phone. 

“Probably. My phones upstairs so I can’t see it.” I responded. “What is it?” I asked. 

“Nothing much. Just a video of me singing. I didn’t realize he was recording it.” He ran his hand through his hair again.

“God that’s attractive.” I thought to myself. 

“Why thank you. I try my hardest.” Bucky said, smiling. It must’ve accidentally slipped out of my head and into my mouth. I felt the heat rise to my face, and I just leaned over and face planted into Bucky’s lap. He put a hand over my head. 

“Jesus, since when did we adopt a dog?” He teased. 

“I’m sick you can’t tease me like this.” I said into his thigh. 

“If you throw up on me, we’ll talk.” He joked. 

“You may not want to make that bet. That very much could happen.” 

“Gross? Get off my legs then, punk.” He laughed. 

“Just for that comment, I won’t.” 

“Okay. Two can play at this game.” He said. He stood up, and my face plopped onto the sofa. He then picked me up, grabbed me with one arm, put me over his back, and carried me upstairs. All while I was aggressively kicking my legs and hitting his back. Once we got into the room, he set me on my bed and doubled over laughing. 

“How did you  _ do  _ that?” I asked. 

“Pure determination, baby.” He said, winking. 

“You’re lucky I didn’t vomit on your back.” I teased. 

“If you ever did that, I’m throwing you in the sewers.” 

“Don’t tempt me.” 

“I’m going to kill you, Rogers.” He said, deadpanned. 

“Mhm. Okay, babe.” I chuckled. 


	24. Hanukkah.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Steve has some questions about the upcoming holiday season that he needs figured out.

** _Chapter 24 _ **

** _ 12/03/2001 _ **

_ So, I watched the video Clint sent me. It sounded like I died and went to heaven. Is there really anything Bucky can’t do? He’s ridiculously talented, attractive, and athletic. Makes me wonder how in the world he ended up with me. One thing, however, has been on my mind. I’m really confused on how the holidays are going to go this year. Bucky is Jewish, and his parents have always celebrated Hanukkah. They’ve never celebrated Christmas in their whole lives. However, my parents were Catholic. We would go to the Christmas mass and all sing Christmas songs together. So far, none of that has happened. It feels so odd to me. I’m not even sure how to bring it up to Bucky. Normally we’d already have our tree up and some lights around our apartment. It didn’t really feel like Christmas to me here. No disrespect, it’s just going to take me a bit to get used to it. I don’t mind missing out on Christmas anyways. My parents aren’t here, and we always were really poor anyways. The absence of presents wouldn’t bother me. I’m also confused on how Hanukkah is going to work? I’m not Jewish, so I don’t celebrate Hanukkah. It’s great for Bucky and Winnie, but it just feels wrong for me to partake in the celebration. I know absolutely nothing about their religion. Plus, I don’t want to be thrusted into something like that. It’s great that they celebrate! But, my views on religion is different from theirs. I hope this doesn’t make me seem like an asshole. I’m not too deep into religion. I don’t fast and I definitely am not a pure child, but I still love Christmas. I really should talk to Bucky about it. He probably wouldn’t mind.  _

I closed my journal and put it on my nightstand. 

“Can I ask you a question?” I said out loud. He was reading a book. He sometimes needs glasses to read smaller text, so he was wearing them. I have glasses, but I always wear contacts. I don’t even put my glasses on after I take out my contacts. They make my face look weird. 

“Sure. What’s wrong?” He asked. 

“I’m catholic right. And you’re Jewish.” I said. 

“Where are you going with this?” Bucky stared at me. I was kind of getting embarrassed. 

“What do we do for the holidays? I’ve never celebrated Hanukkah, and you’ve never celebrated Christmas.” I explained. He made a “mmm” noise. He always makes that noise when he’s thinking. 

“I haven’t really put much thought into it. What do you want to do?” He asked me. Normally I would give him an answer, but I had no idea what to say. 

“I guess what we normally do? You guys could celebrate Hanukkah and I’ll celebrate Christmas. Maybe I can go over to Bruce’s or something?” I said. 

“I’m sure we can figure something out.” He said, pulling his book onto his lap and reading again. I’m guessing this topic struck a nerve with him, because he got off of it as soon as possible. That wasn’t exactly what I expected to happen. I then thought to ask Mrs. Barnes, so I hopped off my bed, opened the door, and headed downstairs. Luckily, she was on the sofa watching the television. I sat down on the couch next to her. 

“Can I ask you something?” 

I then explained the situation to her. She also looked puzzled. I think they completely forgot about my family traditions. 

“Well, I think this would be a great way to learn about each others religion!” She exclaimed. She made it sound like some kind of project. 

“I guess that could be a good idea.” I answered. I guess this is a good way to learn more about their beliefs. I then trekked back upstairs and into my room. 

“What’d you ask her?” Bucky asked. It was late, so he was cuddled up into his blankets on his bed. 

“Same question I asked you.” I responded. 

“Ah. Did you figure it out?” 

“Well basically, the holiday season is going to be one large school project.” I stated. He scoffed. 

“Oh, perfect.” He joked. “You should just convert to Judaism. Might be easier for you.” 

“You should convert to Catholicism.” I joked back. He turned off the lamp on his nightstand. 

“Night, punk.” 

“Night, jerk.” 


	25. Tylenol.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Bucky finds out his family is coming over for the holidays, Winnifred goes all out on decorations, and Natasha is one moment away from killing Bucky at school.

** _Chapter 25 _ **

Buck and I both came home from school and everything was decorated. And by everything I mean  _ everything.  _ It was actually really strange, and emotional. Mrs. Winnie decorated half of the apartment in blue and silver decorations and had a menorah on the table. On the other half of the house she had a Christmas tree, clad with various ornaments. She decorated the beams on the ceiling with little indoor Christmas lights. I was surprised she was so welcoming to all the changes. 

“Do you boys like it? I didn’t want to go too overboard.” She asked us. She looked like she has been working hard. Bucky walked over to her and planted a kiss on her forehead. 

“It looks great, Ma.” He said. He went upstairs and did what he always does. Puts on his athletic clothes and goes running. He was soon out the door. 

“You really didn’t have to do all of this. I hope you aren’t uncomfortable by it.” I said. I really appreciated it. 

“Darling, if you aren’t uncomfortable by us then we aren’t uncomfortable by you. I don’t care about your religion, I care more about us being all together for the holiday season.” This made me smile. She’s always been such a genuinely sweet woman. She’s always held a special place in my heart. I grabbed her hand. 

“Thank you. Really, thank you.” I said. 

“I know how much this means to you. I don’t want you to feel like you’ve completely lost your mom. You deserve this, Steve. You’re a good kid. Now go do your homework.” She teased. 

“Yes ma’am!” 

Before I knew it, Bucky was back. He didn’t even look like he broke a sweat. 

“How was your run?” I asked. 

“Good.” He responded. I found this odd, he never responds to me like this. 

“Are you okay?” 

“Just tense.” 

Now this was getting under my skin. I honestly have no idea why he was acting like this. 

“Why?” I inquired. 

He grabbed his clothes out of his drawer. It took him a couple of seconds to answer my question. 

“Brings back some memories. That’s all.” Bucky explained. I keep forgetting how much his dad’s death impacts him. He and his dad were really close, they'd talk about everything together. It was different for me and my dad. My dad was a really unhappy man. He suffered from PTSD after he came back after a tour from Iran. A couple months later we found him in the bathroom, unresponsive. It killed me and it absolutely destroyed my mom. I wish we could’ve known how bad it was before. I’ve really been scared of taking pills ever since. I don’t know why, but everytime I take them I’m scared I take to much and I’m going to die or something. It’s weird. 

“Earth to Steve!” Bucky exclaimed, snapping his fingers in my face. 

“Sorry! Sorry. Just thinking.” I said. 

“Oh, I didn’t realize you were capable of doing that.” He teased. “I’m going to take my shower. You should probably start your homework before my mom kills you.” He was then off to the bathroom. It left me thinking, so of course, I took out my journal. 

** _12/04/2001 _ **

_ Today is now part two of the “complaining about the holiday season” chapter. First of all, Winnie decorated the house beautifully. I’m still really shocked. Second of all, Bucky is acting really weird again. I don’t want him to backtrack in his progress. I’ll kill him if he tries to fight me again. Lastly, I’m really nervous about celebrating with them. I don’t want to make a complete fool of myself. I’ll probably look so stupid. Plus, his family comes over on the last day of Hanukkah and they all celebrate this. I remember this because he always complains about his grandparents. I can’t really complain about mine, since they are dead. I’m now starting to realize everyone in my family is dead. I hope that doesn’t mean I’m next. I really am the last Rogers, but then again Bucky is also the last Barnes. I’m kind of nervous to meet his family. It’s just his aunt Ida and his grandma Hubbard, but still I don’t want them to hate me. We’ve met one other time, but I was a good bit younger. We also have to pose at best friends still. They have more conservative views, and don’t really enjoy homosexuality. It’s not going to be hard considering we are best friends, but the lack of contact will be a bit more complicated. I just hope they like me. I also hope they don’t shove food down my throat. Everyone seems to do that when they meet me. It’s pretty annoying, considering I do eat. My just have a dangerously fast metabolism. This is also the first time they’ve seen Buck without an arm. This holiday season will be quite the adventure.  _

I tossed my journal on the nightstand, and flopped my head into my hands. This is oddly stressful. Two holidays will be exhausting. Then we still have New Years after that too. I could die just thinking about it. 

“You alright over there?” Bucky asked. His hair was damp, and all he had on was sweatpants, without the strings tied yet again. I wonder when he’ll learn to tie them using one hand, unless he just likes me tying it for him. I ran my fingers through my hair out of stress. My hair is pin straight, so it just flopped over again. 

“I’m just stressed, that’s all.” I said taking my hands out of my face and turning to look at him. He came over and ruffled my hair. 

“Yeah, I get what you mean.” He stated. Looking at his untied strings are really bothering me. 

“Eyes are up here, Rogers.” He smugly said. I felt my face heat up. 

“The strings. It’s bothering me.” I explained. 

“Are they actually annoying you, or do you just want an excuse to touch me?” He jokingly asked. 

“A little bit of both, leaning more towards the annoyed side.” I answered. 

“Well then, can you tie them?” I’m not sure how many times I’m going to help one man get his pants on. 

“Well then, can you move forwards so I  _ can  _ tie them?” 

“Wow is that a little sass, Stevie?” 

“Shut up and let me tie the strings, goddammit.” 

**——————————————————**

“Rogers, if you don’t tell your boyfriend to shut the fuck up I’m killing someone.” Natasha leaned over and whispered. I had to agree, he was annoying the hell out of me too. He won’t stop tapping his pencil against the desk. Tony was shooting him daggers. 

“Why don’t you tell him?” I asked her. 

“I’d enjoy living, thanks.” 

“He won’t kill you.” 

“I don’t want to take the chance.” 

“Trust me, Nat. He’s annoying the shit out of me too.” 

“Then tell him to  _ stop. _ ”

I’m surprised he hasn’t heard us. We’ve been practically whisper yelling. I turned around in my desk, and looked at him. He was facing down on the desk, watching the pencil as he flicked it back and forth. 

“Buck.” I whispered. No response. 

“Bucky.” I whispered a little louder. Still, no response. 

“ _ James. _ ” I whisper yelled. I snatched the pencil from his hands. I was losing it.

“I’m so close to breaking your pencil.” 

“Oh uh, sorry.” His eyes were wide eyed and he was scratching his neck. I handed his pencil back to him. 

“Just  _ please  _ stop tapping, for the love of god.” I pleaded. It was driving us all insane. It’s hard enough for everyone to concentrate in math, but that was driving us over the edge. 

“Sorry.” He grabbed his pencil from out of my hand. Instead, he opted for bouncing his leg up and down. That also was annoying the hell out of me, but I’m not going to bring it up again. Out of the corner of my eye, I see him looking down again. He was tuning everything out again. 

“What the hell is his problem?” Natasha asked. 

“To be honest, I have no idea.” I responded. 

“Two words. Preliminary hearing.” Tony interjected. It all made sense now. I completely forgot that was coming up soon. It’s already sixth hour, so I can just talk to him once we both get home. We’re carpooling with Sam again. It’s been really easy since Sam got a car. Tony would always go out of his way to pick us up and drop us off. Sam lived right by us so it was easy for him. 

This time all three of us turned around to stare at him. 

“You do realize I’m not blind, right? I’ve seen you guys the whole time.” His eyes shot up. Just then, we were saved by the bell. “By the way, I’m also not fucking deaf. Don’t confuse me with Clint.” He shoulder checked me. Great, he was in one of his moods. 

I was hoping he’d be a bit cooled off after not seeing me for an hour, but I was wrong. He didn’t talk to me in the car at all. However, he made it a point to talk to Sam. It pisses me off when he’s like this. I’ve never been happier to see the apartment complex. I jumped out of the car. We live on the first floor, so I was able to fast walk away from Bucky and make it to the apartment first. I really didn’t feel like having an argument today. I went up the stairs and tossed my bag onto the floor. My head has been throbbing all day, so I’m really just trying to avoid a fight here. I definitely feel a migraine coming on. Bucky then came up the stairs, tossed his bag and went to the bathroom, gym clothes in hand. 

In only the short amount of time Bucky had been in the bathroom, the migraine got worse. I got up and turned off the light. As soon as Bucky got out of the bathroom, he turned the light back on. I don’t know if he realized it, but I turned it off for a  _ reason. _

“You can be pissed off at me, but please dear god turn off the light.” I said through my hands. I tried to use my hands to block the light from coming through, but it didn’t work. 

“I need it to put on my shoes.” He snapped. 

“You have a lamp. Please just use it.  _ Please _ .” I pleaded. He complied. He got up, turned off the lights and turned on the lamp. 

“Do you want me to grab your medicine? You look like you need it.” He offered. Normally I’d offer to get up and get it myself, but I’m in so much pain I could cry. 

“Yes please.” He got up and grabbed it out of my nightstand and handed it to me. He grabbed the water bottle out of his book bag and gave it to me. 

“Here.” He outstretched his hand to give it to me. Normally I wouldn’t drink after someone else, but since it’s Bucky I’ll make an acception. I took a sip of the water. 

“Thanks.” I said. 

“Would you be fine while I go run?” He asked. I said yes, but I really wanted to say no. As soon as I said it he was out the door and I was left alone. I was in so much pain I couldn’t even sleep. I wanted to maybe get a nap in or something but the pain was too unbearable. I have a sickening feeling that I’m not going to sleep very well tonight. After about 20 minutes Bucky came back home. I had my hand over eyes. Even the sunlight was bothering me. It was so sunny that it even coming through the closed blinds. 

“You feeling better?” He asked. He took the bottle of the nightstand and started drinking some of it. 

“Not at all. I feel like shit.” I answered. 

“Do you want some pain medicine? Like Tylenol or something.” He asked me. 

“No!” I practically screamed. When we found my dad we found a whole bottle of acetaminophen gone. I’ve never talked about my dad’s death before. I always have shrugged it off when someone asked. Bucky stared at me wide eyed. 

“Jeez, someone hates Tylenol.” He snorted. 

“My dad overdosed on it.” I said, flatly. 

“Oh.” 

It was silent for a good couple of minutes. The silence was deafening. I hated it. 

“You’ve never told me that.” Bucky announced. 

“Told you what?” I responded. He sighed and rubbed his temples with his hand. 

“How your dad died, Steve.” 

“I mean, I did say it was spontaneous.” 

“That’s not funny, Steve.” 

“I didn’t plan on it to be.” The energy around us was tense. He grabbed his clothes and went go shower. All the days blend into each other. Everything always feels the same. I’m sick, Bucky runs, Bucky showers, homework, eat, I shower, sleep. I don’t want to keep doing the same routine. It’s driving me insane. The water stopped running in the shower, so I knocked on the bathroom door. 

“Yes?” Bucky asked. He sounded confused. 

“Can I come in?” 

“I mean, yeah. Sure.” He answered. I walked in and sat on the countertop. It’s a double vanity, so I was able to fit. 

“Is everything okay?” He said. He was drying his hair off with a towel. 

“Do you wash your hair everyday?” I asked. 

“Yeah. Do you not?” 

“ _ No.  _ Washing it everyday dries out your hair!” I exclaimed. 

“You’ve felt my hair before. It’s definitely not dry.” He laughed. 

“That’s true.” 

“Now that was cute and all, but why did you actually come in here?” He queried. 

“I just wanted to say sorry. I was being a complete ass.” I admitted. 

“I’m sorry, too. I wasn’t exactly being the nicest either.” He apologized. “Now can we get out of the bathroom, it’s really hot in here.” I laughed at that. 

“Probably because you’re in here.” I teased. 

“Oh Stevie, you’re too kind!” He said, yanking me off the countertop. Our lips interlocked, and we soon left the bathroom. 

“Well, we haven’t done this in a while, huh.” I joked. 

“Last week, Steve.” He winked. 

Now  _ this  _ is the variety I wanted. 

He’s warm. His whole body is so warm compared to my cold one. I could get used to this. We then pulled away. My asthma probably can’t handle another minute of this. 

“My mom just pulled into the driveway.” He said, probably meaning that we should stop. 

“And?” I smirked at him. We definitely were going to be at this all night. 


	26. Amusement Park.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The whole gang™️ agrees that it’s time for a hang out session, and Wanda has the perfect idea for a hang out session.

** _Chapter 26 _ **

“Alright, fuckers.” Clint said, waltzing over to our group. 

“ _ Language. _ ” I announced. 

“Oh shut up, grandpa.” Rhodey said, punching my arm. 

“Today is a Friday. You know what we do on Fridays.” Clint exclaimed. 

“Drugs?” Sam responded. Natasha choked on the water she was drinking. 

“I- no. Not drugs.” Clint started rubbing his temples. “We hang out. We hang out on Fridays.” 

“Well we can’t do my house this time. My dad is having some business party this time.” Tony said rolling his eyes. 

“Business party?” Pepper looked over and cocked her head sideways at him. 

“Probably an orgy or something.” Tony chuckled. I felt disgusted. 

“Well here’s where my plan comes into action. Amusement park. How’s that sound!” Clint said, beaming. Apparently he’s put a lot of thought into it. There was noise of agreement all around us, including Bucky from beside me. I hated being the buzzkill, but I feel like I should point it out. 

“Listen, that sounds great and all, but where would I get the money from?” I asked. Bucky visibly frowned. He knew he didn’t want to borrow money from his mom. 

“Yeah. I guess he’s right.” Bucky sighed. 

“Oh, shut your asses up. I’ll fucking pay for all of you. I want you guys to join us in a good time. You boys need it.” Tony yelled at us. I was oddly touched. 

“Tony, you don’t have to do that.” I said. 

“I know I don’t. But I want to. You’ve been through a lot, Cap. You need this. You too, Buck.” Tony stated. 

“Wow. Didn’t realize you had a heart down there, Tony.” Natasha teased. Bruce laughed next to her. 

“Yeah well sometimes it malfunctions.” The bell then rang for us to go to class. We all grabbed our things and started walking. I have art first hour with Sam and Wanda, so it’s honestly a blast.

“I can't believe Tony is being generous for once.” Wanda chuckled. 

“Yeah, I mean. You guys aren’t even offering to give him anything.” Sam said. 

“I don’t really know why he’s being like this, but hey I’m sure as hell happy with it.” I laughed. 

“We better get to ride the carousel! I love them so much!” Wanda beamed. She’s literally an adorable puppy. 

“Trust me. We will make sure you get to ride the carousel.” Sam snorted. 

“I hope we can take over the  _ whole  _ thing!” Wanda exclaimed. 

**——————————————————**

“Tony this isn’t what I meant when I said I wanted the whole thing.” Wanda frowned. 

“You seriously,” Natasha started rubbing her temples. “You seriously booked the whole fuckin amusement park.” During this whole time Bucky, Sam, Clint, and Rhodey have been pissing themselves in the corner. Pepper and Pietro have just been staring in amazement. Thor, Loki, and Bruce looked like they could pass out. 

“Think of it this way. Less people. Faster lines.” Tony smirked. 

“There’s going to be no line, Stark.” I said, flatly. 

“That’s the whole point, honeybear.” He said, promptly kissing me on the cheek. 

“You boys done laughing over there?” Natasha asked. 

“Give us a second. Rhodey almost puked.” Clint says through wheezes. They all needed a moment to catch their breath. After a good couple of minutes we all stood in a circle. Tony sketched out the game plan. 

“Alright boys.” Natasha, Wanda, and Pepper glared at Tony. “And girls.” He added. “We all need to partner up.” 

“We aren’t fucking five, Tony.” Bucky yelled at him. 

“Really? You don’t look a day over 3.” Tony teased. Bucky put his hands on hips and glared at him. “Anyways, I don't want anyone to get lost here. This place is huge and you guys are my liability. Find a partner or die.” He threatened. We then followed orders and got partners. There were five groups of two and one group of three. It was Bucky and I, Pepper and Tony, Sam and Rhodey, Natasha and Clint, Wanda and Pietro, and Thor, Bruce, and Loki. It was all fair game. We all stayed together as a whole group, but if we wanted to wander off we stayed within our little partnerships. We then started walking. We all had no real destination, we just wanted to be next to each other. 

“We better be riding the Ferris Wheel!” Pietro announced. He sounded just as excited as Wanda earlier. 

“You better be careful. Tony might buy you your own personal one!” Rhodey choked out. He was laughing so hard I thought he would die. This also caused Sam to laugh next to him. 

“You bet your ass we are going on the Ferris Wheel.” Clint said, fist bumping the air. 

“Is that our first destination, sir?” Natasha asked, acting like we were spies. Who said that high schoolers didn’t have an imagination? 

“Yes ma’am!” Clint announced. 

“I can't find a reason to disagree. I love Ferris Wheels!” Pepper exclaimed. I swear they are all four. I laughed to myself and felt Bucky squeeze my shoulder. We started to make our way to the Ferris Wheel and got in an orderly line. We were informed that the max limit was five people per car. Natasha, Clint, Pepper, Wanda, and Tony shared one car, Bucky, Sam, Rhodey and I shared ours, and Thor, Loki, Bruce, and Pietro shared theirs. We were able to hear Thor screaming hello at us from our cars. We were also able to hear Loki yell at him to “Shut the fuck up.” I was hoping it would be relaxing, but none of us could stop laughing when Tony and Clint made fake moaning noises. People could probably hear us laughing from miles away. It was insane. Bucky grabbed my hand and smiled at me. He looked genuinely happy. 

“You guys are sickening.” Rhodey said, breaking our gaze. 

“I mean it could be worse. I could be sucking his dick right now.” Bucky joked. 

“Gross? Didn’t want to imagine that, buddy.” Sam groaned. 

“Who said you had to imagine it. That’s oddly kinky of you, Wilson.” Bucky teased. Sam couldn’t help but laugh. 

“You don’t know what I do in my quiet time.” Sam winked. This caused all of us to giggle. I missed hanging out with them like this. The ride soon stopped and we all got off. Everyone was beaming with excitement. 

“Carousel. Now!” Wanda tugged at Clint’s arm, which eventually caused everyone to follow. We didn’t really have a choice. She threatened to kill us if we didn’t. We all chose what we wanted to ride. Pietro and Tony chose a giraffe, Sam chose a zebra, and Wanda, Natasha, and Clint opted for horses. Loki and Thor chose interconnected horses and Pepper and Rhodey soon got the next interconnected horses. Bruce also chose a zebra, much like Sam, and Bucky and I chose to sit in a booth together. The people directly in front of us was Pepper and Rhodey, and directly behind us was Pietro and Tony. 

“I’m having a lot of fun!” I exclaimed. Bucky beamed with happiness. 

“Me too! We haven’t done something like this since we were kids!” He responded, equally as excited. I pecked him on the lips. It was quick and gentle, but I knew that he understood what I meant by it. He immediately pulled my jaw forward and led me into another kiss. I could stay like this forever, except I can’t because Tony is behind us. 

“NO PDA!” Tony screeched from our rear. Pietro sat on his side laughing. 

“Pietro!” I grabbed my chest like I had been shot. “I am offended by your laughing!” 

“I’m offended by your makeout sessions!” He teases, sticking his tongue out in the process. 

“You wanna see makeout, kid?” Bucky asked. Slowly leaning into me. I elbowed him away. We both knew that we were kidding, so there was no harm done. 

“God, I need some bleach.” Tony chuckled. 

The fun soon became to the end, and it was getting really late. All of us knew we had to start getting home soon. Bucky and I especially had to, because his family decided to surprise us and say they are coming in tomorrow and spending all of Hanukkah with us! Which means more time Bucky and I have to hide our relationship. His family isn’t exactly the most welcoming when it comes to homosexuality. Sam then dropped us off at home, told us goodnight, and then headed to his own home. 

“You boys had fun?” Mrs. Barnes asked as we stepped into the door. 

“You know what, Ma. I really did. I had a lot of fun.” Bucky gleamed at her. She smiled right back at him. 

“I’m really happy to hear that, Bucky! How about you, Steve?” She turned to ask me. 

“Loads of fun! Tony actually rented out the whole amusement park. It was crazy!” I chuckled. 

“Oh my goodness! He really needs to start saving his money!” Mrs. Barnes exclaimed. Saving money is  _ not  _ in the Stark vocabulary. 

“Well, I think we should get washed up. We have a big day ahead of us tomorrow.” Bucky sighed. While his aunts are staying here they get our room. Our room has two beds and its own bathroom, so it’s ideal for them. I offered to sleep on the couch, but Bucky insisted that I sleep in the guest room. He then chose to take the couch for himself. We both started to walk up the stairs. Bucky grabbed his clothes to shower first, and I plopped myself on his bed. I was hoping that he would understand what I meant. I want to sleep in his bed tonight, because I know we won’t sleep together for a while. 

“Yes, Steve.” He laughed and kissed my forehead. I think my plan worked. He then headed his way into the bathroom, and I grabbed my journal out of my nightstand. First I scribbled down a drawing of Bucky during the sunset from tonight, and then I started to write. 

** _12/07/2001 _ **

_ Tonight is definitely a night I don’t want to forget. I don’t think I’ve had so much fun in a while. Bucky and I both seemed like we were lost in the moment. I felt myself forget about all the hardships of these past few months. I only felt him next to me. I also missed being with my friends. I missed hearing Natasha laugh, and hearing Clint and Tony’s stupid moans. I missed all the teasing. I missed  _ ** _this. _ ** _ My friends mean everything to me, and that includes Bucky. They make me feel like I have a place in this shit hole called Earth. They give me purpose. They make me happy. I would be nothing without their constant support. I love them more than anything.  _

I then put my book to the side and pulled out my phone. Even though I didn’t want to admit it, I know why Tony rented out the whole thing. Bucky gets anxious about people judging him on his arm. Tony did this for everyone, not just for himself. 

**[Steve 12:02 AM] Thank you. For everything. I love you, asshole. **

**[Iron Man 12:03 AM] No problem. I love you too, sticks. I mean every word.**

**[Steve 12:03 AM] even sticks? **

**[Iron Man 12:03 AM] even sticks. **

I put my phone down and smiled. Tony could be a complete asshole sometimes, but he’s my asshole. He’s  _ our  _ asshole. I then heard the vibration of my phone go off on my nightstand again. This time it was Rhodey. 

**[War Machine 12:06 AM] you are making Tony all soft. It’s making me feel weird. **

I smiled, yet again. Not only because of what Rhodey said, but because of his contact name. He used to be so obsessed with tanks and guns. It was kind of crazy. Tony gave him that nickname, and then it just stuck. In fact, Tony really gives everyone their nicknames.

**[Steve 12:07 AM] Sorry about that! Just really happy to have such great friends. <3 **

**[War Machine 12:08 AM] We would all do anything to see you and your boy smile again. I’m glad this worked. You can always talk to us.**

I felt myself tearing up. I really don’t deserve them. 

**[Steve 12:08 AM] I always will. **

I feel lucky in an odd way. I’ve lost both of my parents, and then another father figure. I’ve lost so much, but I feel like I’ve gained so much. The support from everyone is overwhelming. I’ve never felt so much love in my life. They are all constant reminders that life gets better. 

“Okay, you sure have one stupid grin on your face. What’s up?” Bucky came out and asked. I just stood up and hugged him. 

“Thank you.” I mumbled into his chest. 


	27. The Hanukkah Spirit!

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Bucky’s family comes over and discusses the death of his father. Steve loves Pythagorean Theorem.

** _Chapter 27 _ **

I haven’t heard my phone go off at all yesterday so I thought I didn’t get any messages, but apparently I was wrong. Steve was still asleep and hanging onto my back, so I decided to grab my phone and check my messages. The first one was from Clint. 

**[Hawkeye 12:07 AM] Glad to see you smiling again. **

I chuckled to myself. I’m glad that they care, I just wish that I would’ve seen it last night. I also find myself laughing even harder. I forgot that I changed his nickname to this because he said that when he was younger he named his superhero persona “Hawkeye.” It’s a constant reminder of his stupidity, and his obsession with becoming a huge archer superhero. He’s a total dork. 

**[Bucky 8:24 AM] Glad that you guys care. Means a lot to me. **

I knew that he won’t respond. He normally gets up  _ super  _ late. He stays up all night on weekends. I then check my other messages. One of them was from “Rescue”, which is Pepper. Tony gave her that nickname when she saved Bruce from choking on a grape. She practically saved his life. The thought of Bruce choking on a really small grape still causes me to chuckle. We were all confused as to how it happened. 

**[Rescue 12:03 AM] You looked so happy! I love it!!! ;P**

“God, she even types like she’s happy.” I thought to myself. 

**[Bucky 8:25 AM] Last night was great. I missed you guys. **

**[Rescue 8:26 AM] We missed you too! We care about you so much! <3 xoxo**

I didn’t expect her to respond so quickly. It kind of shocked me. 

**[Bucky 8:26 AM] same here. **

It was now time to check my last set of messages. The last person was Tony, who only said: 

**[Iron Man 12:09 AM] suck his dick. ;)**

I didn’t even respond to it. I just immediately closed my phone and turned to face Steve. I pulled him closer to me, and I breathed him in. He smelled so unbelievably good. He smelled like a strange mix of cherries and vanilla. I’m not exactly sure how, but I guess it’s just a permanent scent. I just realized how much I missed holding him this close. He’s so cold compared to my warm skin, it feels amazing. Everything about him feels amazing. The fact that I can call him mine is unbelievably incredible. I've wanted this for so long. For as long as I could remember I was obsessed with tiny little Steve. My dad used to tease me for “being in love” with “Sick Steve.” My dad always had that nickname for him. He would even call him that to his face. It never bothered Steve, in fact it reminded him of the feeling of having a dad. Steve’s dad passed when he was young, so he’s never really experienced having a father. My dad would always tease him like a father would, all in good fun. My dad loved Steve. Sometimes I thought he loved Steve more than me. 

“Buck?” Steve groggily mumbled. 

“Yeah?” I asked back. I felt him shifting from under me. He was trying to wiggle himself free from my arm. He probably was trying to sit up. 

“Time?” 

“9:00 on the dot.” I responded. My family was coming at around 12:00, so we had to clean beforehand. Them spending all of Hanukkah with us is probably the worst possible news I’ve ever received. My reasons: 

  1. Less time with Steve. More time on couch alone. 
  2. Gramma Hubbard can be an asshole 
  3. Aunt Ida is going to constantly talk about my arm being gone and about how much she misses my dad. I really don’t want that reminder. 

Steve is going to be staying in the guest bedroom. Originally, that was going to be his permanent room when he moved here. However, it never worked out because he would always camp out in my room anyways. We then opted for taking his bed from his old apartment and putting it in my room, making the space fit for two. Plus, my room is the only other room with a bathroom in it. Our house has a strange layout. My mom has her master bedroom and a master bathroom, there’s the guest bedroom with no bathroom in it, a half bath in the hallway, and my room with a full bathroom in it. I guess Steve and I will still have to take showers in here even when my family comes over. Aunt Ida and Gramma Hubbard are staying in our room, so we are going to be kicked out of it. Steve and I kept arguing about who would sleep on the couch and who would sleep in the room. Steve kept saying he’d feel bad if he slept in the room and that he’s small enough to fit on the couch, while I’m way too large. I countered that by saying that the couch is leather and gets too cold, and that he’d be more comfortable in a warm bed. Eventually, after hours of argument, he finally let me get the couch. 

“We’re gonna have to start cleaning soon.” Steve groaned into his pillow. I really felt that in my soul. 

“What if we leave it a mess and they just leave?” I joked. He started to laugh. 

“Now that’s the Hanukkah spirit.” He choked through his laughs. I couldn’t help but laugh at his joke too. I guess my mom was able to smell our fun from a mile away, because she came to the door and ushered us out of the bed. She forced us to get dressed and assist her in the cleaning. 

After about two hours of cleaning, we heard a car pull up into the driveway. My mom and I looked at each other in panic. 

“ _ Shit.  _ They are early!” We said in unison. Steve just looked confused. 

“Is that bad?” He asked. My mom and I started rapidly shaking our heads yes. After I heard their feet scuffle to the front door, I ran over to Steve and planted a kiss on his lips. 

“Had to get one last one out.” I laughed. 

“Don’t worry, I’m sure we can find a way to get some more in.” He winked at me. My mom started aggressively snapping at us to shut the fuck up, and promptly opened the door. I have to admit, I’m insanely nervous. They’ve never seen me without the left arm. I don’t want them to think I’m a freak. I also don’t want them to get all sad about my dad. Another thing I’m worried about is them getting upset about Steve’s mom. Steve’s mom would always come over during New Years and Thanksgiving. Our parents became good friends once Steve and I met. I just don’t want anyone to mention it. My mom, Gramma, and Aunt immediately started hugging each other and saying how much they missed each other. I never realized how much Aunt Ida resembled my dad until now. The dark brown hair and steel blue eyes made them look like twins. In fact, even I look exactly like them. We could probably all pass as siblings. I am a spitting image of my father. 

“Oh, Bucky.” I heard my Gramma call out. I could hear the pity in her voice. I  _ really  _ hate this. 

“Hi Gramma!” I said, putting on my fakest smile. 

“Poor baby. Your poor arm.” She said while practically squeezing me to death. I heard my mom loudly cough. She probably wanted my Gramma to let go. 

“Sorry, just some allergies.” My mom choked out while winking at me. 

“Savior.” I mouthed to her. She was standing behind me, so my Gramma couldn't see. Hubbard finally let go of me and went straight to Steve. Whenever Steve was over he was the center of attention. Everyone wanted to shove food down his throat because of how small he is. He really is the main attraction. 

“Stevie! You’ve gotten so big!” Hubbard exclaimed, pulling him into an even tighter hug than mine. 

“He hasn’t grown since third grade. You must’ve gotten shorter, Gramma.” I teased. My mom then slapped the back of my head. I must’ve audibly expressed my pain, because I heard a “deserved it” come from Steve. 

“The more I see you, the more you look like you’re father. How are you doing, James?” Aunt Ida walked over and asked. One thing I hate is that my relatives call me “James”. My nickname came from Steve, and my parents just caught onto using it. Steve and I have really known each other since like first grade, so my parents were just used to hearing Bucky every time he was over. Every fiber of my being wanted me to say “great before you mentioned my dad.”, but I refrained from doing so. I didn’t need to be sassy and rude. 

“I’m doing pretty good. The whole arm thing is still strange to me though.” I said, offering her a small half smile. She grabbed my hand and put it in hers. 

“That’s fantastic to hear.” She smiled. I turned to look at Steve, but he wasn’t there. He was probably being a gentleman and picking up their luggage. He’s always been modest. I led my Gramma and Aunt to the sofa so we could have small talk there. My mom and Steve emerged from upstairs and joined us on the couch. My mom sat next to Aunt Ida, and Steve sat next to me on the end of the sofa. 

“So, how have you boys been doing. How’s living together?” My Gramma asked. 

“Fantastic!” I said way too quickly. I definitely sounded eager to answer that question. My mom choked on her tea and started laughing. 

“It’s been great. I think I’m finally starting to register that this is my home.” Steve said, immediately following it by sipping his coffee. 

“When the fuck did we make coffee?” I thought to myself. My Gramma soon interrupted my coffee thoughts. 

“It must be hard on you, Steve. Losing your mom and then George.” Both of our breaths hitched. The loss of our parents still was a sore spot for both of us. 

“Well, I’d say I’m fairly lucky. I came out of my mom’s death with both of my arms. Besides, I was already expecting her to die. I just wish it would’ve been me instead.” Steve shrugged his shoulders and took a sip of his coffee again. His eyes looked so sad. I hate that they keep bringing up his mom. 

“James, I hope I’m not intruding, but can I ask you a question?” Aunt Ida asked politely. 

“Sure. As long as it isn’t weird.” I teased. 

“Can you still feel your arm?” She looked intrigued. I thought to myself for a moment. There are times when my body registers my arm as still being a part of my body. It feel sensations like it’s there, but it’s not. I talked to my doctor about it and he said it was Phantom Limb pains. A lot of amputees have these same feelings. Thankfully, mine aren’t too painful. It could be a lot worse. I looked up and everyone looked intrigued. I feel like a contestant on a game show. 

“Yeah. Yeah I can. The feeling comes and goes. It’s really painful, mentally and physically.” I choked out. I hated admitting that I was in pain. I don’t want to be a burden. 

“I can't imagine losing my arm.” My Gramma announced. 

“Neither could I, until I lost it.” I stated. Hopefully I didn’t come off as harsh. 

“Was it painful? The car crash.” Aunt Ida asked. I know she means well, but I hate this topic. I don’t even talk about this to my mom or Steve. Most of the time I act like I can’t remember my arm practically being ripped away from me. I guess it’s only fair that I answer her question though. I took a deep breath before explaining what it was like. 

“My arm got hit directly from the impact. It was stuck under the door while the rest of my body was being tossed as a rag doll while the car flipped over. I felt like my arm was being torn apart from my body. I’m surprised it wasn’t gone before they surgically had to remove it. I remember trying to grab at Dad, but I couldn’t even move my left arm. I didn’t even want to look, it was disgusting.” I explained. That’s the most I’ve ever told anyone about losing my arm. I looked over and Steve was just staring at me in shock. In fact, everyone is. 

“Well, that answered her question.” My mom choked out. She looked pale. 

“Was he screaming?” I heard Gramma Hubbard whisper. She had tears in her eyes. I felt like I was obligated to tell them the truth. I’m the only one that could give them what they needed. They needed peace. 

“It was instant. The only screaming was mine and the other drivers.” I answered. My Gramma covered her hand against her mouth. She looked like she could cry at any minute. I was eager to get off this topic, but I didn’t know how. I turned toward Steve. I don’t know if he got what I was saying, but he couldn’t help but open his mouth to speak. 

“So, how about Pythagorean Theorem?” 


	28. Blessing.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Bucky and Steve finally discuss what Sarah told Bucky on her death bed, and Bucky’s family gets to spend quality time with Steve.

** _Chapter 28 _ **

_ _ ** _12/13/2001_ **

_ Bucky’s family has been here for about four days now. Tomorrow is the preliminary hearing for the car crash case, which they are all going to see there to watch. The suspect was charged with vehicular homicide. It was really a severe case of distracted driving. I’m not sure how a driver of an 18-wheeler would ever play on their phone while driving, especially since it was drizzling outside. The roads were wet, he was on his phone, and he crashed straight into a Honda Civic. It was basically a recipe for disaster. Going to another topic, I’ve learned a lot about Jewish foods which is cool. A popular thing that Ida and Winnifred keeps making is called latkes. They are little potato pancakes. Hubbard also keeps making (and force feeding me) sufganiyot. It’s a little jelly donut. OH I ALMOST FORGOT. Sweet noodle kugel. I don’t know if they put crack in that shit but it’s godlike. I don’t eat too much, but I could probably eat a whole pan of it. Today Bucky is teaming up with his aunts to make Matzo ball soup. They said that it would “impress his future wife.” Little do they know, I am his future wife. They also don’t know he’s gay, so I don’t think there will ever be the possibility of a future wife. I wonder when he’ll tell them he’s gay, or really when he’s going to say he’s dating me. This whole “acting like we aren’t dating” thing is a lot harder than I thought it would be. The most action I’ve gotten all week is a hug from his g r a n d m a and Tony jokingly smacking my ass. He’s kissed my cheek like one time at school and that’s it. It keeps making everyone think we are in a fight, but I just keep having to remind them that this week we are definitely not in a homosexual relationship. On top of that, Bucky and I both had to take some of our exams early today. We had to stay after school and take the exams we have to take tomorrow. It was our first and second hour exams, so mine wasn’t too bad. I’m going to the preliminary hearing tomorrow, so I’m missing school. Since exams start tomorrow we had to take them earlier than the whole school. Best Christmas present ever. I’m just glad that I’m getting a break from this hell hole soon. Our last day is the 19th and it’s only a half day. We only have our seventh hour exam that day, thank god. Before we know it, it’s going to be a completely new year. 2002! Hopefully it sucks less ass.  _

I closed my journal and jumped off of the bed. It still feels strange to be in the guest bedroom. I miss my room. I walked out of the room, immediately intrigued by the smell of the soup. Bucky is a really shitty cook, so I hope that his family is helping him a lot. I would’ve offered to help cook, but I wasn’t feeling the best. I had a really bad asthma attack in sixth hour and I’ve felt like shit since. It made it worse that I got home late. 

“Faci o mizerie!” I heard Hubbard yell out. 

“La Naiba!” Bucky yelled out, dropping matzo balls on the floor. I’m not exactly sure what he said, but his mom slapped him on the head for it. I know his Grandma speaks fluent Romanian, but the rest of the family only knows some words. They could hold a conversation, but not nearly as well as Hubbard. 

“Oh, hey Steve! Are you feeling better?” Ida asked me once she noticed me coming down the stairs. 

“Yes ma’am. I feel like I can breathe again.” I laughed. It felt like I was dying earlier. 

“Well that’s good. Feel free to watch James make a fool of himself.” Ida teased. 

“Du-te dracu!” Bucky yelled out. His mother then smacked him again. I don’t know what he’s saying, but I hope he keeps doing this because I love seeing him get slapped. 

I indeed did watch Bucky make a fool of himself. He made a giant mess. However, the Matzo ball soup came out great. I’m actually surprised that it came out so well. 

“Wow, who knew you could cook!” I exclaimed, shooting Bucky a shit eating grin. 

“I’m going to drown you.” He said, deadpanned. 

“Oh please. You wouldn’t do that. I’m your bo-“ I stopped myself before I could finish. I really hope no one caught onto that. Bucky stared at me wide-eyed. I then shoved a matzo ball in my mouth in attempt to not finish this conversation. I really wish this broth was bleach. 

“Steven.” Ida stated. I nearly choked at the way she said it. 

“Yes ma’am?” I said, my voice cracking in between words. Suddenly I hated eating at this table. 

“You seriously think we didn’t know this already?” Ida announced. I was dumbfounded. 

“Know what?” I asked, attempting to play dumb. Bucky and I were now just staring at each other with full panic in our eyes. 

“We aren’t stupid. You boys have been ogling at each other since you were young. It took us about five seconds to realize you two were a couple.” Ida explained. My whole body was in complete shock. 

“Well. Happy Hanukkah!” I blurted out. This deserved laughs from all around the table. I wasn’t exactly sure how to respond to her. 

“Why didn’t you tell us that you knew?” Bucky asked. 

“We didn’t want to make things uncomfortable.” Hubbard answered. I guess that’s a good reason. 

“So, you don’t want to shoot us?” Bucky queried. 

“No? Why would we.” Hubbard and Ida both responded. 

“No reason. No reason at all.” I answered. 

After a couple minutes, we all finished dinner. This time I offered to do the dishes. Winnifred, Ida, and Hubbard went to sit on the sofa. Bucky stayed with me in the kitchen while I was loading everything into the dishwasher. 

“Can I sleep with you tonight? My back hurts from the sofa.” Bucky whispered. 

“Sure. That’s a lame excuse to just say that you miss me though. That sofa is super comfortable.” I chuckled. I could see right through him. 

“Didn’t want to come on too strong.” Bucky said, shrugging his shoulders. 

“You have come on way stronger than that, Buck.” 

“Well, this time we have company.” 

I finished loading the last couple of things into the dishwasher, then I was off to the guest room. Bucky was trailing right behind me. 

**——————————————————**

The room was pitch black, except for the small glimmer of light from the streetlight but the window. I don’t really think Steve’s asleep, and I sure as hell know I’m not. The preliminary hearing is tomorrow, and I’m kind of nervous. However, I don’t want to think about that right now. In fact, I’m thinking about something else right now. Something I’ve wanted to tell Steve for two months, but I’ve never built up the courage to do it. 

“Steve?” I muttered into his neck. I’m just praying he’s awake. 

“What’s up?” He answered, almost immediately. 

“I want to talk to you. I want to talk to you about what your mom told me the night before she died.” I choked out. I heard him swallow his spit next to me. 

“Alright.” He responded. I really needed to get this off my chest. I swallowed hard. 

“Your mom has always known who I was. She’s always known that I’ve loved people for people, not for gender. You happen to be one of those people. Ever since I was young she’s always noticed that about me. She’s noticed how I’ve always been unbelievably intrigued by you. She noticed how I started looking at you differently when we got older. It wasn’t a look of friendship anymore, it was a look of something more. She knew I loved you before I even knew. The day she pulled me in there to talk to her she-“ I paused for a second, allowing myself to catch my breath. “She told me how much she loved me, how I was like her own child. She told me that she’s grateful for all I’ve done, but she knew that she couldn’t make it any longer. She told me that she’s trusting me to take care of you till the day I die. She was the first person to confront me on how I felt about you. She told me how much I mean to you. She told me how much I mean to her. She said that I’m the only one she’s ever trusted to be with her son, to be with you.” I finished. I felt his body shaking. 

“It was a blessing? She gave you her blessing?” He choked out, wrapping his arms around me. When she was dying, I thought it was strange for her to bring up marriage. I’m 17 and I don’t want to get married any time soon. I told her this and she responded with “I have a feeling about this, Bucky.” And kissed my forehead. 

“Yeah, she did. I didn’t want to freak you out. We’re only 17, and I’m not thinking about that until I’m way older. We have a whole life ahead of us. We are only in high school.” I stated. 

“Could you imagine a future with me?” He asked. 

“Always have, Stevie. Just I want that future to be a good while from now.” When I emerged from her room I had one thing in my pocket. Mr. Rogers wedding ring. Steve has no idea that I have it. She gave it to me. She said that Steve always wanted to have that ring when he gets married. His dad barely got to wear it, so he wanted to honor his father and his marriage. I thought it was sweet. My dad was buried with his wedding ring, but apparently Joseph wrote in his suicide note that he wanted Steve to have it. The story of the ring is sad, but I’m just glad that Sarah thought to give it to me. It makes me have butterflies in my stomach. It’s hidden deep in my dresser drawers. No one should be able to find it except for me. 

“How long have you loved me?” Steve questioned. 

“Well generally speaking, I’ve loved you since first grade.” I responded. 

“I mean, how long have you  _ loved _ me?” He asked again. He enunciated really hard on the love this time. 

“Since we were 13. I realized it when we were riding the Cyclone at Coney Island and you threw up in a trash can when we got off.” I laughed to myself. It was all true. 

“You were the only one who didn’t run away screaming. Clint looked like he was going to piss himself.” I felt Steve laugh against my body. 

“How long have you loved me?” I asked. I felt him hum while coming up with his answer. 

“Well like you said, probably since first grade. I’ve had strong feelings for you since we were sitting in Tony’s hot tub. They threatened to throw me into the freezing cold pool in the winter and instead you jumped in and called yourself a sacrifice and said you didn’t want me to get sick. You were shivering all night. That was Thursday, December 23rd, 1999. I wrote it down in my old journal.” I couldn’t help but blush at his answer. He remembered the exact date. 

“Why didn’t we start dating earlier?” I asked him. 

“I was too stupid to realize I was bi, and you were too much of a coward to ask me out.” He joked. I pinched his side, which caused him to twitch. 

“I wish I would’ve asked sooner. I like this.” I blurted out, a blush rising to my cheeks. 

“What’s this?” He teased. He always acts stupid to get you to say what’s on your mind. It’s always been his thing. 

“Lying here with you. Hearing you breathe next to me. I like it a lot. In fact, I love it. However, I don’t love when you are having an asthma attack in your sleep, and I don’t like when you shove your cold feet in between my thighs like some sort of monster.” I explained. As soon as I said the last part, he shoved his cold feet in between my thighs. 

“I love you, jerk.” He said while nuzzling his face into my neck. 

“I love you more, punk.”


	29. Pyrex Pans.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Bucky finally has his Preliminary Hearing for his own trial, Steve steals all of Bucky’s lunch, Clint finally stops being a coward, and Winnifred drops a glass pan onto Steve’s foot (because Steve can never catch a break).

** _Chapter 29 _ **

Today was the day of my preliminary hearing. The day that I had to explain the pain that I went through in front of the court. The gang all insisted that they could come for support, but I didn’t want them to see me so upset. The only reason Steve is coming is because he’s like family to me, and both him and my mom have to talk about my state in the hospital. I’m not really excited about all of this, but I have no other choice. I really can’t go back, because now we are in front of the courthouse. If it wasn’t for Steve holding my hand, I’d probably vomit and run. The preliminary hearing soon began, and I was soon being ushered to speak about the set of events that happened. I explained it all like it was some strange story. 

“My dad and I were in the car coming home from the grocery store. He was driving and I was sitting in the back seat on the left side. I never liked sitting in the passenger's seat. My mom told me a story about how she went through a windshield when she was younger, and for some reason I can never sit in the passenger's seat. My dad and I were just having a normal conversation. He was asking me about how a date went, and that’s when I saw it from out of the corner of my eye. I screamed as loud as I could, and then before I knew it we were rolling over. We probably rolled about six times. From the way the impact hit, it hit the very back of the left rear side of the car, which forced my dad to hit the steering wheel with a lot of force. The force was so hard that it caused his death. My left arm got a lot of the impact from the 18-wheeler and the rolling, and at first it got stuck in between the crushed indent of the door and the seat. It got ripped out on probably the third spin, and even then I knew something was wrong. It felt like it had been completely torn apart. I was screaming for my dad and trying to get him up, but I was too weak and I passed out. The next thing I remember is waking up and having no left arm.” I explained to everyone. I was surprised I wasn’t asked any questions while I was telling the story. 

“How did you know that my defendant was on his phone while driving?” The criminal defense lawyer asked. 

“He told the police officer on the scene, sir. It’s written in the report.” I responded. He didn’t even have a response for that. “Quite the criminal defense lawyer.” I thought to myself. I was finally released from the witness stand, and then it was Steve’s turn to go up. He just had to describe my condition in the hospital, and that was it. 

“We probably got there at about 7:00 PM and stayed there all night. When we got there, we weren’t even allowed to see him. I saw him from the window, and all I could see was his mangled left arm. He’s left hand dominant so I knew how much this would impact him. The nurse came out and told us how he wouldn’t be able to use his left arm, so she came to ask us if they could amputate it. Winnifred gave them verbal consent to amputate it. After he got out of surgery and woke up, it was more of a psychological pain that he was experiencing. He asked us if his dad was alright, and then we explained that he indeed did pass. This isn’t a car accident end he can just forget about. He’s constantly reminded about the foolish actions of one individual through the loss of his father and arm.” Steve finally finished. After that, my mom soon testified and explained the exact same things Steve said. The defendant then pleaded guilty. We would have to wait for the actual trial to get his jail time. However I do know vehicular homicide could land you in jail for 3 to 15 years. It’s absolutely brutal. We then started to gather ourselves out of the courtroom, and we walked to the car. 

“Anyone hungry?” My mom asked. All of us immediately nodded our heads yes. Aunt Ida looked the most eager for food. She didn’t even eat breakfast this morning. My mom then drove us to our favorite Sushi place. Gramma and Aunt Ida have never tried sushi before, so this is new for them. It doesn’t take long for us to order. Mom always orders the spicy tuna roll, I always order the rainbow roll, and Steve always orders the crunchy roll. Aunt Ida and Gramma Hubbard both opted for California rolls. As soon as we get the food, we all dig in. We all have our own rolls, but that doesn’t stop Steve from stealing some of mine. 

“Steven Grant Rogers, I swear to god if you don’t stop eating my rolls.” I slapped my chopsticks against his wrist. It immediately left a red mark. 

“James Buchanan Barnes! Let him eat it! He’s too skinny anyways!” Gramma Hubbard angrily exclaimed. I immediately rolled my eyes. 

“Yeah, Buchanan. I’m too skinny.” He said, immediately grabbing a roll off of my plate again. He knows this pisses me off, because he knows I don’t like crunchy rolls. 

“Eat your own food, Captain Little Ass.” I said. This caused my mom to choke on her sprite and snort. She always seems to be drinking something when someone says something funny. 

“Okay, wow. Kind of rude.” He said, finally eating his own sushi roll. 

“I’ll tell you what’s rude. Eating the majority of  _ my  _ meal!” I announced. Everyone at the table started laughing. 

“Babe, whatever is mine is yours, and whatever is yours is mine. It’s called being in a relationship.” He said. 

“He’s not wrong.” Aunt Ida responded, her shit eating grin looked just like mine. 

“Eat shit.” With that, I shoved my roll in my mouth. 

**[Incoming call: Hawkeye 3:44 PM] **

“Buck! Your phone is going off!” I shouted to Bucky from the living room. I heard him run down the stairs and come to get it. He saw that it was Clint, and then immediately answered it. 

“Did you do it?” He asked. I heard muttering from the other end of the line, and then I saw Bucky’s face light up. “That amazing man. I’m so happy for you.” I couldn’t help but feel confused. They talked for about thirty minutes, and then finally hung up. I’ve never been more eager to ask about something, until my phone started going off. 

**[Incoming call: Black Widow 4:16 PM] **

I immediately answered. Natasha hates calling people, so it’s strange that she would call me. 

“STEVE! YOU’VE MISSED SO MUCH TODAY!” Natasha practically screamed into the phone. I thought she would bust my eardrum. 

“Did someone die? You never get this excited.” I asked. I am right. She never  _ ever  _ gets this excited. She wasn’t even this excited after she found out her deadbeat dad was going to spend the rest of his life in jail. She’s adopted by a single man named Nick Fury. He’s pretty cool. He has a whole eyepatch thing going on. He has one other adoptive daughter, and her name is Maria Hill. She’s only two years older than Natasha, and she’s pretty nice. 

“Clint asked me out on a date! Like an actual date!” Natasha exclaimed. She was practically squealing, and I’m pretty damn scared. 

“That’s great! I’m surprised he actually was man enough to do it.” I stated. We’ve always known about his thing for Natasha, but he’s never acted on it for as long as we’ve known him. 

“We are going out tomorrow night! I could explode right now.” Now I’m really scared. She’s never this happy. She’s more of the “I’m gonna beat your ass” type. 

“I’m surprised Fury won’t kill him. That’s a shocker.” I laughed. 

“Well, he's always had a soft spot for Barton.” She admitted. 

“Probably because he’s partially deaf.” I joked. 

“They understand each other. Why do we know so many half disabled people?” She asked. 

“I have no idea, Nat.” I responded. 

“Well, I have to go. Love you, buttercup.” Natasha teased. 

“Love you more, Princess.” I joked back. This has always been an ongoing joke between us two. I then pressed end on the call. 

**[Call ended with Black Widow 4:29 PM]**

I set down my phone and turned to Bucky. 

“Damn, I didn’t realize it would take them this long to go out together.” I laughed. 

“You do realize how long we took, right?” He joked. 

“You do have a point.” I nodded my head and said. 

“This makes three couples in the friend group.” Bucky stated. 

“Good job! You can count!” I teased.

“Oh don’t be a smartass.” Bucky said, punching my arm. 

“Buck, When am I not a smartass?” I asked. 

“You got me there.” He laughed. I’ve probably been a smartass my whole life. I’m surprised he hasn’t killed me yet. 

“We should probably help your family prepare dinner.” I then got up from the couch and pulled him up with me. He really didn’t have a choice. 

“If you say so.” 

**——————————————————**

“HOLY FUCK!” I screamed at the top of my lungs. Winnifred was grabbing a glass Pyrex pan from off the cabinet, and it slipped through her fingers and fell on the floor. Luckily for her, it dropped away from her. However, I was never that lucky and now I have tons of glass in my foot. I only walk around the house in my socks, and the glass easily penetrated the fabric. I’m not sure how the Pyrex pan fell on  _ my  _ foot. Now I probably broke the top of my foot, and there’s now a bunch of glass in my foot. Once I screamed, everyone else ran in from the living room. Winnifred and I offered to cook tonight, and now we can see that it was a mistake. The fabric of my sock was sticking to my skin because of my blood. I wasn’t sure to move or not. If I moved my right foot, I’d step in glass. I’m actually surprised that there’s no glass in my right foot. It must’ve been because of the way I was standing. 

“Oh, holy shit.” Ida cursed. They were all staring at my left foot. I probably looked pale right now too. I’ve always been queasy about blood, even if it was my own. 

“You know, this kind of hurts.” I chuckled. Humor is the best coping mechanism. 

“I’m gonna grab a broom and sweep around him so we can get him out of this mess.” Bucky said, fast walking towards the garage. I leaned my head back and took in a deep breath. This is probably the most pain I’ve ever been in. 

“I’m so so sorry, Steve. I didn’t mean to drop it. My hands must have had oil on it. I’m so sorry.” Winnie apologized. I could tell that she felt awful about this. 

“It’s fine. I’m fine.” I comforted her. I was too scared to move, so I didn’t hug her. Bucky they walked in and started aggressively sweeping. I didn’t even want to look down at my foot. I raised my leg so that I wasn’t putting pressure on it, but I still felt the blood pooling in my sock. This feeling is disgusting. It was all soggy and gross. I hated this feeling. Bucky dumped all the glass into the trash can, and then let me use his shoulder as leverage. I was hopping on one foot, while hanging onto him. He sat me down on the couch and propped my foot on his knee. 

“Can I take off your sock?” He asked from beneath me. 

“It might ruin the carpet.” I responded. I feel like I could pass out. 

“Quite frankly, fuck the carpet.” Winnifred announced from the back of the sofa. I chuckled. Bucky then began to gently take off the sock, and then set it down on the carpet. 

“That’s definitely going to leave a stain.” I mumbled. I didn’t mean to mumble, it just feels like I’m going to pass out. The whole room feels like it’s spinning. 

“Ma, get him water and a cold rag. It would be a pain in the ass if he would pass out right now.” Bucky ordered. His mother complied, and got me a cup of water and a cold rag. She put it down on my forehead. He soon had to let Winnifred take over. They needed someone with two hands to apply pressure for it to stop bleeding. They told me that after they get the bleeding under control they’ll bring me to the emergency room. 

“Merry freaking Christmas!” I groggily exclaimed. 

“Actually it’s Hanukkah.” Bucky joked. At least we could find some fun out of this situation. 

“Ida, can you hold onto Steve’s right side? I think James can handle the left.” Winnifred asked. 

“Yes ma’am, I can.” Ida responded. Bucky and Ida gently lifted me from the sofa, and helped me keep my balance. I already know what’s going to happen. I know for sure I fractured my big toe, probably badly bruised or broke the top of my foot, and had a deep cut in various parts of my foot. Bucky and Ida then placed me in the car. They put me in the middle seat. Bucky sat on my left, Ida sat on my right, and Hubbard sat in the passenger's seat. Winnifred was driving. I’m not sure why  _ everyone  _ had to come, but the more the merrier. I set my head down on Bucky’s shoulder. I felt really drowsy, and I was in a lot of pain. I just wanted to lie down, but now I’m being dragged to a hospital. I felt him put an arm around my shoulder and pull me closer. 

“You doing okay, punk?” He asked me. He sounded concerned. 

“Depends on your definition of okay.” I responded, shoving my face deeper into his shoulder. My foot felt like it was on fire. 

“I’m sorry, Steve. This year really has sucked, huh.” Bucky responded while squeezing me tighter. The position was kind of awkward since we were in a car, but that was okay. 

“No kidding. I probably would’ve died if I was you two.” Hubbard chimed in from the front. 

“Thanks Gramma!” Bucky chuckled. I saw the hospital lights reflect off the windows of the car. I just hope that the wait isn’t too long. I wanted to get this over with. 


	30. Honda Civic.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Steve is still recovering from his foot injury, the gang™️ goes to study for exams at Natasha’s house, Steve helps prepare Natasha for her date, and Steve gets an early Christmas present from the Barnes’.

** _Chapter 30 _ **

“Well, yesterday certainly was eventful.” I said, turning to face Bucky. We both had just woken up, so we both definitely had bed head. 

“Tell me about it.” Bucky groaned, shoving his face back into his pillow. I shifted over and wrapped my arms around his waist. For having such broad shoulders and such a wide back his waist was really small. He also has really small wrists. Sam always calls him “baby wrists.” It’s kind of adorable. With the mention of our friends, I suddenly remembered that we made plans to go over to Natasha’s to study for our algebra exam. Tony, Bucky, and I were all going over. Natasha also asked me to help her get ready for her date. Apparently they are going to a pretty nice restaurant. She asked me to do her makeup, which I’ve found out that I’m good at. I guess since I’m good at art it just transferred over. I’m just really happy that she asked me to do it, and I’m mostly just happy for her. She deserves happiness as much as we do. Plus, Clint has liked her for years. I’m surprised he finally pulled the trigger. 

“Buck, we need to get up.” I said while nudging at his ribs. He groaned into his pillow. 

“No thank you. Besides, you shouldn’t be walking on your foot anyways.” He mumbled into his pillow. We found out yesterday that I broke my big toe and severely bruised the top of my foot. The glass all around my foot caused me to have 11 stitches in total. It really wasn’t too bad. It could’ve been a lot worse. They just wrapped my foot and gave me crutches. There really isn’t anything you can do for a broken toe anyways. I’ve just been instructed that I can’t wear shoes or mess with the stitches. 

“That’s a really stupid excuse, babe. Besides, we agreed to go to Nat’s.” I said nudging his ribs yet again. 

“I don’t wannaaaa.” He whined. He sounds like a two year old. He still had his face shoved into his pillow. 

“Well I don’t want to see you fail. Now get up, jerk.” I then also stood up and used the headboard of the bed for leverage. Bucky finally flipped over onto his back and looked at me. 

“You suck.” He said, sticking out his tongue. He really  _ is  _ a five year old. 

“How would you know?” I teased. As soon as I finished that sentence, he tossed a pillow at me. 

“You  _ dog.  _ That’s nasty.” He chuckled. 

“Just get up, jerk.” I laughed while tossing the pillow back. 

It only took us a couple minutes to both get ready. I came out of the room before Bucky did, and I noticed how chipper everyone was this morning. 

“Good morning, Steve!” Winnifred said cheerfully. 

“Did I hit my head last night or something?” I asked. They all looked at me in confusion. 

“Well I sure hope not. I don’t think we need to add that to the medical list.” Ida joked. 

“You guys just seem really happy.” I responded. I wasn’t quite sure what to say. 

“Is there something wrong with that?” Hubbard asked. I felt my face heat up. 

“No ma’am! I was just confused that’s all.” I answered while scratching my neck. I’m starting to develop that habit from watching Bucky. 

Bucky finally came downstairs and we all started eating breakfast. Soon after Tony pulled up and we went out the door. Everyone was acting really weird this morning, and it was throwing me off guard. I was probably just overthinking everything. It’s just that I’ve never seen them look so excited. The Barnes family isn’t very emotional, so it was really strange to see emotion on Ida and Hubbard’s faces. Bucky also seemed oddly happy today. It made me question what was going on. 

**——————————————————**

**[Ma <3 11:56 AM] You are sure he has no idea, right? **

**[Bucky 11:56 AM] absolutely positive. He hasn’t suspected a thing. **

**[Ma <3 11:57 AM] that’s super. I hope it stays that way. Love you! **

**[Bucky 11:57 AM] Love you too. **

“Who are you texting?” Natasha asked. I was supposed to be listening to Steve explain exponential and logarithmic expressions, but I was too excited to concentrate. My mom and I have been saving for about a month and a half to get Steve a car. Ever since we got the insurance from my dad’s totaled car we decided that’s what we wanted to do with it. My mom originally offered it to me, but I don’t really feel like driving. I already hated the idea of driving, and the crash definitely didn’t help that. However, Steve has always talked about driving. His mom never had a car, but he’s always wanted one. Originally that’s what we wanted to use his inheritance money on, but then he realized he should probably save it for college instead. He decided that having a car was just a desire and a privilege. My family doesn’t celebrate Christmas, but we wanted to give him his car for Christmas anyways. However, I’m a really impatient person, so I convinced my mom to let us give it to him as an early Christmas present. I wanted him to be able to drive it to school. We just need to take him to the DMV after school on Monday to get his license. He already knows how to drive pretty well. His mom never had a car to drive, but my dad did. Every couple of weekends my dad would take Steve and I to drive the car. I never took my dad’s offer, but Steve definitely did. I’d say Steve is a pretty good driver, but then again I don’t even know how to drive. 

“I’m just texting my mom.” I responded to Natasha. 

“What about?” Steve said, looking up at me. I hate lying to Steve, so I really have no idea what I could come up with. I tried to think of anything, but I just came up with the dumbest response ever. 

“Dinner tonight.” I choked out. Tony immediately started laughing at me. Natasha and Steve looked at me like I was crazy. 

“Pay attention, please.” Steve said. He definitely was annoyed. 

After studying for about two hours and bullshitting for another two, Steve and Natasha both decided that it was time for her to get dressed. Quite frankly, I’m surprised Fury is even letting her go out with Clint. Fury didn’t even look like he trusted the three of us going up with Natasha to her room, and two out of the three of us are gay. I just hope that we are done soon. I need Tony to drop us off before my mom gets to the house with the car. It’s the same type of car that my dad had, 2000 Honda Civic. However, this time we chose the color navy blue. Navy blue has been Steve’s favorite color since I’ve known him. I knew that this would be a great car for him. It’s a really early gift, but I’m sure he’ll appreciate the gesture. The bathroom door then opened, interrupting my car thoughts. 

“She’s getting dressed. The dress she chose is really pretty.” Steve said as he was walking over. Even though there was plenty of room on the game room couch, he decided to sit on my lap. We decided to move the party to Natasha’s game room so she could have a bathroom to get ready in. Plus this room is closer to the kitchen, and Tony kept sneaking in the kitchen to smuggle us Fury’s chocolate chip cookies. Natasha then walked out of the bathroom. She was wearing a form fitting black dress. It was simple, but she looked breathtaking in it. Tony whistled next to me. 

“Hot damn. Clint won’t be able to keep his eyes off of you.” Tony exclaimed. She looked amazing, not to mention how well Steve did on her makeup and hair. He straightened her normally wavy hair and put it in a half up half down. Her makeup was natural and beautiful, and the dark dress went amazing with her fair skin tone. She definitely was dressed to impress. 

“Well, I hope Clint cleans up well.” I teased. Just then the doorbell rang. Natasha grabbed her purse off the couch. 

“I guess we are about to find out.” Natasha said. 

After about ten minutes of talking with each other, Clint and Natasha finally left. We gathered up all of our stuff from inside, thanked Fury, and then also left. Steve sat in the front seat next to Tony and I couldn’t help but stare at him. The sunlight was hitting him and he looked flawless. His blue eyes were practically sparkling, and his blonde hair looked even blonder in this light. 

“God he’s so cute.” I said to myself. The excitement of today definitely made me soften up. 

Before I knew it, Tony dropped us off at the house and we walked inside. It was dark, and no one else was here. It was absolutely perfect. Everything is going according to plan. Steve plopped himself down onto the sofa. 

“That math was fucking exhausting.” He said while rubbing his temples. I plopped down next to him. 

“Tell me about it.” I replied. 

“You weren’t even listening to me half of the time, Bucky.” Steve chuckled. I love his laugh so much. 

“Hey! I was listening to you most of the time!” I exclaimed. I felt deeply insulted by these accusations. 

“Mhm sure you were.” He said, while planting a kiss on my lips. It was soft and gentle, just like him. As he was backing away, I pulled him in again. 

“I love you.” I told him as we pulled away for the second time. 

“I love you too, you absolute dork.” He giggled. 

“How’s your foot?” I asked. I still felt bad for him. It probably hurts like hell. 

“It hurts, but it’s tolerable. It’s pretty moderate pain. I probably could walk on it.” He responded. He got up to try it, and I pulled him right back onto the sofa. 

“Don’t even think about it, Rogers.” 

“Or what?” 

Just as I was going to respond, I heard the cars pull up. My mom and I agreed to keep Steve’s car’s engine running so he didn’t hear the lock alarm go off. Somehow we were gonna have to lure him outside. My grandma then opened the door and walked into the house. 

“Sorry to bother you boys, but can you boys come outside? We need some help getting some things out of the car.” She explained. Steve was selfless, so we knew he’d come out even if he was on crutches. The bait did indeed work, and he came out to be greeted with a new, shiny car. 

“Did you get a new car, Winnie?” Steve asked. He looked so excited at the fact that it was my mom’s car. If only he knew it was actually  _ his. _

“Actually you got a new car, Stevie.” My mom responded, beaming. 

“No I didn’t.” He said while shaking his head no. 

“Yes. Yes you did.” My mom responded. She walked over and placed the car key in his hands. I saw his eyes welling up with tears. 

“I can't accept this. I don’t deserve this.” His voice cracked. He hates crying in front of people, so he’s probably dying right now. 

“Steve, yes you can and yes you do.” I replied. The tears started rolling down his cheeks even faster. 

“I don’t know what to say.” He choked out. He started wiping his tears with his sweater sleeves. 

“Maybe a thank you?” Aunt Ida joked. 

“Thank you, Winnie. Thank you so much.” He said between sobs. He held his face in his hands. 

“Don’t only thank me. I couldn’t have done this without Bucky’s help.” My mom smirked. My mom and I both put up some money for this. 

“Bucky you didn’t have to. You really didn’t have to.” He cried. I walked over to him and pulled him into a hug. I completely knocked his crutch out from under his arm, but I really didn’t care. 

“I know I didn’t have to, but I wanted to.” I said. He started crying even harder when I said that. 

“I don’t have my license.” He choked out between sobs. This caused all of us to laugh. 

“We’re gonna take you to get it, Steve.” This visibly eased him, until another thought crossed his mind. 

“What about my foot?” He asked. 

“You don’t need your left foot to drive.” I said while smiling. 

“We’re taking you on Monday after school. The DMV isn’t open on Sundays and you need to take your license exam.” Winnifred stated. Sadly, I can’t go with them. I have cross country practice afterschool and I’m just going to get a ride with Clint home. I somehow convinced him to try out with me. He runs really well, so it wasn’t hard for him to get on the team. 

Steve finally pulled away from me. His eyes were red and puffy, and he was wiping his nose with his sleeve. 

“You guys really didn’t have to.” Steve said again. 

“You’ve helped us a lot, Stevie. We were more than happy to do this for you.” My mom said to him. She pulled him into a tight hug. 

I think that night was the best night of our lives. We all sat around the table playing rummikub (Steve somehow kept winning), and we all talked about how grateful we are to have each other. I thought that having my Gramma and Aunt here would be awful, but it turns out it was amazing. I finally feel like I have a family again. 


	31. Right Hand Blue.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The gang™️ hangs out at Tony’s house for their annual Christmas party, Steve drives, and everyone plays intense twister.

** _Chapter 31 _ **

** _ 12/22/2001 _ **

_ Jesus, I really haven’t written in this thing in a while. A basic run down of what happened: I passed all of my exams, successfully survived Hanukkah, I was taken out of my cast and I’m just lightly walking on my foot, and I now have a license and a car. Bucky however, still hasn’t successfully survived the Christmas season yet, failed three of his exams, and keeps making me drive him places. Today we plan on going to Tony’s. We are doing our whole friendship Christmas get together. All of us agreed not to buy any gifts. Most of us come from some pretty poor families, so we couldn’t really afford something for everyone. Instead we opted for bringing food. I decided to make Black Forest Gateau. It’s basically like a chocolate cherry layered cake. I’m not very keen on chocolate, but Bucky loves it. He especially loves dark chocolate. I love making baked goods, so I was more than happy to make it for him. Besides, everyone loves when I make cakes. The drive to Tony’s house is just going to be interesting. Bucky is going to have to hold the cake, which is a bit hard for him considering he only has one arm. Speaking of Bucky, he is probably waiting for me downstairs. I really need to get going. Till next time, journal.  _

I grabbed my sweater from my bed post, and started making my way downstairs. I had guessed correctly. Bucky was indeed waiting for me downstairs, standing right next to the cake. He was probably waiting for me to carry it outside and put it on his lap in the car. Winnifred heard us starting to leave, and came out to tell us goodbye. She’s never failed to tell me goodbye. I think it's because she regrets not telling George “goodbye” before he left. 

“Be careful, Steve. It’s raining a good bit out there.” She warned, while planting a kiss on my cheek. 

“I will, Mrs. Barnes. I swear.” I promised her. I always made sure to drive carefully. She then repeated the same gesture to Bucky, and we headed out the door. I went to open the left back door for him, but before I knew it, he got into the passengers seat. 

“You aren’t sitting in the back?” I asked, cocking my head to the right side. It’s always been a habit of mine. Whenever I ask a question I lean my head to the right. 

“Thought I would shake things up a bit. I always need to try something new.” He said while buckling himself in. After he strapped himself in, I handed him the cake and he set it on his lap. I then went around the car and got into my seat. I started the car, and we were soon off to Tony’s. It doesn’t take too long to get there, so he only had to hold the cake for a little bit. We were soon there, and the fun soon began. 

**——————————————————**

“This may be the dumbest fucking thing you two have ever done.” Natasha stated. 

“This is gonna get me mad pussy though.” Bucky responded. I immediately rolled my eyes and crossed my arms. I’m not sure why that comment pissed me off so much. Oh wait! I know why! I’m  _ his  _ fucking  _ boyfriend. _

“Bucky, you’re gay.” Wanda announced. 

“I’m bi, Wanda. Big difference.” He responded. 

“Bucky, you’re taken.” Wanda snapped back. 

“It was just a  _ joke!”  _ Bucky exclaimed. 

“If you keep talking, I’m gonna put the bleach in your eyes.” Tony said. Tony and Bucky were both bleaching each other’s hair. I’m not exactly sure when they both thought of this, but they indeed have started. Pepper was blaring music in the background. Whenever she was blaring music, it normally meant she was pissed off. Right now she’s blaring “Say My Name” by Destiny’s Child. Of course, Bucky was singing along. I could only assume that she was pissed off at the fact that Tony was bleaching his hair. She’s always liked his dark brown hair. I walked over to her. I definitely could understand her. I’ve always loved Bucky’s dark hair too. It’s always complimented his eyes really well. I plopped on the couch. As soon as I sat down “No Scrubs” by TLC came on. Bucky started singing again, this time with the company of Clint. I set my hand down on Pepper’s shoulder. 

“Well, you look pissed off.” I chuckled. It’s probably stupid that we are annoyed, but I think we both wish they would’ve told us. They are going to look like the two biggest cunts in the planet. 

“He’s going to completely ruin his hair.” She said, while rubbing her temples. “It’s so soft, Steve.” I started to chuckle. 

“I feel you. Bucky is going to regret this in the morning.” I laughed. I’m not even going to lie, Bucky definitely had some drinks. In fact, everyone really had, except for me and Pepper. I didn’t want to take any chances. I’m always sick anyways and I don’t need to add alcohol to it. Pepper just hated alcohol. She hated the smell, and the way it felt. To be completely honest, we are probably the most responsible. We all were sleeping over anyways, so we didn’t have to worry about drunk driving. The drinking is definitely still illegal, but at least we aren’t going out anywhere. 

“We shouldn’t be letting them make drunk decisions.” Pepper stated. 

“Something tells me they wanted to do this before they were drunk.” I said, while getting up from off of the sofa. I walked over to the radio and turned on Christmas music. I wanted it to be at least a little festive. 

“Fuck yeah, Little Drummer Boy. That’s my jam.” Rhodey said while smacking Sam on the back. This caused Sam to choke on his water. 

“You know, Tony. This fucking stings.” Bucky laughed. We have all discovered that he laughs a lot when he drinks. 

“It’s bleach you idiot. Of course it’s going to burn.” Tony said, while sitting down. It was now Bucky’s turn to do Tony’s hair. I couldn’t help but sigh. They were totally ruining their hair. They both have no idea what the hell they are doing. 

“Well, they are complete dumbasses.” Clint stated while plopping on the sofa. Natasha soon followed. 

“Tell me about it.” I groaned. 

“Do you have all day?” Natasha teased. 

“I can hear you guys!” Tony exclaimed. 

“No one was exactly hiding it. You  _ are  _ rather dumb.” Loki announced. I’m glad we were all bonding over how stupid they are. 

Bucky and Tony finally were done, and were washing the bleach out. As soon as they came out, we started making fun of them. 

“Bucky, your hair is the color of Swiss cheese!” Sam exclaimed, doubling over in laughter. This caused everyone around us to erupt in laughter. I was laughing so hard that I grabbed at my chest. I thought I would piss myself. 

“Why the  _ fuck  _ does your hair look like the color of Kraft Mac and Cheese!” Bruce pointed at Tony. I thought all the laughing would give me an asthma attack. 

“You guys look like fucking ken dolls.” Pietro said while slapping his knees. Bucky and Tony’s faces were both beet red. 

“Alright, Alright get your laughs in.” Tony announced. 

“You look like Britney Spears on crack!” I mustered out in between wheezes. Sam choked on his water again. 

“I’m debating bringing your car back.” Bucky said, deadpanned. 

“I’m debating bringing your  _ arm  _ back.” I responded. This must have shocked him, because his mouth flew open.

“Wow, that was rude!” He announced. Tony and Bucky walked to the sofa to sit down. Tony sat down next to Pepper, and Clint scooted to let Bucky sit next to me. Of course, he sat on my left. Clint looked really cramped next to Natasha, so I then got up and opted to sit on Bucky’s lap. He didn’t seem to mind. I didn’t weigh much, so I knew it wouldn’t annoy him. 

We all sat talking for about an hour and a half, until Clint announced his boredom. Tony then brought up playing “Twister” and we all agreed. We divided ourselves into two teams. 

**Team 1- Tony, Pepper, Rhodey, Bruce, Thor, Pietro, and Natasha **

**Team 2- Me, Bucky, Sam, Clint, Wanda, and Loki. **

We allowed Team 1 to have an extra person because we thought they needed the extra braincell. We all agreed to not really play it by the rules, though. We all thought it would be better to make up our own rules. We decided that each team will individually go, and the winner from each team will go up against each other at the end. It was really interesting, but we were making it work. They voted me to be the referee for Team 1. After a couple of minutes, Pepper was the first one out. Soon following was Thor and Pietro. Tony was doing surprisingly well, for being shitfaced drunk. 

“Right foot yellow.” I announced. With that, Bruce and Rhodey fell over. It was really awkward for them. They both were sprawled over the mat. Natasha and Tony were both a lot more tactical with their twister approach. However, after a few more minutes Natasha finally crumbled to the ground. All of us were pretty shocked that Tony won. After we straightened up the mat again, it was our turn to go. We chose Bruce to be our referee. 

In the first couple of minutes, Loki and Clint were out. I was surprised it wasn’t me that got out first. 

“Right hand blue!” Bruce announced. As I was bending over to reach the blue, Bucky slapped my ass. I looked down and realized I was wearing navy blue shorts. 

“THAT SHOULD BE IMMEDIATE DISQUALIFICATION!” Natasha yelled through her laughing. I felt my face turn bright red. He totally slapped my ass in front of everyone. Bucky then accepted his fate, and allowed himself to be disqualified. Now Sam, Wanda, and I were left. It only took a couple minutes for Sam to get out. Sam was also completely wasted. I’m not really sure why they did that to themselves, but it’s none of my business anyways. Wanda and I were the last ones standing, and then she finally gotten taken out with the “left foot on green” action. I genuinely was surprised that I won. 

“Hey! That’s my boyfriend!” Bucky exclaimed proudly. 

“We know. You slapped his ass in front of everyone.” Loki groaned. 

Tony soon met me on the twister mat of doom. We chose Natasha to be the ref for this match. 

“You ready to go down, kid?” Tony asked. 

“In your dreams, asshole.” I smirked. 

“Right foot red!” Natasha announced. Tony and I both followed her instructions. It was then followed by a left foot green. I was so short, that this was nearly a split for me. Tony was on the other side of the mat, so we were mirroring each other. 

“Left hand blue!” She announced again. I tactfully moved my hand to the closest blue I could reach, making sure that my right hand wasn’t touching any other colors. Tony did the same thing, almost as if he was copying me. This was then followed by a right hand green. I was hoping for this, because Tony was so drunk that he was off balance. This move caused him to immediately fall to the ground and lose. I also proceeded to drop to the ground afterwards. Holding myself up in the position was really awkward. My ass was in the air, and I’m pretty sure it wasn’t a good sight. I checked the clock on my wrist. It read “3:19 AM.” My tiredness finally hit me. I was completely worn out. 

“Hey, I’m turning in for the night. I’ll probably be asleep on the living room couch.” I told Wanda. I didn’t want them to wonder where I went. It seemed like they were going to hang around in the game room for a while, and I didn’t want to hold back the fun. I then walked to the living room and plopped on the couch. I’m not sure what rich people’s couches are made of, but this was insanely comfortable. The room around me was slowly starting to fade and I finally fell asleep. 


	32. Merry Freaking Christmas.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It’s finally Christmas! It’s Bucky and Steve’s first Christmas together and they made sure to give each other the perfect gifts.

** _Chapter 32 _ **

“You’re sure he won’t find this weird?” I asked my mom. She was in the middle of cooking us breakfast. It was Steve’s first Christmas with us and we wanted to make it special for him. 

“Trust me, the only thing weird is your hair.” My mom said, tugging on the now bleach blonde hair. She nearly killed me when I came home. Steve wasn’t exactly happy either. He was kind of right; I looked like a complete cunt. 

“Should I wake him up? Is that a thing people do on Christmas?” I asked, while scratching my neck. Scratching my neck has always been my nervous tick, and I definitely was nervous. Steve thought that the car was just his gift from me, but he thought wrong. I wanted to do something else for Steve. It took a lot of thinking, but I finally thought of the perfect gift. Sarah gave me Joseph’s ring, and I was never really sure what to do with it. Of course I knew what she meant, but I wasn’t sure what to do with it for the time being. Then I finally thought of it. For now, I converted it into a necklace to give to him. I knew how special it was to him, so I didn’t want to keep this from him for any longer. I just hope he enjoys it and doesn’t find it weird. 

“James Buchanan, it’s going to be okay!” She said, yanking my hand away from my neck. 

“Sorry, just nervous.” I smiled, my hand was still in her hand. 

“Nervous about what?” I heard Steve groggily say while walking down the staircase. His voice is always really deep when he first wakes up. 

“Nothing!” My mom announced. I mentally thanked her. I didn’t want to come off as weird. 

“Alright then,” Steve began. “Merry Christmas!” He exclaimed. His favorite part of the year has always been Christmas time. He loves all the lights and all the music. I’m not complaining; I love seeing him all happy. It’s a nice change of pace. 

“Right back at you.” I responded while walking over to him. I planted a kiss on his lips. He smelled like mint. 

“Not in front of the bacon, kids!” My mom announced. 

“It’s dead.” I spun around and answered. I heard Steve chuckle next to me. He was practically glowing today. My mom gestured for us to sit down at the table, so we followed her. 

“While we eat, can I at least hand around presents? I don’t think I can last any longer!” He asked, practically jumping in his chair. 

“I mean, if you want to!” Mom responded. With that, he practically ran out of his chair, and ran up the stairs. A couple minutes passed, and then he finally returned with two small boxes. He quickly walked back to the table and set both of them down in front of their respective owners. 

“I-It’s not a lot, but it’s something. I’m sorry I couldn’t get more.” He stuttered. He looked insanely flustered. I immediately pulled my gift out of my pocket. It was wrapped in blue snowflake wrapping paper. 

“Do you want to open yours first?” I asked. I felt like it would be polite to offer. 

“No thank you. You two can go first.” He said while running his hands along his thighs. He was visibly nervous. My mom started to rip her wrapping paper first, revealing a little earring box. She opened it up, and a note fell out. As she was reading it I noticed her eyes tearing up. Something tells me it was a little heartfelt note to her. 

“Steven, these are beautiful!” She exclaimed, bending forwards to offer him a kiss on the cheek. I must’ve looked curious, because she turned the box towards me. Inside of it was a pair of diamond and pearl earrings. A couple months ago we all went to the mall together, and my mom expressed her love for those earrings. That was back when Sarah was alive. I was surprised he remembered that specific pair. 

“I’m really glad you like them! I was scared that you’d forget about it.” He blushed. My mom smiled back at him, and then stared at me. 

“Open yours, Buck.” She told me. I did as she said, and started to peel the wrapping paper. It revealed a black box with the words “Michael Kors” across it. I immediately knew what was in it. For the past couple of years, I’ve always wanted a nice watch. I’ve specifically wanted a silver Michael Kors watch, but they’ve always been so expensive. I never wanted to ask anyone for it, so I’ve been saving up as much money as possible. Even now I still wanted a nice watch. I finally opened up the box, with the help of Steve, and I saw what was inside. It was a silver Michael Kors watch. Sure enough, on top of it was a little note to me written from Steve. 

_ “~Bucky~  _

_ This past year has been absolutely insane. In just one year, I’ve lost almost everything. I lost my mom, my childhood home, and the closest thing I had to a father. I’ve lost so much, but I still haven’t lost one thing. You. Despite all the death surrounding us, I still haven’t lost you. This year was absolute trash, but for some reason you make me feel like everything will be okay. You’re the only one I imagine a future with, because you are my future. You’re my past, present, and future. You’re everything I have and more. You’re my best friend, my boyfriend, and my whole entire world. I’m not sure what I would do without you, so assure me one thing. If you do something stupid, do it with me. I love you more than anything in this whole entire world, and I can’t imagine a world without you. A world without you is a world I don’t want to live in, so please don’t ever leave me. I’m with you till the end of the line, pal.  _

_ I love you to the moon and back,  _

_ -Stevie♡” _

I probably looked pathetic. I was a complete mess after reading the note. Steve leaned over, pulled me into a hug, and started kissing my jawline. 

“God you punk.” I choked out. 

“Jerk.” He laughed. He sat back and I shifted up to look at the watch again. 

“Stevie, you really shouldn’t have. This is really expensive.” I said. 

“Don’t even talk to me about expensive. You bought me a  _ car.”  _ He responded. I mean, he wasn’t wrong. I sighed in response. I then turned the watch to my mom who made a surprised noise. I don’t think she was expecting how nice it was either. 

“Alright, your turn.” I said, shoving the box towards him. He slowly began to open it. 

**——————————————————**

I began to slowly open the box. I wasn’t completely sure what was inside of it. I haven’t really asked for anything. As I fully unwrapped it, it revealed a ring box. The box looked familiar, but I couldn’t remember seeing it in a store anywhere. I looked up at Bucky in confusion, and he just rolled his eyes. 

“Just open it, punk.” 

I began to open it, and then I noticed it. It was my dad’s wedding ring, attached to a necklace. It caught me completely off guard, and I immediately felt the tears streaming down my cheeks. 

“H-How did you get this?” I asked surprised. I was wiping my tears with my hands. This was completely unbelievable. I looked through my whole house for this ring, and I couldn’t find it anywhere. That’s when it hit me. Bucky told me that my mom and him spoke to each other, but he never told me that she actually gave him a ring. He never told me she gave him  _ the  _ ring. 

“Your mom gave it to me when she talked to me. I don’t think I have to explain her reasoning.” He responded, while scratching his neck. He definitely didn’t have to. I pulled the necklace out of the box, and wrapped it around my neck. I clasped it together, and let it hang from my neck. It surprisingly wasn’t heavy. 

“Thank you. Thank you so much.” I said, crying again. I felt overwhelmed with emotions. I couldn’t believe that Bucky was able to hide this from me. Not only that, but I knew what he meant by this, too. He explained what my mom meant when she spoke to him on her deathbed. He knew exactly what this meant, but he still chose to give me the ring. We are insanely young, and maybe a little stupid, but we’ve always loved each other. We’ve loved each other for years. We’ve loved each other even when we thought we hated each other. I couldn’t imagine a life without him, and now knew that we were on the same page. I heard him shift in his chair to lean over to my side. 

“I love you to the moon and back.” He whispered in my ear, and followed it up with a kiss on my cheek. I was so caught up in my own tears, that I didn’t realize that Winnifred and Bucky were also crying. 

The whole rest of the day was a complete mess. Somehow I convinced them to watch  _ The Grinch _ with me. They both enjoyed it, to my surprise. It wasn’t a Christmas like it was with my mom, but it was still really special to me. Even though it was different, it still felt like family, and I promise to keep it this way.


	33. S.H.I.E.L.D.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Natasha shakes Steve awake. It was the third time he cried in his sleep this week. He tries his hardest to compose himself, but things are never the same as they once were.

** _Chapter 33_ **

** _Present day: 07/22/11_ **

“Steve, get up.” Natasha was shaking me awake. I guess I was just crying in my sleep again. It’s been happening pretty frequently. Last night, Natasha decided to sleep over. She was missing Clint and wanted someone to keep her company, something that frequently happens. 

“I’m up. I’m up.” I say to her. It reminded me a lot of Winnie, her shaking me awake when I used to live in her house. Of course, now I’m a 27 year old man and shouldn’t have to be shaken awake, but here we are. I hop off the bed and make my way towards the mirror. My eyes are red and my skin is blotchy, an identification that I was indeed crying. 

“You should come out tonight. I think we could both use a distraction.” Natasha put her arm around me. I still haven’t grown, but Nat and are around the same height. Everyone else puts their hands on my head and uses me as an armrest, but she always holds my waist. 

“I’ll think about it. I really will this time.” I respond. I never really go out too often. The only one who successfully gets me out of the house often is Bucky, and he isn’t here. In fact, he hasn’t been here in a year and a half, and neither has Clint. 

“We really want you there. Sam will pick you up at 6:00. There’s no getting out of this one buddy.” She says while slapping my back. She made her way towards the door and guided herself out. I was alone once again. 

There’s only so much you can do while being alone. I work Mondays through Fridays, and I allow myself to not work on weekends. I’ve become a pretty successful artist, to my own surprise. Because of this, I’ve been pretty lucky my adult life. It started off rough, but now Bucky and I have our own house. We’ve been living in it for about ten years, or really, I've been living in it for ten years. Buck is always away for work. I think the longest he’s been home is only a year. It’s a pretty odd situation to say the least. He works for a special government agency named “S.H.I.E.L.D” ran by Natasha’s adoptive father, Nick Fury. Normally people don’t take amputees, but Bucky was a special case. Howard made him an implantable prosthetic that connected to his shoulder and functioned like a normal arm, besides the fact that it was metal. It was strange at first, but Bucky got used to it and eventually so did everyone else. Bucky has always been interested in the military, but when Nick told him he was scouting for S.H.I.E.L.D he was instantly intrigued. He works there as an undercover sniper, along with Clint and Natasha’s sister Maria Hill. They went in on a buddy system agreement. Because of this, it’s left Natasha and I pretty lonely. Most of my days I spend at work, or with her. I don’t think there’s ever been a week that I’m not with her. I used to go by Winnifred’s to keep me company, but she passed away a couple years ago due to lung cancer. Bucky wasn’t even there to go to her funeral. I try to write Bucky as frequently as I can, but he barely ever responds. It’s sad, but I understand his job. He’s always on the move. I feel my phone vibrating in my pocket, completely distracting me from my thoughts. I opened my phone to see Sam calling me. I must have lost track of time. 

“I’m outside. Get your ass in the car, man.” Sam says to me. I let out a small chuckle. 

“Alright. Just let me grab my wallet. I’ll be out in a second.” I go in my room to grab my wallet. I bend down to my nightstand drawer to take it, and then I notice something off. My necklace isn’t dangling from off my my neck. 

“Fuck, fuck, fuck.” I feel myself starting to panic. I’ve worn this necklace since I was 17. I don’t think I could go anywhere without it. I start frantically looking around my room, then hear Sam honking. I take a deep breath and walk out of my room and walk outside of my house. 

“Took you long enough.” Sam said before looking at my face. I guess I look a little shaken up. 

“I can’t find the necklace, Sam.” I breathe out. 

“Shit. You need help?” He asks. I nod my head no. I don’t need to waste anymore time. 

“I’ll be fine. Let’s just go.” I say, leaning my head against the window. 

**——————————————————**

“Are we there yet?” Clint whines next to me. He’s been doing this for the past four hours. 

“Clint, it’s a private jet, not a limousine.” Maria groans. I think he’s driving the both of us insane. 

“ _ Are we there yet?”  _ Clint whines again. Maria and I both look at each other in agreement, and slap his legs. 

“Ow! That hurts, you know!” He yells out. I’m surprised the pilot hasn’t crashed the plane because of us yet. 

“Sometimes I wonder why my sister married you.” Maria says, placing her head in her hands. If I spend one more minute on this plane I’m going to lose my mind. 

“Speaking of marriage,” Clint starts to say, “How are you doing over there, Buck?” 

“Great, if you’d shut the fuck up.” I respond. This earns me a laugh from Maria, and an angry and hurt look from Clint. 

“Yeah, yeah. Very funny. But seriously, you look like you could vomit.” Clint says. He isn’t wrong, I feel like I could puke at any moment. I haven’t seen Steve for a year and a half. I’ve barely spoken to him. How will I know he’ll say yes? 

“Plane sickness. I hate planes.” I choke out. 

“Quit acting like such a hard ass. It’s okay to be scared sometimes.” He put a reassuring hand on my shoulder. 

“We’ll be there for you either way, soldier.” Maria says. I can see the S.H.I.E.L.D tower in the distance. I’ve never been more scared to go home. 

“Okay, gross? Get off of each other.” Maria says, mimicking the sound of someone vomiting. I join her in the vomiting noise events. 

“Oh shut up! I’m sure Bucky boy will be doing  _ a lot  _ more tonight.” Natasha says in a singsong voice. Maria starts her vomiting noises again. Normally I’d be pissed off at her, but I haven’t seen her for so long. She’s changed drastically over the past ten years. She runs a little dancing school with Pepper, and works with little kids all day, which is strange considering she used to hate kids. 

“Very funny, Nat. Speaking of which, did you get the necklace?” I ask. She immediately digs in her pocket and tosses it to me. I take the ring off the chain of the necklace. She then tosses me a ring box and tells me to put it in. I never imagined my engagement to have so many helpers. 

“You better be grateful. Apparently he’s been freaking out in Sam’s car.” Natasha responds and motions us to follow her. While I’m gone, I always keep my own car in the S.H.I.E.L.D garage, with Natasha occasionally running it so the battery doesn’t die. I thought it would be dumb to take two different cars home after tonight, so I asked Sam to drive Steve. Plus it’s a Tony Stark party, so I’m always nervous about the outcome of those. I don’t drink, so I could always be a designated driver. 

“Well, I think he'll be a little less freaked out once he realizes why it’s gone.” I chuckle. We each start making our way to our cars. Natasha and Clint are of course together, and I’m taking Maria with me. I wouldn’t want to be in their car either. God knows what’s gonna happen in there. Anxiety immediately courses through me. I just hope he says yes to me, that’s all I’ve ever wanted. 


	34. I Promise.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Finally the last chapter! I hope you enjoy!

** _Chapter 34_ **

“What the hell is taking Natasha so long?” I ask Pepper who’s sitting with me at Tony’s bar. As soon as I ask the question, we hear the door swing open. 

“Well speak of the devil!” Pepper exclaims. “Where have you been?” She asks. 

“Had to make a pit stop. Care to help me take the stuff out of the car, Steve?” Natasha asks. It seems so shady, but I couldn’t help but say yes. Maybe she actually needed help. She grabs my hand and guides me to the front yard. 

“Jesus, Nat. You’re dragging me like a five year o-“ I stop myself. The car. His car. Bucky’s car. I feel my legs become weak, and I immediately drop to knees. The tears start to fall down my face and I feel Natasha bend down next to me. I then hear three car doors open and then immediately slam shut, and hear grass crinkle under feet. 

“Steve!” Bucky calls out, throwing himself at me, resulting in me falling into the grass. At this point, the whole group is outside. 

“What are you doing here?” I say between sniffles. 

“Good to see you too!” He laughs, pulling me into a kiss. A kiss that eventually turns into twenty. 

“I missed you so much. Too much.” I say into his chest. 

“That’s good, because I brought you something on my little trip.” Bucky responds. 

“Can I have it?” I ask. He never really gets anything for me on my trip, so I’m intrigued. 

“Stand up and close your eyes, Steve.” He told me. I immediately obeyed and stood up and closed my eyes. My heart is pounding. I hate surprises and being the center of attention, but for some reason I don’t really mind it right now. I haven’t seen him in so long that I’d do anything for him at this moment. 

“Can I open them now?” I ask. 

“Yep!”

With that I opened my eyes, and I wasn’t really prepared for what I was going to see. Bucky was kneeling on the ground in front of me, ring in his hand. 

“Buck-“ I began to say.

“My whole life I’ve been with you and I can’t imagine a world without you,” Bucky began. “Steven Grant Rogers, would you do the honor of marrying me?” I felt the tears start to trickle down my face again. 

“Y-yes. Yes!” I say through my sobs. Bucky pulls the ring onto my finger, the ring that belonged to my father when he was younger. The ring I’ve always wanted, and the ring that now will always be mine. 

“I’ll stay with you forever Steve.” He whispers into my ear. 

“You promise?” 

“I promise.” 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you so so much for reading! I’m so sorry if the last chapters feel rushed, I never really was sure how to end this fic and I also wasn’t sure how to keep it going! Thank you so much for reading! ❤️❤️❤️

**Author's Note:**

> Hi again! I really hope you enjoyed the chapter! I hope that you’ll keep reading! I’ll totally accept any constructive criticism to change my fic in any way! I really hope it was enjoyable to read and I hope you stay around for the next chapter.  
Thanks for the support and for the read! 
> 
> You can totally send me some criticism or love on any of my social media accounts ;)
> 
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